“You dont think you need someone to sit back hold a mirror at you, but you DO.”
– Tom Griffith
It’s an interesting thing that most of us will agree that we want to be able to share our estrangement stories with someone who will accept us, value us, believe us. No matter what. We want unconditional acceptance and regard.
Many of us pay for this privilege (literally) at some point in our healing. We lay out cash to speak to someone ( a therapist / counselor) who will believe us, validate us and help us to feel okay about our story. If not that, odds are really good that we will at some point invest in a fair few ‘self help’ books. Pathologising aside, there is a BIG market in our self-help culture for making people feel better, sometimes at the expense of getting well.
Many people don’t want to be challenged. They don’t want to have to look at themselves. They don’t want to have to change. They certainly don’t want to hear that they may just have a role in their cyclical relational misfortunes.
Sadly all this “nice” unconditional acceptance stuff has the capacity to hold up or completely derail our healing. As long as we are permitted to project our baggage outward, we won’t find our accountability. As long our attention is fixed upon what is wrong with the people who hurt us or make us angry, we don’t have the time or space to think about what we might need to change or do differently.
I’m not a fan.
I’ve never seen anyone heal and truly move forward from that place. That is a place of veneer without substance. It is a place of spraying perfume on manure and admiring the smell. It is a place where we watch the Emperor dancing naked on the table while sycophants tell him what a great tie he’s wearing. It is this very sort of inauthenticity, this fear of honesty, discomfort and difficult conversations that fuels estrangement.
Yes, of course we need to be accepted and approved of. We need to know that we are good enough, no matter what. We all need to be cared for and loved. We also need to take responsibility and become accountable because this is the foundation of personal power. If we don’t have any responsibility over the things that have happened in our lives, it renders us victims, unable to do anything to change them. Where we find our responsibility and our accountability we also find our personal power.
We need not take responsibility for anyone’s behaviour BUT ours. No abuse, whatever the sort, is our fault. There is never, ever an excuse for abuse. We didn’t cause it, it’s not mutual and that is not what I am talking about here. I am talking about being responsible to ourselves and to our healing. I’m talking about needing to take ourselves firmly in hand and look at where / when/ how we set ourselves up and perpetuate our unhappiness. I am talking about needing to look where / when / how we can do things differently so that we can be healthy and happy.
Yes we need people to love us and care for us. We need to know that regardless of the choices and mistakes that we have made that we are valuable people worthy of respect and love. What we don’t need is ‘sunshine blown up our arses’. Sometimes we need the mirror. It is possible to have challenging, truthful conversations, that encourage us to take a good hard look at ourselves, without sacrificing love and caring.
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E-stranged 
What I like about the concept of “unconditional acceptance” in a family, estranged or otherwise, is that it provides a basis to try again. In my experience with other (extended) family members that also have estrangements is that there is a lot of self validation. Taking the requirement to love in spite of the perception of hurt out of the equation means that they can also absolve themselves from the responsibility to try to reunite. Further, I think that in absence of knowledge about the facts about estrangements, books are invaluable tools to help us discover how to self examine. There are libraries, after all, so this process does not have to be costly. Without unconditional acceptance, acceptance becomes conditional, and that is not conducive to a reunion. If I say to my son: it’s our duty as part of a family to save this one place in our hearts for each other, at least, in spite of whatever else we have between us, there is that.
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Hi Cheryl,
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I can certainly understand the place for the idea / ideal of unconditional acceptance. Sadly, I have also seen how the ideal of unconditonal acceptance and regard can allow for the perpetuation of really toxic and abusive behaviour, and often serves to protect the perpetrator, rather than the victim. Further, I don’t accept that reunification is always a desirable or safe goal for all people who are estranged. Of course every estrangement is different, so not wishing to generalize.
