Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

“The worst thing: to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love.” 
— Joyce Carol Oates

There’s an assumption that often floats around about family estrangement that the real problem is a lack of love. In other words, if we just loved each other more, we wouldn’t estrange from one another.

It may be hard to understand but sometimes love is not the problem. We can love someone with all our hearts and yet, not be able to retain connection and relationship. Sometimes love is not enough.

Relationships are complex and complicated too! It can be extremely difficult to walk the tight rope of loving yourself, growing into your own personhood, sorting your own problems while at the same time loving someone else, supporting them to grow into their own personhood and staying out of the way of their problems.

When people are bent on destruction, whether it is ours or their own, we can love them and find ourselves unable to remain present. Sometimes we leave because we must look after ourselves and that means removing ourselves from harm. Sometimes we leave because we realize that we cannot look after the other person and that our continued presence is neither useful or desirable.

Sometimes other people assure us that they love us with all their hearts and yet they are unable to step up to the plate and be accountable, responsible or present. Sometimes despite all the love they say they have for us, they hurt us, abuse us, take us for granted or take advantage of us and when they are in our lives, our lives become unmanageable.

There are so many reasons why estrangement occurs and many of them have nothing at all to do with love.

We can (and they can too)  love, truly, deeply with all our hearts and still sometimes love is just not enough.

~ * ~

New Year’s Resolution: Love

“To love would be an awfully big adventure.”

~J.M Barrie

My daughter has a thing about the Mayan calendar problem. You know the one where people say the Mayan calendar runs out in 2012, signalling an apocalypse and the end of the world?  This morning, as my cats were tearing around the house, sounding like an apocalypse, at 4:30 a.m. I got to thinking, if I could make only one resolution, to make my one year left to live truly worthwhile, what would it be?

I had to concede that I would likely continue to do many of the things that I am already doing. I would work because I love my work and it pays the bills. I would finish this estrangement book, and I would still want to see it launched into the world. I would go to the gym, do yoga and meditate – because well, they feel good! I’m not feeling the need to burden myself with more items on my “to-do list”. So what would be the one thing I could genuinely commit to do, that could really make a difference? What is the one thing that would make this year, the supposed last year ever, truly magnificant and worth living?

Love

I decided love would make the difference. If I had only a year, I would spend that year (more) fiercely loving the people I have in my life. I would spend the year (more) fiercely loving myself. I don’t think we are in any danger of an apocalypse. I don’t think 2011 will be our last year. I do think, love is a worthy resolution; so this year, I’m making it mine.

If we made only one resolution, to love ourselves and our loved ones, fiercely, 2011 would be a most worthy year; a year to be remembered, don’t you think?