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Hi there! I'm Fiona McColl, Accredited Social Worker, Clinical Therapist and author of this blog. I've spent my 20 year career working with families who have the most complex of complex problems. I have a specialist interest and extensive experience working with individuals and families who are experiencing estrangement.
I passionately believe healing is possible for anyone who is estranged. I know this because I've done it myself. If I can heal, so can you.
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Have You Been Bullied By A Family Member?
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E-stranged 
I read this blog all the time, and it is very comforting know that there is someone out there who is taking this painful topic of ‘broken families’ so seriously, and who is also sharing this opportunity for meaningful reflection – with the rest of us.
As for my particular ‘estrangement’ situation, I grew up in a family that outwardly advocated peace, love, kindness, cooperation, and togetherness (and I do believe that these things did and do matter to my parents – as values, and …as theories). Unfortunately, though, my dad has struggled with various mental health issues for many years, and he also used to work – off and on – in a fairly exhausting profession. In turn, my mom’s own energies were fully consumed by balancing her marriage, her supposedly ‘secondary’ career, and pretty much the entire ‘job’ of raising 3 kids. She met all of these challenges from an inherited, but very well-ingrained stance – of codependence; and indeed control. Practically speaking, the underlying themes that were really most at work in the way that my siblings and I were parented – turned out to very be unavailability, extreme distance, manditory silence, and …compliance.
While it is quite true that my sisters and I all grew up in the same house – which could certainly be said to be found ‘wanting’ for the very love, safety, and warmth that we were taught to treasure – we have also each been impacted by those earlier years differently. From my perspective, my sisters did a much better job than I did at learning the concept: ‘if we don’t talk about it, then it’s not true, or – its simply not a problem;” and they each complied much better than I did with the unspoken expectation to: “Keep your heads down – and just wait until the storm has passed – and in the meantime – keep your mouth shut.”
I hated it though – all of the “caution,” and the fear, and the devestating separateness; the contradictory distances between all of us; and the desperately lonely “quiet.” And then, after all of that – I hated the manditory “harmony” and cheer.
Unlike my sisters, I tried instead to make myself very very “loud” actually; I actively protested the neglect, I threw myself into naming every single gap in the family ‘logic;’ and I carefully articulated the vast unfairness of the way that it seemed we all so unnecessarily lived. I badly wanted a great deal more – and I demanded as much as possible to talk about “the truth” – whenever, wherever, and with whomever I could. I longed for real answers, explanations, problem-solving skills, allies… connections.
But as I was longing, I was also yelling. And apparently I was “acting out” – and having “tantrums.” And blaming others. Begging; and even bullying. I was certainly making my own needs (and really – even the needs of my other family members) overwhelmingly conspicuous. But, just as I was so ‘helpfully’ raising everyone’s conscioiusness – and was doing so, really, for the benifit of us all – I was also rapidly being singled out and identified as the problem itself; and my input was seen more and more as distasteful; and terribly intrusive.
The result was by no means the peace – and the “togetherness” – that we had all been told made us a loving “family.” There was just even more distance, and discord, hiding in corners, and clamming up. While these ‘rules’ seemed more than acceptable to the others, the consequence for me of “battling” for the acceptance and belonging of “family” – was that I encounterd even more protective walls within my home – most of which were meant even more to me in particular – “out.”
‘Long story short’ – and decades later – my sisters have finally decided, as adults, that their respective husbands and children are the only ‘family’ in their lives that are worth attending to at all; and that even Grandma and Grandpa must ‘cooperate’ with certain ‘rules and regulations’ in order to visit with, and give love to, their own “family.”
Namely, my sisters have each explicitly bargained ‘access-to-grandchildren’ in order to functonally “disappear me.” In other words, if my parents were to insist on including me in ‘family gatherings’ or special events, holidays, etc. – they would absolutely be risking their opportunity to know their own grandchildren. My sisters’ cruel and absolute exclusion of me from their lives is both heartbreaking and disgusting to me, and is “relational bullying” at its best.
I have simply been banned from seeing my neices and nephews, and despite having been “on my best behaviour” (ie not “loud”) – for years and years now, I am still not even privy to the rationale for that decision, nor for the importance of holding my parents captive in this overtly “uncooperative” way.
My parents do love me, and after years of purposely and effectively working on my relationships with them, I am able to feel and experience the love that they are able to give. For me, the two of them are my “family.” Growing up I felt forgotten and invalidated by each of them in different ways, and there were certainly ‘issues’ with their parenting. But I do believe that they loved me. And love me still.
And I do believe that my sisters don’t.
