Theme of the Week: Control

“It is difficult, when faced with a situation you cannot control, to admit you can do nothing.” 
― Lemony Snicket

It’s a curious thing to live in a world which in so many ways leads us to believe that we have control – over our circumstances, over our relationships and even over other people. We are surrounded by a “helping” culture, that suggests if we think positive thoughts, read the right book, see the right therapist, or pray to the right God – we’ll get what we want. Our circumstances will be resolved, people will change, families will be “nice”, order will be restored and life will be good. If it’s not working, we need more control.

The truth is, most of us who struggle to work through difficult, toxic or estranged relationships have had the opportunity to learn some pretty sharp lessons about what we can and cannot control. Some of us will resit the lesson and some of us will think we can outfox the lesson. Generally what we figure out, sooner or later, is that the things and people we try to control, ultimately end up controlling us.

Control is an illusion at best and a heart/deal buster and a relationship breaker at worst. When we are busy trying to control circumstances or other people we usually end up with an unmanageable life in exchange. All the strategies we use to keep relationships manageable (to distance or not distance … to communicate or not communicate … to care or not to care …) actually end up making things more unmanageable, us crazier and our lives a whole lot less peaceful and healthy.

When we decide to get healthy, we have the opportunity to exchange control for a life that is manageable. In the beginning this might not seem like a great deal. Maybe we would rather maintain crazy relationships than to have a manageable life without them. Maybe we would rather relentlessly pursue connection with those who don’t want connection, than to have manageable connections with those who do want to connect. Maybe we feed off the adrenalin and stress that come from the roller coaster of pursuit and distance and find a manageable life without that stress feels somehow pale.

Control may have seemed to be our friend. We might have believed that Control kept us safe, protected us, and helped us survive. We might have counted on Control to keep the world safely in orbit, only to realize that in reality, no matter how hard we tried to control it, the world crashed at our feet (or over our heads) far too often. When we depend on Control to protect us from discomfort, difficult decisions, scary thoughts or feelings, or our own personal responsibility and accountability … we are asking far, far more than anything Control can deliver. When we are asking for Control to change people and salvage relationships, we may find ourselves sadly disappointed.

How’s your relationship with Control these days?

When Good People Go Silent

When it is genuine, when it is born of the need to speak, no one can stop the human voice. When denied a mouth, it speaks with the hands or the eyes, or the pores, or anything at all. Because every single one of us has something to say to the others, something that deserves to be celebrated or forgiven by others. ” 
― Eduardo Hughes Galeano

Not everyone who goes silent is doing so to punish or hurt someone else. Not everyone is using silence as a tool of manipulation or power or control. Sometimes silence is the final frontier and the end of a long journey to communicate, be heard, resolve things and create change. Sometimes silence means that we have accepted the limitation of our 50% of the 100% required to keep a relationship afloat and healthy. Sometimes it means we are opting for safety. Sometimes it means that we are practising self-care. Sometime it means we are waving the white flag of truce and opting to give up.

If we have been banging our heads on firmly locked communication doors; if we have been tripping over unspoken spoken messages; if we have clearly explained our feelings and set boundaries about how we’d like to communicate only to find the boundaries are consistently undermined or ignored and we find communication never really progresses …. we may find silence is our friend.

I was recently reading a book about dealing with difficult relationships/difficult people. While the author of the book went through great pains to carefully delineate the vast array of dysfunction that drags a relationship down what struck me more is that regardless of the amount of dysfunction the emphasis was on how to manage the relationship and make it last/work, “in spite of it all”. Some of the suggestions included:

1. Be fair, reasonable and forgiving.
2. Let the other person know how you are feeling in non-threatening, non-blaming “I messages”.
3. Set reasonable and logical consequences for the other person’s behaviour, do not protect them from the consequences of their behaviour.
4. Do not be swayed by excuses.
5. Be consistent and swift in enforcing consequences.
6. Set your rules in advance, make them clear and concise and give the other person a copy.
7. Keep your expectations low.
8. Choose your battles carefully.
9. Avoid blaming.
10. Create a strong, independent life so that you are not relying on the other person.

There’s more, but I figured 10 examples were ample.

Although all of these suggestions, on the surface, make sense – they mostly only make sense in context to a healthy, equitable relationship. These suggestions, especially when taken together, sound very much like those we might use to train a dog, or parent a child. They are certainly ways of ensuring that we are being clear and direct in our dealings with others, but in the absence of reciprocity, they are also a way of keeping us locked in a struggle to manage and maintain relationships which are high need, low return, dysfunctional at best, toxic or dangerous at worse.

In any given relationship we ultimately have three choices.

1. We carry on, accept the status quo and do nothing.
2. We attempt to manage the existing relationship with strategies like the above. Sometimes we can move the relationship and person to a less impactful place in our circle of trust. But ultimately we remain locked into trying to manage the unmanageable – that is to say, other people and their behaviour and we hope desperately for change.
3. We seek distance, silence and often end the relationship.

Arguably in seeking to improve relationships, we may do all three things.

