“I didn’t despise myself for being who I was, and I never would. I wouldn’t allow anyone to make me feel bad about that. That was a line I could draw in the sand.”
― Z.A. Maxfield
Family estrangement is nothing if not a great teacher.
Maybe in the past your family was marked by deception, betrayal, intolerance, verbal or physical abuse. Maybe there were times where family members belittled, demeaned and diminished us or each other. Maybe they were not able to be appropriately protective. Maybe they survived on benign neglect, little or no communication or had rules about things that could or could not be spoken of. Maybe they withdrew their love and attention to pull us back in line. Maybe family members felt it was okay to interfere in our relationships or triangulate relationships so we, or someone else was vilified, turned into a scapegoat or a black sheep so that someone else could feel good about themselves.
We all have our stories, we’ve all lived through our experiences. We all have defining moments where we said, “no more.”
Our experiences with our family and our efforts to move forward and do something different with our lives, creates powerful change. Most of us can think about many ways we have changed as a result of our experiences. Things we used to accept and tolerate, engage with or do – we no longer do. When we have drawn a line in the sand between then and now, it tends to carry forward in our wider lives and relationships.
This can be a very positive, proactive and good thing. Maybe we’re more tolerant, kinder, more appreciative and connected to the people who are in our lives. Maybe we’re more direct, open and honest. Maybe we say an emphatic “NO” to people who play out the patterns we’ve already lived through in our families. Maybe it’s a quiet inner voice that says, “Oh, I don’t do that, think that, believe that, feel that … anymore.”
We hold ourselves to different standards and we hold the people in our lives (family, friends, colleagues etc.) to different standards too. We’ve lived, we’ve learned.
Do you have a line in the sand? A boundary you have drawn that has been a life changer?
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E-stranged 
My first line was when I had my daughter. I told my stepfather he would never be allowed to be alone with her. My mother didn’t take it well. She wanted to know why would I want to bring up “old bones.” Why indeed. I was too stunned to even reply. Who could this person be? Of course it was never that bad. Really it wasn’t?
My second line was when my parents couldn’t come to my military retirement after 26 years of service. The reason “it might snow.” Not it was snowing or they didn’t have a car capable of driving in the snow if it did snow. It might snow, after all it was no big deal. I don’t remember how I got sucked back in after that one. Most likely listening to people tell me how sorry I ‘d be when she is gone.
Now my third line is much deeper in the sand over something I didn’t even witness. It happened while I was at the store. She started on my daughter and had her close to tears, my husband stepped in and told her enough. My good brave hubby. She left in a huff and later (weeks) told me my mate scared her so badly she was having nightmares. Really. What a load of bull crap. Each of these lines were about ten years apart. I am working on this being my last line. It has been over a year. I don’t miss all the games. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I still worry have I done the right thing and am reaching out to others. I still miss the idea of mom, but then she will never be what I need and want. Thank you for reading.
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Hi ddszoo,
Thank you for sharing! Those lines in the sand can be incredibly personal and it’s brave to make them explicit. The good news seems to be you’re happier and more peaceful as a result of setting the boundaries. The other good news is you’re still checking in with yourself, still paying attention to your feelings. You’re conscious and aware of the loss, as well as the gain. It’s a personal journey – and not every line drawn will be always and forever; they are drawn in the sand after all, not concrete.
Wishing you connection, support and healing,
Fiona
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