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Chris, I dont know you or your situation in any depth, but from what you have written let me offer a slightly different perspective: that of your sisters. I say that becasue in my family, I am the “sister” you describe. I kept my head down and towed the line as much as I could, in fact until one day i could not take any more. As in your family, my family was cold and emotioanlly distant to the point of neglect, whilst all the time extolling the importance of togetherness and family and forgiveness and tolerance. Like you, my brother was the “loud one.” Maybe he was crying out for help, maybe he has a mental illness, maybe he is jsut a jerk who like to wreak havoc. I dont know what his motivations were frankly because he made my life such a living hell that I didnt care to find out. There was a difference to what you describe for yourself though, and that is that he was not the “outcast” for beign the loud one. I was the outcast for objecting to his behavior! So that is a big difference between my situation and yours. But, like you, I eventually cut him out of my life after years of havoc at his hands (abuse I call it, actually). If my parents want to see me and the grandkids, it has to be without him. I dont even want to hear about him. I know you said this is unfair, but from my perspective, I have suffered enough. It is unfair to me to be expected to continue to put with him. The vast majority of the time, my parnets do nto accept my terms. They have lost me and the grandkids for years at a time as a result of my refusal to let him back in my life. They claim he has changed, so I should give him another chance (ha! anothe chance to hurt me???) and that even if he has not, I should be tolerant because we are family blah blah blah the crap the kept me traopped in abuse for years. I don’t love my brother, and dont want him in my life. How could I love him, he made our home a hell. His “being loud” or acting out, you know, it has consequences for me that were awful. The constant fighting, the constant raging about. I am sure he was suffering, but his actions made me suffer even more than I was suffering already. And I ahted him for it. I wanted and needed an ally growing up, not another person in the hosue to wreak havoc. Now, I feel that as an adult, I can decide who is in my life and who isnt, and so can my parents. They know what I have been through, even though they deny it. it is too much to ask. Maybe your sisters feel the same. I am not meaning to attack you here Chris. everyone on this site has been through a private hell of their own and everyone’s expereince and pain is valid. Everyone has a reaosn for where they are today. I jsut thought I might point out “the other side”, maybe it will help , that is my intention.Being estranged hurts everyone. But people dont jsut cut you out for no reason, if your sisters dont want you around, there is probably a good reason from thier perspective. People dont usually estrange themselves lightly , because I am sure it hurts them too.
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I’m not sure Chris’ situation is the same as yours, just going by what he described… I
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Hi E –
Thanks for taking some time to share a bit of your story. Being the target of ongoing bullying, which has been negated and that is not followed up with a protective or compassionate response – is a terrible legacy to carry forward. If we are unable to come to terms with the bullying we experience we carry our fear, distrust and inability to heal along with us. Some of us will find ourselves re-bullied over and over, while we work to come to terms with how to better protect ourselves. It can be a long ol’ row to hoe and heal!
I am not sure that you “are the sister Chris described”. I come back to saying this from time to time: We need to be so careful that we don’t get so hung up on our stories, understandings, perspectives and judgements that we don’t completely obliterate another person’s right to their understandings, perspectives and experiences.
Your “other side” may in fact have absolutely nothing to do with Chris or his story, or his sisters. Just a gentle reminder, to be very, very careful to allow and make space for everyone’s experience.
Cheers,
Fiona
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Hi Chris,
Thank you so much for being a regular reader and for sharing a little bit of your story, I really appreciate it. The theme of family ” scapegoat” – the one person who is targeted in a family, to wear the responsibility for the entire family’s problems, is a common estrangement tale. The legacy of scapegoating is such a painful one. I am really pleased to hear that you have been able to move forward in your relationship with your parents. It can be devastating to realize that some people in our family do not love us and may never love us no matter how hard we try to make amends or move forward – yet, that awareness is often the first step of being able to let those people go, and get on with your own story and your own life … the one where you do not have to follow the script for being everyone’s bad guy, or problem person.
Best wishes to you for your continued healing,
Fiona
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Wow, Chris, you must be my male alter ego! Our stories are so similar it’s eerie. You know, this must be more common than we think…. We are not so alone after all. The only difference in our stories is your dad had mental health issues and my dad, while he & mom never divorced, was much like an absent father. He traveled for business & also had some anger management problems, a very quick & ferocious temper. When he was loving (same as mom) he was very good at it, but as most American children my age, they both used “conditional parenting” as a means of parental control. In fact, back then this type of parenting was actually encouraged, and professionals are only now discovering just how damaging it truly is. My dad also avoided any sort of conflict between my mom, siblings & I.
I feel so bad for what you went through, I know your pain well & used to wear mine like a badge of honor from an unholy battle lol. My folks too appeared to others as these great fun people, who were kind & loving. It’s a great image, ain’t it? So when you’d complain about the unfairness of it all they thought you were crazy. Even my own friends, the few that I had. They’d say “oh! Your parents are soooo cool! Wow you’re lucky!” I never got to commiserate or receive any sympathy, so I began to wonder if I was indeed- crazy.