Take care,
Fiona
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I have an adult family member (who, herself, is estranged from a parent), who also happens to be a life coach, who counsels validation of the estrangement. I find that very limiting, since it allows no room for the possibility that either party might progress past the circumstances that led to the estrangement. To me it’s just perpetuating anger, which is a kind of displaced grief. In fact, I’ve studied our family’s varies and numerous estrangements over three generations and feel strongly that displaced grief is behind most of it. This particular family member claims childhood abuse was present, but she is now a middle aged adult, and the parent is near 80 years old. While I respect her fears, it seems to me to be scripted at this point, and does nothing to help her press forward. In my own experience, my estrangement from my own child is not rooted in any abuse. I feel based on anecdotal evidence, he was coerced by someone, and I think there is hope for a reunion, something I very much want to happen. While I sympathize with people who have lived through abusive family relationships, I am also seeing that it seems very hard for people to reach a place of objectivity if that was their experience. Further, I am chagrined that there appears to be an emergence of people trying to come forward as “coaches” or experts at relationships, who really haven’t emerged with the level of self actualization to be objective. I come from the school of thought that if you love your kid, you don’t give up, ever. And if you find yourself in a position to discuss estrangement, be open, as you have said, because it demystifies it. The older I get, and I am getting there, the more I see that life is the only thing that can effectively teach. Of course one has to stop and think about the fact that each one of us experiences their own journey. Because I have seen inter generational estrangements in my own family and in others, I think we have adopted a harsh strategy for controlling our relationships. I think to teach healing, it’s imperative to also teach the art of observing relational patterns, because at the end of the day, we all have to own our strategies.
Peace,
Cheryl
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Hi Cheryl,
Thanks so much for sharing a bit of your story and thoughts about estrangement.
“I have an adult family member (who, herself, is estranged from a parent), who also bappens to be a life coach, who counsels validation of the estrangement.”
That’s an interesting observation for a few reasons. Firstly I recently posted a poll, a series of posts and some facebook discussion which was exploring how we feel when we are listening to someone else discuss their estrangement. A few things emerged from that:
1 – People tended to feel most comfortable with people who sat on the same side of the estrangement fence; thus estrangers found it easier to listen to other estrangers, estrangees to other estrangees (of course it gets interesting because there are a fair few of us around here who have both estranged from and been estranged from!)
2- Just because someone is estranged, it doesn’t guarantee they are any better prepared to hear or empathise with someone else’s story
3 – We tend to generalise our experience, so make assumptions that other people’s experience is in line with our own
4- We tend to recommend what worked for us; so if we are happy to not consider reunification we might think everyone is better off not to as well
5- We have a lot of judgement about other people’s estrangement stories and are more or less honest about that.
So it isn’t terribly surprising to find someone encouraging the repetition of their own story / healing.
“In fact, I’ve studied our family’s varies and numerous estrangements over three generations and feel strongly that displaced grief is behind most of it.”
That’s a great observation, and could very well be true for your family and your circumstances! However, like I mentioned up above, it may not actually generalise across to other people’s exeriences so it’s important, as you noted, to be really cautious about generalising.
“Further, I am chagrined that there appears to be an emergence of people trying to come forward as “coaches” or experts at relationships, who really haven’t emerged with the level of self actualization to be objective.”
That’s a forever problem I think for any of us who do clinical work. There’s a fair few well intentioned, ‘wounded healers’ floating around who don’t have the clinical training, professional supervision or support to seperate our stuff from our work stuff. Many people enter the helping professions because they want to help others who have been hurt or are hurting. It’s not an excuse, it is what it is.
From my perspective, I think the objective, particularly in a setting such as this blog, is to give people things to think about on their own. What a topic / idea / quote means to one person is unlikely to mean the same thing to the next and that’s okay, it gets all of our brains working! In addition, I think it bears ongoing repeating, if you read something here and it fits super! If you read something and you aren’t sure if it fits, well, stick it on a mental shelf and marinate on it a bit. If you read something and you feel it doesn’t fit in the least, by all means, feel free to discard it. It is afterall, your healing!
