Mother’s Day: Letting Go

During the years before we had children, the one thing we heard over and over again – I guess you’d say, as the ultimate persuasion for us to have them was, ” Yes children are a huge responsibility, but its all worth it when you know the rewards of having raised healthy, happy, successful children to adulthood.” No mention was ever made of how you might feel if it didn’t turn out that way.

- A Californian mother, Mother’s Day is Over, Shirley Rogers Radl

Last year about this time, I wrote a post called Mother’s Day is Over, which was directed to the many people who do not have or maintain a relationship with their mother. This year’s Mother’s Day post is a shout out to those who are mothers, but who do not maintain relationships with their children.

Some of us will have made the decision to separate ourselves and our lives from our children, some of us will have children who have made the decision not to have us in their lives. Regardless of who in these parent/child relationships initiates the split, the odds are very good that we, the mother’s who have children who don’t have us, will very likely carry the heavy weight of social shaming, blaming and the attendant guilt. If we didn’t get it “right”  you can bet there will be plenty of people to tell us why we didn’t: too much discipline, not enough discipline, neglect, helicopter parenting, too much responsibility, not enough responsibility, too much money, not enough money, too many social activities, not enough social activities,  not enough understanding, too much understanding … we will be held accountable if our children have problems with alcohol or drugs, if they turn to crime, if they drop out of school, if they leave home, or they don’t leave home … if they have mental health problems, or physical health problems … if they don’t have happy and healthy adult relationships, if they don’t parent their children well enough ….

Mother’s Day is not a confirmation of the valiant efforts we have made to raise ” healthy, happy, successful” children … it’s a smack in the face that we failed to do so.

What did we do wrong? This is the despairing call of parents who cannot keep going with their kids. Dr. Joseph Procaccini identifies something he calls ” parental burnout” which he estimates affects upwards of 50% of parents.  He goes on to define parental burnout as a state of ” physical, emotional and sometimes spiritual exhaustion resulting from chronic high stress and perceived enormous responsibility.”  Dr Procaccini attributes the huge social expectation and pressure that is placed upon parents to be “perfect” and to provide idealized lives for their offspring which can lead to intense feelings of anger, stress and ” responsibility without control”.

They sure didn’t talk about parental burnout in any of the baby manuals that I read. It comes as something of a surprise when we are confronted with children who don’t seem to like us much, or to realize that we might not like them much either. We didn’t see this coming when we were counting those ten little perfect fingers and toes after our lovelies were born. Those parenting manuals never warned us that even in the ” best of families”, with the most well intentioned, motivated and concerned of parents …  relationships between parents and children go amok or that amok happens far more often than we are told.

We aren’t told and we don’t tell because there is enormous cultural pressure to mother and to mother well. We aren’t told and we don’t tell because if things with our children haven’t turned out well, we will carry the guilt and pain of that, along with everyone else’s opinion about what we did wrong, where and how we failed. Parents who haven’t experienced any problems with their children (and those are rare parents) or parents who have experienced their own problems but are too ashamed to admit it … will reinforce the “bad mommy”  stereotype by assuring ” we’d never allow that to happen to our family”. Many parents can’t imagine their relationship with their child(ren) ever eroding, they are sure that their relationship with their child is above all that. For those of us who have intergenerational patterns of estrangement in our family, we are sure we can do better, do more, stay connected, keep caring for our children. ” Not my family, not my children” we say.

Bad things happen: mental and physical illness,  drug and alcohol addiction, poverty, crime, domestic violence, divorce, teenage pregnancy, criminal convictions, suicide. Even in the best of families.

Estrangement happens. It happens even in the best of families.

This year for Mother’s Day, how about we agree to give the gift of not blaming mothers without walking a mile in their moccasins?

A Week Of Christmas: You Don’t Always Get What You Want

“Through the reciprocation of energy, always, and every time, we will get exactly what we put out there to others. Like Karma, whatever we do will indefinitely come back to us in some way shape or form. When goodness is given, it is likely to returned.  When you support someone, you will be supported.  When you Love, you will be Loved.  If you give someone your last dollar, someone will help you equally. This is the law of the universe. What selfless characteristics do you portray to benefit your reality? Expand.” 
― Will Barnes

It was ideas like the ones suggested in the quote above that kept me hooked into dysfunction and abuse for entirely too long. I used to be a bit embarrassed about my preoccupation (and eventual disgust) with such New Ageisms and clichés. In hindsight I can see why these ideas were so attractive … I wanted love and caring. Instead my behaviour turned me into a perpetual victim and an enabler of bad behaviour. Sound familiar?

The idea that we will get what we give is a compelling notion and never more so than at Christmas. It suggests that we have control over things – people’s responses, relationships and getting what we want. If only we do the giving well enough – surely people will work out how much we love and care? Surely they will give back?