Also like you, I put up a good fight & tried explaining verrrrry carefully why I felt the way I did & gave examples. Like you, it only made me more of a Black Sheep. Why couldn’t I just fake it like everyone else?! I’m mostly estranged from them now, but that didn’t prevent me as an adult to try & rationalize with them again, before I committed fully to the estrangement, with the careful guidance of my therapist. Got. Me. Nowhere. I even wanted the real problem to be all me, because that’s an easier fix.
I’ve quit trying to understand them & their motivations, I don’t think the same way so I probably never will. I can’t pretend all is well when it’s not. I also can’t continue with constantly being the one singled out & having any triumphs or successes made into inconsequential trivialities, especially since its the first time in my life I had any to speak of.
Again, I get it. I sooo get it. You’re not alone.
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Oh, and can I just say, Fi, that of all the different types of bullies out there, the passive-aggressive ones are The Worst to deal with! For one, you’re not exactly positive you’re being mistreated, so you’re not sure how to approach it with out looking like you’re making a big deal out of nothing. All you’ve got to go on is this niggling feeling that something they say rubbed you the wrong way. My sister is The Queen of passive aggressiveness. When I stuck up to her, mom always took her “side” even as adults, and acted as if I was the one with The Problem. And, passive aggressive bullies KNOW THAT. Urgh. If you can post something on how to deal with this specific type of bully, that would be like, super awesome. Thanks!
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Hi JustMe,
Thanks for your regular reading and comments, whilst I might not get to reply to every post, I do deeply appreciate the sharing!
I will see if I can’t do a bit of writing about ” bully types” … I try to avoid big analysis of why bullies bully, because I think its so easy to get trapped into thinking about the bully – instead of thinking about protecting ourselves. All that said, knowledge is power, and it can be useful to understand what you are really up against.
I accept the mission!
Take care,
Fiona
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Thank You everybody for responding to my post. (Chris here). It was really quite a good exercise for me to try to summarize the story of my own family’s broken-ness; and to give myself a written ‘update’ as to which parts of the various estrangements are still the hardest for me to let go.
I was inspired to write about my own family as a specific response to the bully/bystander topic; and I guess I did so because I haven’t always been able to distinguish between the “neglect” of responsible but rather unqualified parenting (which nevertheless causes harm to kids as they are growing up) and the trapped disempowerment of the “bystander-of-the-bullying” role, which really is the place that my parents (still) find themselves in now. I have somehow learned, though, that while it is (and always will be) true that my mom and dad were terribly unqualified to meet the basic emotional needs of their 3 young kids, it is also true that they did not drastically fail to nurture our long-term social and emotional growth – on purpose. Or with an ‘intention’ to cause us harm. I haven’t always been able to ‘give them the benefit of the doubt’ about this. I have spent so much time being angry at them about “causing” the new set of shortcomings – which I, in turn, have ended up with.
I do feel more confident about being able to experience and receive their love in the present – when I can “accept” that they really do mean well; and they really always have, at least “meant well.”
What I was looking to work out here, I guess, was the difference between this “heart in the right place” lack of skill, which has clearly hurt me, as well as my sisters; and the “intentional cruelty” of deliberately excluding a fellow sibling/survivor – who has – and not insignificantly – done everything they possibly can to demonstrate that they are not, or at least are ‘no longer’ (if they really ever were) a real and present danger. While my “truth-telling” and “whistle-blowing” – about the flaws in our family system – might have been ‘experienced’ in the past as a threat to the dysfunctional status quo that others preferred, and my “lack of skill” in greiving with ‘grace’ (as I myself was also still growing up) has been frequently-but-inaccurately deemed the starting point of ‘that which we were all so afraid of’ in our childhood home, it does not at all follow that my sisters’ own children are remotely unsafe now – simply because I exist.
And while there is no doubt that our original ‘family realities’ and the development of our subsequent estrangements are difficult for my sisters as well, I do maintain – and am currently working to ‘radically accept’ – that it is not ‘understandable caution,’ or ‘un-intentional oversight,’ or even a ‘natural variation in peoples’ overal dispositions’ that drives both of my sisters to actively exclude me from their lives. The have also each blackmailed my parents into participating in towing their own newly defined family/party ‘lines.’ I have come to see that this may very well be deliberate ‘payback,’ and in any case it amounts to planned cruelty. It is an intentional set of very specific choices, that has been consciously made by each of them – and repeated over and over again; with the desired effect being suffering on my end – or at the very least an absolute “win” on theirs. Worst – is that they have used my parents to help to “bully” me: ie they also have my parents in a situation that works best only for them. – My parents hands are ‘tied;’ as I am actibvely punished before their eyes. To me, creating this terrible ‘no-win’ bondage of for the bystanders – is part of the bullying too.