Firstly, we may do nothing. We are caught up trying to make sense of non-sense, trying to figure out our role and responsibility in the problems and conflict.  At this point we may work hard to change oursleves thinking if only we did better, did more, did the right thing, did less of the wrong thing … that we could improve the communication and the relationship.

When changing ourselves does not produce change, we may try to push for the other person to change. Sometimes we try to manage or control other people, what they say and do, in the hope that they will realize the problem and also change. Often at this point we get caught up in managing, naming the problems, attempting to identify solutions, setting boundaries or rules and playing referee.

Sometimes after we have done that for however long it takes, we give up. We may still work on ourselves, our health and our healing, but we stop expecting it will create relationship change. We stop trying to manage the relationship and the other person, realizing it has become an exercise in futility. We get tired of playing the bad guy, or being the problem person. We get tired of forcing issues and communication. We seek distance, we talk less. Eventually we shut  down and up.

This doesn’t mean we don’t love or care. It doesn’t mean we are terrible communicators. It doesn’t mean it’s our “fault”. It means we’ve tapped out. We’ve done what we can, we’ve tried everything in our communication book and it just isn’t working.

Communication is a two way street. It requires two actively engaged people to do it. One person can try to carry the burden of communication for two, but eventually even the most persistent of us will give up. We have the choice to see this as “failure” or we can come to the place where we celebrate our increased capacity to discern where our energy is best spent, and who it is best spent with. It’s not our job to babysit other people. It’s not our job to carry the weight of communication or change on our own. We can expect more for ourselves. We are worth it.

Sometimes silence looks an awful lot like freedom.

 

 

Silence As A Defence, Silence As A Weapon

“I don’t even call it violence when it’s in self defense; I call it intelligence.”
― Malcolm X

Many of us have really good reasons for going silent. Perhaps we have realized that it doesn’t matter what we say, and so we stop saying anything at all. Maybe we have found that engaging leaves us emotionally vulnerable or prone to over reacting. Maybe we think that the best way to make a statement, is to make no statement.

It’s not difficult to justify, rationalize and excuse the use of silence, when we are the ones opting to use it.

Yet most of us will not permit the same rationalizations, justifications and excuses when others are choosing to opt for silence. Could it be that when we use silence we think of it as a defence and when others use it in their communication (or lack thereof) with us, we think of it as a weapon?

What then is the fair use of silence and how do we know if it is being used as a weapon or a defence?

Arguably we have all found ourselves in situations or relationships where silence is a considered choice. Perhaps we are using silence as a time out, or for “taking space”.  Using silence and distance in this way is really about learning to remove pressure from the relationship. For instance, a time out can be a necessity if you find yourself in the midst of a conversation or situation where you are feeling overwhelmed, cornered, or on the defensive. It is equally as useful if you notice that the person you are communicating with appears overwhelmed or on the defensive.

We all have differing needs for space and distance. We all have different capacities to deal with emotional intensity. We all have different thresholds and varying skill levels  for communication. The purpose behind a time out or taking space is not to hurt, punish or disadvantage the other person. It is a constructive, planned, mutually agreed upon strategy to safeguard the relationship and ensure communication remains open and respectful.

10 “rules” for using silence and distance in this manner include:

1. Discussing the value and use of time out in advance, preferably when both people are calm and there is not a pressing issue. Both parties understand the value in taking a planned break, and agree to adhere to the rules.
2. The person requiring the space must give fair warning – “I’m going to need to take some space in the next few minutes.”
3. The person requiring the time out should give a clear indication that they need the space NOW. This can be done verbally or non-verbally. Sometimes people use the classic sports signal; hands shaped in a T signal, others use a firm cut off signal.
4. As soon as the time out is called, the responding person must stop all conversation and be prepared to wait.
5. The person seeking the time out clearly states a time frame. For instance “I need this evening to think about this, or I need a week on my own.” This is a really important part of a respectful time out. It demonstrates that taking space is occurring within the relationship- and is not an ending or exit from relationship. A time out is NOT a threat and is NEVER indefinite.
6.  Both people can make a mental note (or physical one) to help them remember what the conversation was about so then when contact is resumed, so too is the issue.
7. Time outs can involve remaining in the same space, but being respectfully silent. It may mean taking some time away from the other person such as going for a walk, or out for coffee. It may mean taking a break from contact altogether.
8. The person initiating the time out re-initiates contact. If they are prepared to do so before the full time requested has passed, that is okay. If they require more time, they will return to the other person, and let them know that additional time is required.
9. When the person using time out is prepared to re-engage, they will also have a discussion about what caused the need for space. This is not about blaming the other person, it is about taking responsibility for self.
10. They also must be prepared to re-engage with the issue, or conversation that was occurring at the point of requesting time out. Time outs are not evasive manoeuvres, they are temporary breathing spaces in communication.

The use of silence and distance in absence of these rules, has the capacity to quickly deteriorate into being used as a weapon. How might we know that we have crossed the line?

