You matter. No matter whether you chose to estrange, or someone (maybe many someone’s) chose to estrange from you. You matter whether your mother, father, grandma, grandpa, sister, brother, auntie, uncle, daughter, son … agrees, or not.
You matter whether you have been estranged for 10 minutes or 10 years. You will matter even if you are estranged for 110 years.
You matter whether you are strong, or not so strong, healed or not so healthy. You matter, even if you have a mental health label, even if you have 6 or 10 mental health labels. You matter even if you don’t.
You matter whether you want reconcilliation with your family and you matter even if you never do.
You matter whether you are alone, loving and caring for yourself or surrounded by a tribe of people who love you. There is no estranged person who matters more than you.
You matter. We all do.
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E-stranged 
This is beautiful Fiona.
It does not matter who chose estrangement first … It hurts no matter what.
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Beautiful, thank you.
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Thank you for this. My first thoughts were that girl could be me and then, that girl is me. I tend to gravitate the most to your posts that encourage, reaffirm and acknowledge the need for self-care, because these messages were and are not given to me anywhere else unless I search and find them. The messages that I constantly heard were that I didn’t matter–my story, my thoughts, my feelings or my voice unless it was in some capacity to take care of, do for, “help” or to serve others. Normally if I would try to convey my thoughts or open up a discussion around the directive to “help” others someone would respond, “Don’t you like to help others?” Only it would come across as a judgement and not an actual invitation to discuss how unhealthy this can be for some people. My mind is racing with a million thoughts and could go in so many different directions.
I’ve been in a self-reflecting mode and even more so lately thinking about my path and journey. In doing that I thought about another blog and thread where a woman spoke about her situation and sadly most of the responses offered the “conventional wisdom” of to go help others and sounded dismissive. It has certainly been a pervasive theme in my life–people relentlessly pursuing me to give to, to do for, to take care of in some capacity and the vilification of me if I resisted and stood up for my self and my right to self-care. I can’t even begin to recount all of the times that I basically heard that I didn’t count and to shut-up, to “move on” to “get over it” and to go help others as my problems were nothing compared to others–most of these offenders are/were people with kids when I answered their inquiries about my reproduction status. My last therapist would never have said such a thing or made such a stupid comment (to go help others).
So, I responded and offered the woman (and I was the only one) permission to take care of herself. Sometimes I think people do need to hear others validating the need to take care of themselves, since they do not hear that message. So I encouraged her to seek help as it sounded as if she may be suffering with depression and then I told her that first and foremost she needed to take care of herself first. It was something I had wished that I had heard from other people, but never did–only here or in books, but never people that I’ve encountered in my real life.
I gave to her what I never, if rarely heard and what I give myself. Your writings of self-care are the rains in a parched desert.
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Hi Karen,
I’m so glad that my self-care posts validate the importance of looking after yourself. If we are not able to love and care for ourselves, it’s so very hard to have anything to give to others. This is especially important when we find ourselves in environments and relationships which fundamentally deplete us and leave us feeling empty, While I don’t believe that looking after ourselves means we can’t also care for and nurture others, we do need to start where we are at.Absolutely yes! look after yourself.
Best wishes,
Fiona
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“While I don’t believe that looking after ourselves means we can’t also care for and nurture others, we do need to start where we are at.”
Thank you Fiona. I’m certain that you would agree that “nurturing others” is best when it is an option and also when it is a voluntary decision and not about others decisions for you and what they think you should do for them or how they will benefit from you.
I know that caretaking is probably a complex subject, however I wonder that if some people truly believed what you wrote if that would curtail their constant attempts at manipulation to try to get others to do for them.
I read your article, my comment and yours to this woman I know. She had made a comment that sounded critical towards me and I very quickly clarified my thoughts and stood up for myself. Her story was about a family with a lot of kids and the parents who didn’t look out after them. She said it wasn’t the kids fault and stated that they didn’t mind helping them out, because it wasn’t the kid’s fault that the parents were deficient. Then she said, “You’d probably resent that,” and stated it like it was a criticism.
My response was to tell her that she was right and that I would resent it. I acknowledged that parents not looking out after their kids was not the kid’s fault, however I don’t feel that it is my job either. I also said that I would not appreciate other people condemning or criticizing me for not taking care of other people’s children and trying to scapegoat me instead of addressing the issue of the deficient parents.
I wish more people would learn to look after themselves.
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