I know have also been a person who ‘hurt’ because they were ‘hurting.’ I have also been the bystander – of course I have; we all had to live through the same storms coming and going within our home, and we could all see the havoc being wreaked in the others around us at the same time. There is really no solidarity though, even in being fellow bystanders. And in that way, just as everyone in my family has “harmed” someone else, so too we have each been left far too much “alone.”
Ah – both are true at the same time. The next thing for me to learn: In E’s family, it seems that both E and her brother were harmed by her parents’ unwillingness or inability to control the situation as a whole. Both are true: E’s family experince is very much like mine, and its also not. Both are true – E is like “the sisters” in my story, and does absolutely have the right to exclude unsafe people from her life and the lives of her children, and it is also true that being “loud” (when the expectation is to be quiet) is sometimes “abusive” and sometimes not. …E, what I can absolutely relate to about what you said is that even in the present, your parents cannot control or manage your brother, or hold him remotely accountable, and that this makes you frustrated and sad even now. I get that. It helps me to realize that to the extent that I feel somewhat betrayed when my parents go ahead and enjoy the ‘priveledge’ of visiting their kids and grandkids (who I will apparently not ever be allowed to know), my sisters may feel similarly ‘put out’ when my parents refuse to completely cut me off in the same way that they each have. And maybe both are true: my family would not be in the state that it is in if my parents had been able to ‘step up’ to their job as parents a long time ago. But just as I do not necessarily deserve to be excluded from the very family into which I was born; and E, you did not deserve the havoc that your brother’s chaos wreaked, my parents’ hands should not be so bound, their happily ever after should not be so tragically jeapordized, and not a one of us should have to go any of this alone.
Thanks for listening everybody.
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Chris,
I like what you wrote. Thanks for understanding that I was not trying to attack you. I know everyone here is hurting and everyone has validity to their own story, I hope that you got that from my post. I know my story is not exactly the same as yours, but I did see a common thread. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I agree with you that no one “deserves” estrangement (unless they are dangerous), but when it happens I think it is usually because someone in the dynamic feels like there is not another option that will reasonably work, or has been to hurt to the point of not wanting to look at other options, or something similar. Maybe that is where your sisters are, that is the essence of I was trying to say, not defending them or that they are right and you wrong. It is a tragedy for everyone, I agree. I hate it, I bet a part of your sisters hate it too, no one wants a family like this. It sounds like you have done a lot of personal growth and hopefully in the long run that will come through and help change the dynamic in your family. But even if it doesn’t, good for you to have grown and cahnged and have done some healing of yourself. good luck to you, good luck to all of us.
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Hi, I am wondering about a younger member of my family who seems to use other peoples’ emotons against them. Can someone be that calculating? She has had at least two men attracted to her (separately) and has played them cleverly to get them doing what she wanted If a man seems interested, she can say “I love you, but I am not in love with you”, and allow him to bring presents and run around after her, doing her bidding. When he breaks some small rule, she chastises him and banishes him. It sounds so cold when I write it down, but thats what happened.
Another man was allowed to get to a sexual level with her, but later, she said she did not want to be his girlfriend and he suicided.
It worries me. Using emotions to manipulate people to do what you want, while having no real emotions yourself….what do you call that?
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Just because you were born into the same household doesn’t mean you have to be ‘friends’. You don’t have to have a relationship with family members you wouldn’t choose as friends. Love them because we should love everyon,e but it doesn’t have to go any further. As adults, we know who we admire, respect, dislike…Why would you waste anytime hanging around people you have nothing but birth in common with.
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I answered yes to this poll. I would refer to it as “relational bullying,” especially by my two older sisters and it significant. My parent’s contribution to the situation was significant as well. I can relate to some of what Chris said as well as JustMe. My acting out was not loud, but confined to a suicide attempt, which inconvenienced my parent’s as well as enraged them. My mother’s reaction was to try to force some sort of reason out of me, then to pin me against the wall and slap me across the face in a fit of anger and rage. I don’t recall my father’s reaction. My response was to seek comfort, solace, refuge and acceptance outside of my family, but that made me extremely vulnerable. I was really a walking target given my vulnerability. With no one to turn too, I see that so clearly. It’s a set-up for even greater victimization. I always felt so alone and very unloved. Feeling isolated, alone, rejected and unloved is something that I’ve carried with me. I’ve had to work so hard to not feel that way given some of my experiences.
