Imagine

“If you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.”
― John Green

Imagine if communication in our families, in our communities, in our countries, in our world were guided by Right Speech. Imagine if we were all asking, Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? How might our world be a different place?

Can we be the change we wish to see?

Learning Through Estrangement

“There are kinds of action, for good or ill, that lie so far outside the boundaries of normal behavior that they force us, in acknowledging that they have occurred, to restructure our own understanding of reality. We have to make room for them.”

~ Guy Gavriel Kay

We can find comfort in the fact that estrangement is within the realm of ‘normal’. Statistically speaking, people who identify as estranged, or acknowledge significant rifts in their family systems are far more prevalent than  is generally believed. However, many of the things that led to estrangement may feel far from ‘normal’, very far from okay.

We end up estranging or being estranged because something is so untenable that we cannot remain in contact with our family, our tribe. The untenable things can be as significant as overt abuse, or as subtle as the gradual erosion of connection and closeness. Big untenable or small untenable – this break from family is a big deal, as we humans are tribal creatures, we need our core relationships, our community and our family. Even when we are the ‘dumper’ and not the ‘dumpee’ , we do not shed these key relationships without cost.

There may come a time, when we are no longer in direct relationship to the family members who challenge us. We are no longer perpetually caught in cycles of reaction, pursuit, distance, and emotional roller coasting. We can breathe. We can get a bit of distance.

Then we reconsider issues of tolerance and boundaries – for the two walk hand in hand.  We can look at the actions, the words, the reasons why we are separated from our family and we can begin to consider what has occurred in our family relationships, and how we will make sense or meaning of them. We make space with what we think should be, what we hoped and yearned tobe and what we expected to be … and we sit still, mindfully with what is.

We can understand that this process is actually open to interpretation and choice.

We can integrate our experiences with our family – with our wider understanding of self, and the world and we can make healthy choices about tolerance and boundaries in our relationship with ourselves and with others. In short, we learn.

Tolerance and Boundaries

 

 

“No” is a complete sentence.”
~Anne Lamott

 

Today I am going to speak about tolerance from a different angle; the over tolerating angle.

Are you one of those people who tends to deny, push away, diminish or discount the things that bother or hurt you? Do you argue with yourself about whether it is valid to feel what you feel? Do you make excuses for other people’s poor behavior? Find yourself overstaying in relationships that tear you apart? Did you somewhere get the message that good people, nice people, caring people don’t say no? If you did, you are likely to find yourself in situations where you over-tolerate.

You aren’t crazy. Your instincts are just fine. Some things are deal breakers. Some things are abusive, inappropriate, or too hurtful to put up with. Some things we do not tolerate. Trust yourself.

Over-tolerating keeps us stuck in hurtful circumstances and negative, soul leeching relationships. It allows bad behavior to continue, whether our words say differently or not. Over-tolerating makes liars of us. We say we will not put up with … but we do.  Over-tolerating also builds resentful, angry, bitter people. It’s a no-win equation.

Conversely, healthy tolerance lets us more realistically appraise what is happening for us. We begin to pay a LOT more attention to what we feel and we learn to set boundaries which lessen our pain and anger. We don’t wait so long to say no or to take clear, direct action. We move from reacting, reacting, reacting … to considered response. We establish limits, we hold to them.

PS/ We can can say no, establish a healthy boundary for ourselves, and still tolerate others. Pretty snazzy eh!?

 

~* ~

Tolerating Difficulties With Tolerance

 

“Initially, I feel expansive when I try something new, and then contract as soon as I encounter difficulty or the unknown. I am learning to experiment with my tolerance of difficulty and the not knowing, in order to go further …..  Whenever I experience contraction, I explore it by asking, “Where did I stop and why?”

~Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy

We don’t move forward in our healing or recovery from family estrangement by doing the same thing we have always done and expecting different results. You know the old refrain, ‘doing the same thing and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity’. We also won’t make much progress by doing nothing at all. Time will perhaps ease some of the emotional suffering, however, it will do very little to resolve the baggage and patterned reactions we carry. We have to challenge ourselves to do something new, different, potentially uncomfortable.

Tolerance is one of those things.

Most of us who are estranged from our families do not radiate tolerance and loving compassion for the people we are estranged from. At least, not until we have undertaken significant work on ourselves. We are more often hurt, angry, wounded … suffering. It can seem like a big ask when we are caught in these painful, difficult, all encompassing feelings to gently place them aside and allow a bit of room for tolerance and compassion. We aren’t going to take away the space for all your other legitimate feelings, we are just going to make a little room for some other feelings too.

As the quote above suggests, the idea of trying something different can actually be expanding, opening, a little exciting – especially if we think it may help us to feel better. Yet, when we find that adding a new feeling, practicing tolerance, becomes difficult, or uncomfortable we can quickly close off, resist, and toss the idea and practice out the window, baby, bathwater and all.

Ironically, we need to learn to tolerate our difficulties with tolerance.

When you consider tolerance, be aware of the stories that pop up in your mind. What is it that you think and feel when you begin to practice tolerance toward yourself? Toward your family members? Have a listen to all those very critical and important stories. Ask yourself, where did I stop being tolerant and why?

It’s a practice. When you do it, you get better at it. I promise.

Why Should I?

“Tolerance implies a respect for another person, not because he is wrong or even because he is right, but because he is human.”
~John Cogley

 ”Why should I?