So we leave a lot of space around ideas here at E-stranged, knowing that there are many different kinds of estrangements and many different ideas about what causes it and what ought to be done about it. We openly communicate about that, in the hope that we are inspired to consider other people’s thoughts and experiences and broaden our own understandings. At the very least, it’s good to know family estrangement is not personal ie. it’s not just you or your family!
“I think to teach healing, it’s imperative to also teach the art of observing relational patterns, because at the end of the day, we all have to own our strategies.”
I couldn’t agree more 🙂
Thanks for being here,
Fiona
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Unconditional aceptance is a phrase as misleading as unconditional love. Most of us realize that certain acts can tarnish love, sometimes destroy it. Most people who use that phrase have done something hurtful and are asking for love in spite of their harmful actions. When I think of those in my life who have insisted on unconditional love, they are the very people who have acted with cruelty or disregard of others’ feelings.
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Hi Kathryn,
Sadly, I do not think you are alone in your observation. Unconditional love and acceptance is a beautiful ideal, however, in situations where there is active dysfunction, it can act like a “get out of jail free’card for perpetrators. We are under no obligation whatsoever to repeatedly expose ourself to relationships which cause us harm.
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I find it challenging not to step on toes because we are coming from so many places. Of course your thoughts above wouldn’t pertain to an estrangement formed from abuse or violence. It would probably be in ones best interest to move on and dissolve the relationship. But people that have “common” estrangement stories caused by family rifts over aunt Edna’s spoon collection, money, mom loved you better, etc…I think these are types of estrangements where people can unite again if both party’s are willing to work on it. Sometimes if one party is willing to make the first move and bend a little, it’s a first step. It can be hard to admit that you have some accountability in a family rift. Especially when tempers are flaring and words are coming out of everyone’s mouths that can’t be taken back. After two years I have “looked in the mirror” and I think me and my estrangers have some apologizing to do. I might not get it from them, but that’s okay because I only need to clean up my side. I believe in myself and I have to do what is right from my perspective. I believe that communication can at least get you to a point where you can agree to disagree. Getting to that point is a hard road to follow, and takes time and persistence. Anyway, in cases like those, in my opinion, the goal should be to not perpetuate estrangement into another generation. I want my son to know that it’s not okay to walk away from family because you can’t agree on something. Just my thoughts.
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Hi Ronni — Some good thoughts here! You’re so right about how difficult it can be not to step on toes as yes, we have so many different people with so many different reasons for their estrangements! What I was really talking about is living in a culture where we have expectations around unconditional regard, which, while they sound nice on paper, aren’t always doing anyone any favours.
I was talking in particular about how sometimes we seek out the people who tell us what we want to hear. How often we might feel that people who are our friends should of course accept everything and anything that we say, “unconditionally’ because they love us. I was talking about seeking quick, affirming fixes, that make us feel good about who we are, but don’t actually challenge us to look at our behaviour and circumstances honestly. I was also talking about an entire movement of “self-help” that is based around the notion of ‘we’re okay, everyone else has a mental health problem”.
I completely agree with you, when estrangement is based in disagreements which could very well be resolved with time, patience and supported communication – resolution and reuinification is a great choice. And it is important to teach our kids not to break relationships over resolveable disagreements. I think it’s equally as important however, to teach kids that family relationships are not an excuse for bad behaviour, or abusive behaviour even. We don’t need to have different standards of acceptable behaviour for our families than we do for the rest of relationships with people we also love and care about.
“Unconditional love” is a phrase which I think bears serious investigation and thought and I have written about it several times like https://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/unconditional-love/, or https://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/2012/02/19/two-sets-of-rules/.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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I’ve been estranged from, and have also distanced myself from behaviour which was persistently discourteous and disrespectful. After several years, almost all the estrangements with family members have either been healed or seem to be heading that way.
I would say that taking a long, hard look at my own behaviour was the best thing I did. I learned how I allowed boundaries to be crossed, how I went along with some behaviour because I allowed my self to be intimidated, and how my reactivity made difficult situations worse. I was highly motivated to change what I could – that is, my own behaviour.