Those stupid cliches that you have to give love in order to receive is just a damned lie. That is unhealthy and very unbalanced. It’s important for people to realize that no amount of love will ever be returned, appreciated or enough for some people as they are incapable of it. The truth…is that you have every right to be discerning and to protect yourself. You have every right to decide who you want in your life–who merits your trust. I often feel highly agitated around people who demonstrate magical thinking, just like a child. I’ve encountered far too many of them and I do not regard that behavior highly in adults. They do not exhibit rational thought processes and my response is to avoid them like the plague, if I can. I don’t care what their intention is as I’ve had it with their stupid, non-helpful pathetic cliches. Sometimes they are just outright destructive. I do everything in my power to deter, avoid and limit my exposure to people like that in every conceivable way. I do not even care if they find me unfriendly or other “negative” labels. I could care less if they’ve somehow managed through charm to manipulate the messed up herd into a cult-like trance of mindless followers. I’ve had this type of influence more times than I care to remember and that is why it can make me feel instant anger. One cannot establish a meaningful, reciprocal or healthy relationship with fools and idiots. They all walk and talk backwards and blurt and spew gibberish. One might as well talk to a damned wall or the cat or carry on a conversation with oneself, which is infinitely better. I feel very intolerant of people like that because my exposure to them has created a lot of unhappiness. There’s nothing wrong with me, but there is a lot wrong with them.
I think I posed the question previously, although I don’t recall if it was here or not, but I wonder if the bullying was emotional. In other words I wonder how people would respond to the teasing out of whether the bullying that exists in their family was physical or emotional or both. I think the choices need to be separate. I know both exist in families–emotional and physical as it was in mine, but I’m talking about degrees too. I also think that some people would be very reluctant to answer a question about bullying because they may define it as being limited to the physical rather than the emotional. I’ve met a lot of people who do not discern the difference or they reject it altogether. I don’t know why, but they seem to dismiss the idea that bullying can be relational and emotional. They reject the significance of emotionally abusive behaviors and the consequence to relationships. on what even constitutes emotional bullying. My husband did this when I tried to point out to him that behaviors were emotionally abusive. I think many people are not clear about it, let alone very willing to step up to the plate to acknowledge their role in the dynamics either.
Now I’m feeling really angry and agitated thinking about all of this and all of the non-help and judgmental behaviors that I’ve had to contend with. I’m going for a walk.
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Oh Karen, I sympathize greatly. I’m angry too. Very. I don’t want to be. But I am. I just don’t see how they can “not see”. They must. It has to be denial. Has to be. I don’t understand, especially now that I’m a parent myself, how parents can not only allow, but actually, literally, be an active participant in “sibling rivalries”. My mother acted like she was a sister. She’d even go so far as to flirt with my boyfriends and once even “made out” with one. I was 15. Yes! THAT’S FIFTEEN. When I confronted her about it, she said she just wanted to prove to ME, that she could “get” whoever she wanted, and that I wasn’t as “hot” as I thought I was. Huh? At that age I had no ego to speak of, much less enough of an ego to think I was in any way, shape or form, “hot”.
I get soooo angry when I think about all the times I clearly, fairly, rationally, attempted to lay out everything for them in a concise, clinical manner. As a child and an adult. I never got “through” because they weren’t interested in “fair” or “right”. My sister told me (off the side, not on “record”, as is usually the case) that she HATED me from Day 1. I “took” Mom & Dad “away” from her, just by being born. She decided right then, at the sweet age of only FOUR years old, that I was her Mortal Enemy. She said she had no problem getting mom & dad on her “side”, that it was easy to paint a negative picture of me for them, easy to get them to believe whatever she wanted. Include an evil diabolical laugh at the end, cause she did. But, mom & dad couldn’t have been led astray so easily could they? By a little tiny kid? Something in them had to want to believe her, why I do not know. I tried sooooo hard to get my sister to love me. I thought if I could get her love, maybe I could get mom & dad’s too. Sis has some serious “issues” that the family kinda sorta jokes about, but continues to live in fear of getting on her bedside, and they all treat her like a queen, walk on eggshells around her, constantly worrying what she’ll think or do. Never once did they give any thought to me, or my feelings. Sis has been on Prozac for over 20 years now. It makes her a little more tolerable, but not much. One time, she went off her meds, I didn’t know, and during an illogical argument, I asked if she went off her meds or what, and my mom goes “how did you know?”. Doh! Not that hard to tell!
In my family, I’m surrounded by mental illness, some diagnosed, some not but obvious. Mom & bro are classes narcissists. Sis… I’m not sure. She likes to believe she’s omnipotent. She likes control. She’s The Queen of Passive Agression. I have no idea how I survived them. I also attempted suicide at 16. My family made jokes about my “play for attention”. Even tho’ I clearly stated I didn’t hate myself, I was just trying to escape them because I didn’t think I could wait till I was 18. I ran away two weeks later. Best thing I ever did. It makes me angry still, that my folks & sis’s friends only see the masks they wear, never underneath. If these “good friends” of theirs knew how they talked about them behind their backs, I’m not sure they’d still think my family was oh so great. But, no. According to everyone who thinks they “know” them, my family is one to be jealous of. Ha! If they only knew their dirty little secrets!