It’s a great question isn’t it? When we think about being tolerant or compassionate or loving toward people who may be behaving very badly indeed, the natural reaction is to resist.

We may have a lengthy list of reasons why the other person or people are not worthy of our tolerance. The fact is, if we already found people worthy of tolerance, compassion, forgiveness – there would be no need to extend these feelings in the first instance. We don’t tolerate because someone is tolerable, we tolerate because we find something about them intolerable.

We give tolerance because we desire no less for ourselves.

This tolerance begins by realizing that like us, everyone begins their day by throwing their feet over the side of their bed and getting up – just like we do. It begins with realizing that even the most unskillful person in the world, is looking for the same things we are; happiness, love, recognition, significance, safety, security. They may not be going about it in a way that we can see or understand, but if we recognize the core needs are there, just like ours, we can tolerate their humanness.

That is all that is required.

Tolerance, Not Putting Up With

“We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.”

~ Eric Hoffer

The whole idea of tolerance can become convoluted quickly when we come from a position of family estrangement. Isn’t lack of tolerance, or too much tolerance what got us into this mess in the first places? Yes, it is. We repair these places of intolerance and non acceptance with ourselves first. We start where we are.

Tolerance goes hand in hand with acceptance. We work on accepting and tolerating ourselves so that we are better able to be tolerant and accepting of others. We begin to see the connection between being injurious to self, with our tendency to be injurious toward others. We cannot give to others what we are unable to give to self.

We need to learn to tolerate our imperfection, our humanness. We need to tolerate our ups and down, our tendency to react, to resist, to stubbornly refuse to look at ourselves and be accountable. We need to learn to tolerate our good intentions and the way they sometimes  go amok. We need to develop tolerance for our fears, the places we flee, or fight, because we are afraid. We need to tolerate the places where we needed to set a boundary but didn’t. We need to find tolerance for the places we erect walls and barriers that others cannot penetrate because we don’t know a better way. We need to tolerate our deep desire for love and approval and the many ways, useful and less useful, that we go about getting it. We need to have tolerance for our one step forward, three-step back journey of managing the estrangement in our families.

Tolerance does not mean “putting up with”. There are things we do not tolerate. We do not tolerate abuse. We do not tolerate people’s destructive behaviour or words. We do not tolerate bad relationships for fear of having no relationships.

We work to develop loving, compassionate tolerance for others, but never at the expense of ourselves. This is a gift we give to others as well as to ourselves.

Acceptance and Reconcilliation

 

”When you are truly genuine, there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology.”

~Katie Goodman

Things to ponder ….

*  Where does change and healing begin do you think? After other people approve of us, or after we approve of us?

*  What has to happen for you to approve of yourself? Is it conditional on every member of your family accepting you?

*  Have you been able to convince your estranged family member(s) to affirm, value, love and approve of you?

*  Do you think it perpetuates your suffering to remain attached to an outcome you cannot control?

What’s the alternative?

Well, we begin to accept ourselves. We put our focus on the places we have power, and on the only relationship we will ever control. The relationship with ourself.

If we were to put even half our attention on building acceptance into our relationship with ourselves, as we do on our preoccupation with our family, we would begin to heal, to gain peace and equinimity.

The reality is, we may never gain approval, caring, connection or love from our estranged familiy member(s) no matter how much we want it, or work to get it. It may also be true, that no matter how much times passes, we will be unable or unwilling, to reach a place where we can offer our estranged family member(s) our approval, love, caring or connection either. We cannot make our self acceptance conditional on reconcilliation with our family.

For some people who are estranged from their families – the idea of self-acceptance is very scary. They believe that to develop peace, happiness, self acceptance without our family, means we are disloyal, that we stop valuing and caring for them, and that we are giving up hoping that there will ever be reconcilliation or healing. It is not so. Whether you reconcile with your estranged family member(s), or never do – the first task is the same task. You must find self acceptance.

It’s ok for you to accept yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t care for your family – it means you care for you. Go ahead, love your badass self!

 

What If?

 

“Now today, moment by moment, realize that each person and event that happens is life for you. Life is not somewhere else. See how fully you can accept the life that presents itself to you now.”
~ Brenda Shoshanna

 

What if family estrangement is not a cruel twist of fate or evidence of an uncaring Universe? What if it’s just “life”in all its messy, unpredictable, impermanent glory?

What if it is not “all about you”… and you are neither a villain or a hero, in your family story? What if you are simply (and oh so complicatedly!) a lovely, vital, glorious human being, landed plonk in the middle of your life, with no strings attached?

What if, when you realize that – you could let yourself, your family and your story off the hook?

What if instead, you could be in your life, right here, right now, as it is, with the people who are?

What if you could find acceptance?

Let Go The Judge

 

“I no longer agree to treat myself with disrespect. Every time a self-critical thought comes to mind, I will forgive the Judge and follow this comment with words of praise, self-acceptance, and love.”
~ Miguel Ruiz

 

People who are estranged from their families often feel pervasive shame and personal inadequacy. What is wrong with me that my family doesn’t love me? What is wrong with me that I can’t mend the broken bits between me and my family? What is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you.

This is where you start your healing work.

Nothing is wrong with you.

 

Acceptance: Theme of the Week

“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.”
~ Joan Didion

 

The theme over at the Facebook E-Stranged group is Acceptance. For more quotes and commentary, please sign up and join us!