Now I’m happy in my own skin, aware of my weaknesses and strengths, and set clear boundaries. I didn’t, finally, ‘need’ the estrangements to end; I’d learned to live a fulfilling life with no expectations of reconciliation. But family members have, after initial and prolonged resistance to the change in me, come to behave differently themselves; I think we are all treating each other with more respect and care.
I do love my family unconditionally, but I love myself too; in fact I think my first duty is to my own wellbeing. And just as I’ve challenged myself to stop putting responsibility for problems ‘out there’, I’ve challenged others in a similar way. So far, with good results… but even if the others hadn’t changed, or if the situation deteriorates again, I’m content that examining myself was a very worthwhile thing to do.
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Hi Kate,
Wonderful reflections – thanks for sharing them. You’ve had a good outcome on the otherside of the healing choices you’ve made; critical reflection / sef-examination, taking responsibility for the things that were yours, and not taking on the burden of responsibility for things that were not yours. We need to hear more stories about how people elect to make healthy, authentic, life affirming choices for themselves and how it can improve relationship!
Thanks for sharing!
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I’m at an interesting stage of my healing. My father is running for public office. I am proud of him and I can support him in his campaign. However, there was abuse in the past he wont acknowledge. I have told them my feelings on this. It seems like we are on two different planets of existence.
I am at a point where I can move on with my life. However, I cant come back and restore things as normal until my abuse is acknowledged. I need to know it wont happen again. I dont know if they will acknowledge it. however, I need safeguards to protect myself. As well as protect myself from being forced into codependency with my substance abusing relatives. (They often ask me for money. Or people ignore their abuse because s/he was just drunk.)
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Hi Michelle,
Really glad you’ve come to a place where you have been able to retain awareness of your need for boundaries and safety, even while being able to engage in a relationship with your father. That’s tricky territory to navigate. I can see there could be some tension in supporting a man to take up a position of public trust, if in his private life, he has proven unworthy of trust. Also navigating relationship with people who have addiction issues – it takes a strong and boundaried person to be able to do that!
Best wishes in your continued healing,
Fiona
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I think the concept of unconditional love too often allows for the perpetuation of bad behaviour … Because at the end of the day you have to ‘love me’ and therefore play into all the shit that comes with that. I think Fiona is right in saying we set ourselves up for what we think we deserve. So if you’re okay with the back and forth, the push/pull and the inevitable hurt feelings of loving someone or multiple people who essentially aren’t capable of loving or caring authentically, well alright. For me personally and as someone who is estranged from the majority of my family, I make a concerted effort to direct my love and attention to relationships that are mutually loving and accepting. I tried the unconditional love thing with people who I now realize don’t have the slightest idea what love is. That was a steep learning curve.
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Hi Ceilidh,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. “So if you’re okay with the back and forth, the push/pull and the inevitable hurt feelings of loving someone or multiple people who essentially aren’t capable of loving or caring authentically, well alright. ”
Yes, I agree. At the same time, if that is the choice we are making, then I think after a time we forfeit our right to complain about those people or relationships. It’s no longer about people doing mean things to us it’s about how come people do mean things to us and we continue to show up and allow it? I’m a big fan of the saying, “examine what you tolerate”.
“I make a concerted effort to direct my love and attention to relationships that are mutually loving and accepting.”
Sounds very healthy and sane to me!
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Ronni, one of my main goals as well, is to do whatever I can to avoid the perpetuation of abuse into further generations. I am very fortunate in having 2 children who have reached adulthood without experiencing any familial abuse – yay! and have a sense of their own identity and resilience. I have also made sure that the lines of communication are always open and transparent. I’m now working on my own boundaries, and have made an effort to educate them about boundaries as well. Until a couple of years ago, I had no idea what boundaries were!