Yet, it also means that when we have given, and given, and given, and are still not receiving … that we will very often fail to put the responsibility back where it belongs. NOT on our faulty giving … but on other people’s unwillingness to engage, receive and give back. It’s painful to realize that we don’t always get back what we give. Goodness given is not always returned or appreciated. Support is not always returned in supportive kind. Love given does not always equate to love received.

The alleged ‘Law of the Universe’ is not nearly as black and white or as cut and dried as it sounds. Anyone who subscribes to such beliefs will quickly point out that out selflessness and caring may not be reciprocated by the person we direct our efforts toward. In other words, the Universe in its infinite wisdom may ensure our efforts are returned, but not necessarily where we want them to be. Ahhh what a trickster the Universe is!

I’m encouraging you to think about the message you send out to others by demonstrating selflessness in the face of disregard. When we continue to provide endless engagement, caring, and gift giving to people who reject, diminish or ignore our best efforts – we tacitly tell them it’s okay to treat us poorly and give little or nothing … no consequences forthcoming. You keep treating me badly, and I’ll keep chasing after you to give some more.

I no longer give gifts to people who don’t engage or care for me. I no longer walk out of my way to share my energy or time with people who do not do the same for me. If you haven’t bothered to speak to me, nurture me or our relationship, it’s fairly safe to say there will be significantly reduced giving on my end. It doesn’t mean I don’t love or care about you. It means I love and care for myself.

If we have to do clichés I prefer the one that says, “We teach other people how we want to be treated.”

It’s not selfish to decide we want to be treated well … it is absolutely imperative self care.  Give to those who will give back. It’s the Christmas gift that keeps giving, all year long.

A Week of Christmas: It’s Okay To Feel Happy!

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” 
― George Burns

During the holidays I often write for those who I know may be struggling, but I want to turn things around a little today. I want to talk about the great unspoken secret of family estrangement; many of us are quite happy in our estrangement.

That’s right. There are people who are estranged, by choice or not, from their family and who have managed to forge on, have learned to embrace their healing and have learned to nurture and value the relationships they have. They are happy.

Their  holidays are merry and bright. They aren’t missing what they don’t have or people who aren’t present. They don’t miss the stress and tension of dysfunctional relationship.They’re grateful that their holidays will be drama free. They aren’t sitting and waiting for the other shoe to fall. They’re spending time with people who value them, and who they value in return. Or they’re spending time with themselves, and they like it. They’re happy.

It’s good to be happy. We don’t need to feel guilty that we have moved on. We don’t need to feel badly that we aren’t struggling. It’s okay to be estranged from our family and still feel happy.  It’s even okay to be estranged and have a wonderful holiday.

It’s okay to feel happy!

 

 

 

A Week of Christmas:Feeling Like the Grinch

Holidays have no pity.

- Eugenio Montale
There’s nothing quite as depressing as seeing Christmas decorations hit the stores in October, and to have people chorusing ” merry Christmas, happy holidays”  for a month and a half before the blessed event. Especially when you are pretty darn sure there isn’t gonna be much merry or happy about it.

We forget sometimes in our haste to spread holiday cheer that there are many people out there who aren’t going to have a happy holiday and who won’t be surrounded by family, friends, gatherings and gifts … who may very well end up alone, sitting in front of the tv with a frozen turkey microwave dinner. That person could even be … us.

It’s a grim picture I have painted and we certainly can make some choices about how we spend our Christmas – many of us however, will be unable to create the myth of the season, no matter how hard we wish or try.

The myth of Christmas tells us that everyone is cocooned in a loving family happily gathered ALL  together in good cheer. Between Thanksgiving to New Years we are supposed to be getting enough familial love to carry us through many months worth of the next year. Well, this is a family estrangement blog – and lets face it, that is just not reality for most of us reading here.  And that’ s okay. It really is.

Just because our entire family, or maybe even none of our family, will be coming together to celebrate the holidays  … doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us. Just because we may not be feeling the full meal festive deal … doesn’t mean that we are Grinches. Feeling down or depressed over the holiday season is understandable but it is not inevitable. Just because we might not have the healthiest of families doesn’t mean that there is nothing for us to be grateful for or to celebrate.

I’m not trying to talk you out of your funk, or your sadness. If you are sad, there’s probably a good reason for that. If you aren’t feeling festive, there’s probably reasons for that too. It’s quite okay to feel what you feel. At the same time I want to acknowledge your power and capacity to make healthy choices for yourself. There’s lots of options for how to spend your Christmas. It may be you will spend the holiday with the family members who are present. It may be you spend it with friends. It may be you find yourself spending some of your holidays with a senior citizen or homeless person you have never even met. It may just be you celebrating with you.

One could say that holidays are a test of emotional resilience and maturity. Those who have the heart to celebrate will do so, in whatever way fits for them, or in no way at all.

You will too.

A Week of Christmas: Celebration

“If you don’t feel it, flee from it. Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated.” 
― Paul F. Davis

Some questions …

What does celebration look like for you?

How many people are required to transform a moment into a celebration?

How do you know when you are valued? How do you let others know that you value them?