Honestly? I think my family actually gets off on making me the Black Sheep. They seem to get a kick out of it anyway, like it’s some big joke, like I’m a joke. I don’t get that at all. If someone I truly cared about told me they felt I’d treated them unfairly, I wouldn’t immediately pish-posh them! I’d take them seriously, as I don’t ever try to purposefully hurt ANYone, and I’d want to make it right, I don’t like or enjoy hurting feelings! Even when a situation was blaring in their face, they’d find an out. Always. You just can’t deal with people like that. People who discount you, discount your feelings, while all the while making a big to-do about someone else’s feelings, the same someone who intentionally creates chaos in the first place. Funny thing is, sis knows. She knows all this. She gets off on it. To me, that’s just plain sick. Conscience? She has none to speak of. I used to worship her & the ground she walked on. Everyone acted she was The Bomb. When I was old enough to realize she “had it in for me” I was shocked, disbelief, why? Why me? What did I do? If she hated me, and it appeared my parents didn’t care much either, & I believed them to be good, fair, & right people, I thought they must be right. There must be something intrinsically wrong with me or they’d love me like they love her & my brother. I even tried to prove them right. Dumb. But true.
Sis is a True Bully in every sense of the word. I still get jealous when I see sisters enjoying each others company. I wanted that SO bad. Still do. But now I know it ain’t gonna happen. Like, ever.
Sheesh! I think I need to go for a walk now too, and I’d originally set out to try & make you feel better! Sometimes I wish I liked alcohol so I could drink myself into oblivion & not have to think about this stuff…
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Hello JustMe
Your story correlates the obscenity of toxic people and I regret that these injustices happened to you. Like Karen, you have been the innocent victim of head cases, a situation you never deserved.
Stories like yours make me angry and fuel my general despite of the mindless grazing herd, it seems that underneath the surface of the flowing river that represents society, the solid chunks of excemental denizens follow the current, occasionally bobbing to the surface to emanate their stench of emotional decomposition, before sinking again the dark depths where they hide until their next appearance pollutes the air of life that we all must breathe.
I am becoming more and more disenchanted with the state of affairs and in such times, unlike others who turn to alcohol, drugs and other escapism articles, I tend to try to comprehend why such things and people exist.
In such times , my reading the “wisdom of the ages” found this, “And God looked and saw that the imaginations of man was on evil continually and it grieved God that He had made man”
Well that tells the whole story.
Guard yourself, both you and Karen, and understand that the decent are targetted by the indecent.
I am happy you do not like alcohol, I have seen good people takewn down by it and you do not need to be be abused further.
You are a precious woman, and of immense worth. Though the gem is defaced with dirt, it never one iota loses it’s intrinsic worth…for under it all though the outer shine be diminished by dirt, the inner glow remains.
Merely brush off that dirt, and it shines forth as it ever did.
Hold to the reality of who and what you are, and while I feel hurt at the injustices you and Karen suffered, I also feel anger, but underneath all this I proclaim you are both precious individuals whose worth is written clearly on the sky of reality.
always Edward
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Hello JustMe,
“Oh Karen, I sympathize greatly. I’m angry too. Very. I don’t want to be. But I am.”
I appreciate your response and honesty as I seldom hear it. Most people just try to tell me how to feel, give me unsolicited advice and find some way to turn it into all about them, dismiss me altogether, or change the subject to talk all about themselves.
I agree, I do not understand how they can not see. I think it a deliberate choice. They know what you want from them and are chosing to ignore your wishes. I don’t believe that it is denial, not in the classic sense. I believe George Simon calls it “selective inattention” and it allows people to continue on behaving as they do for whatever reason. I’m certain you know that your mother’s behavior was extremely inappropriate and I regret how it must have made you feel. She isn’t your sister. My mother didn’t behave like that, although she acted out competition in a different way. She also had her own set of problems. Just the same my family’s issues impacted me and made me very vulnerable. I don’t believe competition between sisters (flirting with boyfriends, let alone making out with them) would be appropriate behavior either.
I’ve frequently expressed here in diferent comments about my experiencing both of my sisters as emotional bullies. (It’s not limited to my own family either.) I think many of their behaviors stem from jealousy as they would both accuse my mother of favoring me. My eldest sister told me that my father didn’t want another child, which would have been me. She claimed that he mistreated my mother during her pregnancy. Hearing this news was very troubling and hurtful, so I checked it out with my mother. Her response was to say that it was my sister who didn’t want me. I forget what else she said about it. She claimed that it was a lie. This is an example of the types of comments that my sister would make. They were troubling and hurtful to me. They would label me as “too sensitive” or that I couldn’t handle it, always framing me as deficient in some way. This sister would then get angry at me if she learned (usually my mother would try to confront her) that I had shared this information with my mother. I believe this behavior was very cruel and emotionally abusive. This was pretty routine behavior to unload or dump on me. My mother has made several comments that she believes my sisters would be happy if I wasn’t in her life. If she acted llike I didn’t exist. They we/are so competitive. Their troubling behaviors created a lot of distance and lack of closeness. The past few years I’ve really stayed away from my mother. I’ve had a lot of health and other issues that are overwhelming and are my main focus. I’m not in contact with either one of my sisters and do not desire or want them in my life. They crossed the line and went too far. My response has always been one of self-protection and self-care. I maintain limited contact with my mother, which is a much healthier choice for me.