Wouldn’t it be great if we all had the emotional tools to confront and argue with our loved ones, without attacking them? Instead of just reacting with anger to a verbal attack or thoughtless action, if we stopped and considered why we are reacting. Why are Aunt Edna’s spoons so important? Can I remember Aunt Edna without having to own her spoons? Can we share the spoons? What would Aunt Edna think of us squabbling over her spoons? How can we respect her memory?
For me, Fiona’s post gets to the essence of my own experience.
My family had a strong culture of “conditional acceptance”, but I was unable to recognize that, until I gained some insight into the family dynamics, after a few years of therapy and self-help. The idea of unconditional acceptance was completely alien to me. I imagine that this would be very common, if not universal, in abuse survivors.
Having said that, I did not perceive my experience of therapy and self-help as based on unconditional acceptance either.
I found myself constantly challenged to examine myself. I did a LOT of reading, and most of it was very helpful. Lots of epiphanies. I started with things like Toxic Parents (Susan Forward) and Alice Miller, and any other books I could find on abuse. This gave me an understanding of the emotional effects of abuse, and also some guidance regarding what actions I could take to help me heal.
Perhaps that is the “unconditional acceptance” part of the journey, because there is an assumption that the reader is a victim, that there is a perpetrator who was responsible for the victim’s issues.
Once I moved on to books by John Bradshaw and David Richo, there was a much greater challenge to examine myself. I discovered the concept of the wounded inner child. The idea of toxic shame. These were profound discoveries. Suddenly I could see how much of my FOO’s behaviour (including my own) was rooted in shame and childhood trauma. That has really helped me to understand them and have some compassion for them.
David Richo helped me to understand the concepts of projection and transference. Dumping our unresolved stuff onto others.
One of the fundamental tasks of healing from shame, is learning to accept that we have our own intrinsic value as human beings, just because we were born. No one is worth more than anyone else.
Actually acknowledging this an a deep emotional level is so healing for a survivor of abuse (of any kind).
So it has been for me. But the unacknowledged converse of this, is that the abusers also have that intrinsic value. So do the family members who are engaging in toxic behaviour. I found it so easy to have no regard for them at all, to heap blame upon them. If I acknowledge that they have value as human beings, then I could find some compassion for their own shame and pain.
I don’t mean that I am willing to accept their behaviour. I have not forgiven my parents for the abuse, even though I can see the family patterns that led to it.
It’s a difficult balance. I balance their responsibilty for their actions against the understanding that they were victims as well.
With my siblings by separating the behaviour from the person, I can work towards a place of acceptance, where I am separate and estranged from them, but can wish them peace and healing in their lives.
It’s a work in progress.
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So incredibly well said. Thank you
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I couldn’t agree more. I struggle with understanding what is my contribution to the estrangement, and what is not. I think that’s really the hardest part and for a while the weight of it kept me up at night. I know I have a role in every conflict, but I’m not entirely at fault. And that’s where my views and my family’s views differ.
I’ve come to understand that in each situation I will make a decision about how much of the blame to accept. And simply not accept the rest. Even if that blame goes unclaimed by anyone, I refuse to claim it. That way, working on overcoming my own flaws is not an impossible task. I can fix what is within my control, and I don’t have to fix anything else. What a relief!
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Hi Tora,
Thanks for your comment.
“I know I have a role in every conflict, but I’m not entirely at fault.”
I just wanted to point out again as I mentioned in my post Mutual I’m Sure, https://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/2013/10/19/mutual-im-sure/, not all conflicts are mutual. Of those that are, I agree, it’s really important to sort out what part belongs to you.
“I’ve come to understand that in each situation I will make a decision about how much of the blame to accept. And simply not accept the rest. Even if that blame goes unclaimed by anyone, I refuse to claim it.”
I love that bit of self-care and boundary setting! It sounds like a real life changer!
Thanks so much for your sharing,
Fiona
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Yes, indeed, Tora. It’s like surrendering a heavy burden, isn’t it?
I wish you, and Sandy, peace and self-acceptance on your journeys.
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