Unhelpful Help

Does it help?

It’s nice to feel validated. It’s nice when people tell us that of course we are right. It’s nice when people support our feelings and thoughts.

It’s nice when people listen to our stories {it’s especially nice of them to listen to our stories when we tell them over, and over and over}.

It’s nice when they accept us, warts and all. It’s nice when they are “on our side” and it’s nice when they are outraged on our behalf. It’s nice when they hug us when we cry.

What’s not so nice is when we use support to validate our right not to move our lives forward. When we seek out support and vent just enough to reduce the emotional intensity, so that we can stay where we are, doing what we are doing. It’s not so nice when our supporters are unable or unwilling to give us clear feedback of the sort that makes us take a look at ourselves and encourage us to make life affirming choices rather than wallow in the mud choices.

Support is not so great if it keeps us reviewing our past; who said/did what without encouraging us to move forward and seek out better. Support is not so great when it is a giant bitch fest about what everyone else said and did. Support is not too useful when it makes us feel even more agitated, angry, hurt, sad, frustrated and alone. Support really sucks when it encourages us to be a victim.

Here’s something sad.

Many of us like “skinny support”. We like unconditional acceptance {no matter how much we are hurting ourselves in the process}. I talk about this in my post, Is Unconditional Regard and Acceptance A Little Over-rated? We don’t want to be challenged. We don’t want our story to be set aside {even when we are sick to death of telling it}. We don’t want to hear feedback, we don’t want to be encouraged to seek out better things for ourselves and we don’t want anyone telling us we need to change.  We want a free pass to stay stuck.

That’s not support. That’s enabling.

As a professional “supporter” I can tell you that providing real support is incredibly hard work. It’s challenging. It means that sometimes people you really care about and want to help, will not like the things that you say.

Support is not all commiseration and validation.

Sometimes it’s pointing out things people are really unwilling to hear. Sometimes they get angry, they cry, they stomp around and stomp out.  Many of them will run straight back for another dose of “skinny support” and they will stay stuck. It’s easier to wallow than it is to fly.

Some of those people, however, are ready for something different. Some of them are ready to fly.

————————————————————————————-

Don’t forget to “Like” it and share!