Both of my sisters were always trying to blame me for their inappropriate and aggressive behaviors. They use all kinds of tactics, including that they “don’t remember”. If people don’t remember then they can blame you for holding on to the past, but they never take any personal responsibility for their behaviors. It’s hard to explain, but my oldest sister used to claim that she didn’t understand any of this and then she used her friends to bolster this position and say that they said that I (meaning me) had a problem. She said that she asked them if they used to beat one another up as children and they said yes, but they all see one another and forget the past. Those are tactics of dismissal. It makes it sound like it is all very normal and a part of growing up and it bolsters their argumentaive position of dismissing me as a “mentally ill” or “too sensitive”.
My middle (older) sister, would send me articles about “forgiveness”. The message here was that once again, the PROBLEM and issue lies with me, not with them. It can all be distilled into that I’m “unforgiving”, not that they are manipuative, controlling or emotionally abusive and TOXIC. They do not have to look at themselves. Then of course, another tactic is to say, “I’ve changed”. What they never, never do is take any personal responsibility ever. They simply never acknowledge the damage that their behviors cause in the myriad ways that it damages relationships–trust and intimacy. It creates distance, incredible distance. I really do not know the answer, other than distance, to how to deal with people who refuse to look at how hurtful, dehumanizing, destructive and emotionally abusive their behaviors are.
I was going to respond about something that you said about anger, which I feel is very important, but I will close for now and write another response. Thank you again for your commment.
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My FIL’s wife is a serial bully and completely supported by most of her immediate family. She has always verbally put me down in public settings and made unfair assumptions about my actions or our decisions as a couple or as parents. It was hurtful, but I let it roll off my back in attempts to keep the peace. My husband thought I was being overly sensitive. My FIL’s wife would claim that she was the only one trying in our relationship-it was me that was pushing away. I would try harder and she would bully more.
A month before my husband was scheduled to deploy on his second yearlong overseas tour I was extremely stressed and her put downs and lack of support for my family had me so upset that I vented on my blog about a situation that happened (which makes me reluctant to post anything online for fear that she’s stalking me). Understanding that it had embarrassed and hurt my FIL’s wife I tearfully apologized and it was agreed that we would move on … So I thought.
In a nutshell during the deployment I received many unkind emails and texts from my FIL’s wife and half sister-in-law, whom I was very close to. I was cyberbullied on Facebook and had untrue and ugly words said about me behind my back. Through a series of lies and bad communication my in-laws threw a birthday party for my toddler son without inviting me or getting mine or my husband’s consent. I had cut ties from these people a few months before the party. After the party my husband and I agreed to stop allowing them around my son.
When my husband came home he tried to take steps to discuss this with his father and father’s wife. Neither of them would discuss the situation and nobody could tell him what I did wrong. My DH’s step-brother and family tried to take steps to mend the situation by trying to talk it out with us in our back yard, but the explanation of the situation had become complicated and so unbelievable that it ended up with my DH’s step-brother putting me down for petty things that he didn’t agree with (i.e. sending a thank you card vs. calling). In the end nothing was resolved and we haven’t spoken to my DH’s step-brother or family since.
My DH’s half-sister came forward and apologized, but it was little too late. I was tired of being treated badly. She tries very hard to have a relationship with us, but we avoid her-unable to trust that our relationship will be genuine. She has battled with a childhood mental illness, but that isn’t an excuse to treat someone so badly.
During all of this I tried to take the high road and not talk about the situation with anyone else in the family but it feels now when I explain what was said or written to me it’s not believable.
My FIL’s wife has admitted (to other people-not us) that she was depressed and because of her depression she blog stalked and Facebook stalked me to find things wrong with me and pick me apart. She won’t discuss the situation until she feels right with herself. I interpret this as we won’t ever solve anything-and maybe I don’t want to solve anything because I can’t believe that she will stop this behavior until she gets professional help. She continued to leave gifts for my son on our back steps and send text messages to my son “from Grandma” and send my DH birthday cards until my husband told his father that they were unwelcome in our lives. Anyone who was a bystander during this entire situation is also unwelcome in our lives. It’s been over 2 years since these family members have seen our son. We will all be gathered at the same family reunion in a few months where they will see that I am expecting another child-that they will never have the joy of seeing. Feels like they put their hate for me above the love of my son, therefore my son and any future children don’t deserve to be included in their lives.
