“Mr Bond, they have a saying in Chicago: ‘Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. The third time it’s enemy action’.”
― Ian Fleming
Have you ever found yourself recounting all the things someone has “done to you”? Do you have a list of people who have “done”similar things “to you”? Do you ever wonder what is wrong with you that you seem to “attract” all these unpleasant circumstances and terrible people?
It’s funny isn’t it .. how easy it is to forget that we actually have places of power and control. Sometimes we consciously (or unconsciously) find ourselves playing out a script, where scene after scene, relationship after relationship, we have no power and no control. We play the victim, and we tell ourselves we have no choice.
Perhaps we find ourselves staying when we should leave. Accepting things we really shouldn’t. Enabling people’s poor behaviour or disregard for us. Allowing things that pull us down and make us feel terrible. We set boundaries, but we don’t enforce them. We say no, but our behaviour says yes. We may overlook other people’s real efforts to do or be better, or resist taking our own responsibility – preferring instead to stay stuck.
Then we blame the other person. We feel resentful, angry, put upon, frustrated, powerless … and none of it feels good, or creates positive change.
We become part of the problem.
We might not want to hear this, or believe it … victim can become a very comfy role, even if it hurts us. Yet victimology is incompatible with growth and healing. If we want one, we must be prepared to give up the other.
If we want a different story, and happier endings, we have to stop walking into the same old dramas, with the same old sets, and the same old costumes and the same old lines. Once we see our pattern, we can change it – even the most self-defeating of patterns can be re-written.
If there is a pattern of victimization in your family … it might be time to ask yourself what your role is in maintaining, participating with, or allowing it.
Don’t be your own worst enemy.
E-stranged 
We are our own worst enemies…while it is good to enter times of serious introspective sessions examining ourselves, we can be overly critical and hard, and forget that we need some slack as we are mere humans. Everyone is prone to the “poor me” syndrome and feeling sorry for ourselves. It might feel good but it also anchors us to one place, and removes the capability to address the problem, which can be others, ourselves, or a combination of both.
The best motivating factor for me is anger…anger at the perpetrator for being the cause…anger at myself for failing to prevent the problem…anger at the system that in itself can be part and parcel of the situation.
It is good to remember that we do not deserve maltreatment and those who would impose it on us merit strong opposition and offensive mechanisms that strongly shout that we will have none of their nonsense.
It is also good to embrace the reality that compromise is out of the question when you are right and compromise will only invite more emotional abuse and demands in any conflict.
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Thanks for the reminder not to get sucked into what I call “The Loop” where I repeat the event in my head over and over again. I know it is useless to try to convince others who I feel. Heck, if they were willing to listen, they would’ve done so years ago! :p I still have a lot to enjoy right now. My cute apartment, my job, making new friends, preparing for a trip, spoiling my friend’s child with a toy that makes a lot of noise. 🙂 The present really is good to me and it is not determined how my family perceived events years ago, but how I perceive my current life now.
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‘Good points Michelle. My son is’t willing to listen he only wants to argue. My husband and I are setting some new boundaries and not willing to tolerate the old behavior. It feels like a relief and also kind of sad, let like
you my life is generally blessed and good. I’m going to do my best not to ‘walk into the same old dramas’
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