1. When we have not explained in advance that we need to take space.
2. When we do not indicate any time frame for reconnection and leave the other person hanging in the dark. When taking a time out, there must be consideration for the other person’s capacity and tolerance for distance. If we know for instance, that taking space creates anxiety, fear and discomfort for the other person, we are going to want to be sensitive to that; 24 hours as opposed to a month for instance! [For more food for thought on this please have a look at What's Your Attachment Style and Getting Closer.]
3. When we use silence and distance to demonstrate our displeasure or anger or to punish or control another person.
4. Any time silence or distance is accompanied by threats to permanently leave or end a relationship.
5. When the person taking the time out does not take the initiative to re-engage leaving the other person to be responsible to end the silence.
6. When the person taking the time out does not discuss the trigger for the time out, or blames the other person for requiring it.
7. When time out is used to evade, deflect or dismiss inter-personal issues or conflict.
8. When we steadfastly refuse to see, hear, or speak to another person – in essence shunning them.

We must remain aware that for many people the use of silencing and distancing is incredibly painful and frustrating. Using silence and distance as a weapon is a form of ostracism and shunning. When someone experiences  total disregard it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex, which is the  is the part of the brain that detects pain. Thus it is that ignoring another person can create intense anxiety and suffering.   Agreed upon strategies for time out, allow both parties to have their needs considered and respected.

We don’t always have the luxury of negotiating terms for silence and distance. What starts out as a simple need for breathing room, can easily erode into estrangement when we lack the skills to re-engage or we have left the relationship so damaged that the other person is no longer willing to re-engage with us. We need to be able to evaluate the intention of silence and distance (others as well as our own) and as I have discussed in my previous post, The Strangeness of Silence, if there is no communication to explain silence, we will often make our own meanings, and those meanings may have very little to do with the other person’s intentions.

If we feel someone is taking space for defensive reasons, and as a means of protecting the communication and relationship, we will have a MUCH higher tolerance for silence and distance. If we feel someone is taking space to hurt, punish, or control us, our reaction is likely to be negative.

I cannot count the number of times where people have shared that estrangement was silence and distance that simply dragged on, with no real understanding of why. We aren’t taught much about silence and distance in relationship and many of us have troubled histories with attachment . It isn’t surprising we struggle to navigate closeness and distance, speech and silence in any relationship. It should come as no revelation then, that in relationships which feature significant emotional intensity that we are going to see problems.

It’s up to us to learn to see silence as intentional communication, and to navigate its use and meaning across all our relationships. It’s up to us to become aware of silence as defence, and silence as a weapon.

 

 

Revenge

“You can rent the space inside my mind.”
— She wants Revenge

Recently I read, somewhere or other, that revenge is simply part of the human condition. No matter how “good” or spiritual, or mature we are, all of us at some point or another wish to lash out, hurt, punish or get even with people who have hurt us or wronged us.

We want revenge.

Certainly across many conversations I have found this is true for many of us who are struggling to find our way through the complexity of family estrangement. We want to see family members hurt or suffer the way we have hurt or suffered. We want them to know how painful their behaviour has been. Inside ourselves we may become both judge and jury – and decide that we will not rest, be satisfied or heal until we are certain that circumstances have appropriately caused the other person to suffer and we ‘get even”.

Ironically, we can never truly know what is going on for the person we believe has wronged us. We don’t know if they are sorry or whether they have hurt and suffered in their turn. We don’t know what brought them to the point of causing us hurt and we will never truly know the long term implications that their choices and decisions will have had on their lives. Even if we had them on their knees in front of us, declaring their remorse and begging our forgiveness – it will not undo what was done, and there are no guarantees in apology.

Maybe it is true. Maybe the desire for revenge is a normal part of being human, however, it doesn’t mean that we have to fall victim to it or act upon our desires for it. Sure we can feel angry or hurt and we need to pay attention to these feelings but what is the goal? Do we want our attention caught up in fantasies of retribution, or do we want to move forward, put our focus on what is good, healthy and actually working in our lives? There is another saying that “what we put our attention on grows”.  What is it that we want to be growing in our lives?

Revenge locks us into the past. As the quote above says, the desire for revenge allows someone who has hurt us, to take up or rent space in our thoughts, our hearts and our lives. From this place we can only see other people (and ourselves) as one dimensional, static creatures. People become nothing more than the mean thing they have done to us, and we become nothing more than their perennial victim. Absolutely we can hold others accountable for their actions and behaviour. We can expect them to be responsible. What we cannot do is force this to happen.

Some people use estrangement as a means to extract revenge. They create impossible distance as a means of showing the other person that their behaviour is unacceptable. When they discuss estrangement it is very clear that the objective is to punish. Seeking revenge through estrangement will not make you feel better. It will not help you to build a better life for yourself. It will not help you achieve your goals for healthy, happy relationships or for peace of mind and healing. Seeking revenge will do the opposite. It will hold us back, trap us in the past and in our pain.

We don’t have to travel down this road. At any time we are ready to put a greater value on our well being and healing than we are on our past we can stop. Walk away. Refuse to become mired in anger or hurt. We unhook from these perhaps natural, but toxic nonetheless, desires to see others hurt. We can trust that life will have a way of working on those other people and their behaviour, that we don’t have the time, energy or resources for. We can hope that they will learn their lesson, but we put our attention to the task of learning ours.

~* ~