I am extremely hurt by the entire situation and stopped needing closure a long time ago. If you were to talk to my FIL’s wife I’m sure you would get an entirely different story than the one I just told. Nobody on my DH’s side of the family asked what happened (to them, my silence was guilt), my family doesn’t believe me (yet, they continue to support me-they think I’m being overly sensitive and depriving my son of his cousins and grandparents). I don’t think I would even like to tell my tale to anyone-I’ve moved on. They can read all the emails and Facebook posts I have printed out. In December my FIL’s wife and half-SIL moved on to bullying my DH’s brother and his wife. I’ve heard the lies about me that are being brought up in various arguments. Once they stop giving my FIL’s wife a reaction she’ll find someone else to bully. We do the best thing we could do to combat my bully. We live our lives and we’re happy.
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I’ve been bullied and verbally berated so badly by my stepmother that I’m now estranged from my father. I’m trying to cope with this and not have my dad in my life because I truly cannot stand the abuse any longer. It’s not like I really even care what my stepmom thinks or what she says, what’s so upsetting is that my dad has never defended me. He stands up for her and has punished me for being disrespectful for my stepmom and told me that I should be thanking her for helping me. He believes all the horrible, negative things she says about me. I don’t have much family. My mom is dead. I feel so alone.
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My sister is 18 and im 13. And she makes fun of me an always cusses me and is violent sometimes when I try to defend myself, she might hit me, when were fighting to tht point. She is such A BITCH! I HATE HER! She never leaves me alone, everday! I need privacy and she is a bully and bitch to me at least once every day, she hurts my feelings. I have anger and crying, she never leaves me alone and I feel like cutting and have suicidal thoughts. I HATE HER! She is a life ruiner. Help 😥
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I have also been bullied by three of my family members for years. My mum and two older sisters who are twins. They leave me out of everything, call me at the last minute to join them for poker nights, when I have a young son and no car and would not be able to make it within the five minutes until they get started. I tell my mother personal things and she tells my sisters behind my back then my sisters act passive aggressively about that particular topic the next time I see them. Things got so heated with one sister that she threatened to stab me with a cheese knife; we then became estranged for the next three years. That caused me to not be invited to any extended family functions. I was only invited again when I was the one to make up with her, after about a year or so the cycle started again. I recently brought up a few things with my mother over the phone only to realize her sister ( my aunt) was listening in on the conversation, so I went off at my aunt, now I am the big black sheep again. Another nice one was when my sisters had a professional portrait of their children done for our mother and excluded my son. All the grandchildren are in the picture except my son. Nice.
I have now decided life is too short for this and I have cut them off. Which is sad because I love my Dad, but he always feeds me the lines ” you are too sensitive” and ” you wear your heart on your sleeve”, which is a cop out and makes me doubt myself. I feel sad that my son won’t know his cousins, but it won’t be long before he starts getting the outcast treatment also. I have decided I am now going to put all of my energy into my new family and forget about my historical family for a while. We have sold our house and are going to experience a wonderful life traveling abroad for a few years and create wonderful memories with each other and one day when I am an old lady all of this will be distant memory. Just because they are blood doesn’t make them family.
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Sare – I don’t have time to write just now…but I will come back. I can relate, it sucks.
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Sare
I completely understand where you come from. My mother is the primary bully in my family, if I do not let her control every situation and peacefully keep my mouth shut- I become the black sheep. Its been this way all my life. I desperately love all of my family but what they do to me when we are on peaceful terms could be considered emotional abuse- constant put downs, bringing up the past from 20 years ago when I was a teen, not respecting me and my ideas, my parenting skills, my religious beliefs or my life. If I say nothing back I only wind up hurting myself emotionally and if I do speak up – I am excluded from everything and everyone.
A few months back, I relayed to my mother that she cannot be negative and treat my young son like she does- which is constant badgering, making him feel bad, disciplining him over every little nit picky think and pretty much never being nice or tolerant with him- the exact same things I experienced as a child.
I spoke up and have been completely ignored and excluded from everything for the last 6 months including Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and now the birth of a new baby in the family. I feel constantly backed into a corner- either I suck it up and tolerate the emotional abuse from them & risk my own emotional well-being or remove myself from the situation all together.
These days, I have chosen the later as I cannot and will not allow my son to grow up the way I did. It hurts a great deal to be excluded, I feel very torn and helpless at times because I genuinely love them all and accept them all for who they are but they refuse to accept or respect me as an individual.
It is very unfortunate but it seems for my own sanity and the future well- being of my son, I must take myself out of ” the main family unit” completely and concentrate on my own family. I really despise my son will not know his cousins or extended family but my mother seems to control everyone, no one dares to stand up for what they believe save for me and look I have been ostracized…..you are right “they may be blood but that alone does not make them family.”
Thanks for your post – it helps me realize I am not the only one in the world that experiences this.
Akirah
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