Who or what makes you feel special? How do you make others feel special?

Celebration is a high form of praise. To celebrate is to appreciate, to show gratitude for, to delight in pleasures both great and small. We deserve a day where we are surrounded by people who celebrate us, not tolerate us. We deserve to spend our holiday with people we choose to celebrate, not merely tolerate.

Where will you spend your Christmas? Who will you spend it with?

Why enter a day, any day, with the intent of anything less than celebration?

A Week Of Christmas: Have A Plan

“A goal without a plan is just a wish. ”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Let’s say you have decided that you are going to do your level best to enjoy the holidays. Congratulations! That’s a great decision.  However, as the quote above suggests, a goal without a plan is just a wish. You are going to have to make some concrete choices about how you are going to enjoy your holiday. If you are reeling from family problems or estrangement right now, you may need a couple of plans, say an A and a  B plan. Sound like a lot of work? Not at all, let’s keep it simple.

Out of your head and onto paper please! Don’t just think about your plan, write it out, make it concrete, keep it where you can look at it, like a map if you begin to lose your way. Write it in a notebook, or on pretty paper, or even on your computer – just commit to write it down.

* PLAN A Make a list of your favourite things to do. They could be elaborate, like travel or simple like enjoying a cup of your favourite tea in a pretty cup. Try to think of a range of things – some that may require planning, some that you can do spontaneously. Consider which of these things you might be able to fit in to your holidays this year.

* PLAN B If you are anticipating a difficult holiday season, make special effort to consider your quick favourites – things you know make you feel better, that you can do by yourself. Choose a favourite book or movie. Think about your favourite meal and make sure you have the ingredients in the house. Consider your favourite clothing … do you have a sweater that  feels like a hug when you wear it? How about the joy of spending the day in your jammies? What makes you feel comfy? Do you have a song, or CD that makes you happy? Make a song list …. pick only the songs that have a track record for making you want to dance, or at least smile. Put these things together, make sure they are accessible – be prepared to use them.

* PLAN A Make a list of people that you enjoy spending time with. Think about how you can connect with these people over the holidays.  Make concrete plans with someone to do something with over the holidays. Catch a movie, go out for brunch, take a walk some place beautiful, play a game of Scrabble …. just do it together. Don’t just think about this. Ask. Set a date. Set a time. Show up.

* PLAN B Make a list of people who may not be near enough to get together face to face with, but who you can still connect with and enjoy. Don’t fall into all or nothing thinking … either I am with people in the flesh or with no one! Get creative, make use of technology. Connect. I will be spending Christmas eve with my best friend in Canada. I am in Australia. I plan to pour a glass of champagne, light a candle, fire up Skype and spend the evening hanging out with my bestie. It’s not a wish – it’s a plan!

* PLAN A Get creative. We’re all creative, even if we think we’re nothing but thumbs. How do you express your creativity? Do you like to paint? Build things with your hands? Cook? Write? Take pictures?  Don’t just ponder this … get the materials together that inspire you and be prepared to create!

* PLAN B Maybe you prefer to soak up the fruits of others’ creative efforts? Do you like reading? Watching movies? Going to an art gallery? Think about how you relate to creativity and then plan for it. Choose a favourite actor or actress or film director and get all their work and sit back and enjoy it. Listen to the complete discography of your favourite band. Check out a book of beautiful photographs. Re-read your favourite poem or children’s story book. Watch a television series on DVD back to back episodes.

These things are of course only suggestions. It’s up to you to do your own thinking and planning. You know you best!

It’s also worth making a quick plan of what not to do! When we think about it, most of us can come up with a list of things that generally don’t leave us feeling very good. Many of us lean toward doing these things when we are feeling vulnerable or unhappy. You know of which I speak … over drinking, over eating, picking arguments, over spending, isolating ourselves, hurting ourselves in any number of ways ….  self-medicating, numbing, escaping. You know how you hurt you … make a plan to NOT do or use these things.

Now is a good time. Plan.

A Week of Christmas: Adjusting Our Expectations

“ Christmas Amnesty. You can fall out of contact with a friend, fail to return calls, ignore e-mails, avoid eye contact at the Thrifty-Mart, forget birthdays, anniversaries, and reunions, and if you show up at their house during the holidays (with a gift) they are socially bound to forgive you—act like nothing happened. Decorum dictates that the relationship move forward from that point, without guilt or recrimination.” 

- Christopher Moore

Ahhh if only it were so simple!  Have you ever tried the strategy of waiting until a holiday or another important occasion  and then sending a gift or a card and hoping that it would build a bridge, heal a hurt, open a door… only to find the gift or card unceremoniously returned, or never mentioned? How about inviting someone you have a strained relationship or no relationship with, to join you for the holidays – only they don’t show up, or they do show up and its just terribly awkward and uncomfortable … or worse?

It happens.

We have such high expectations for the allure of occasion. This is both a blessing and a curse. It is our belief that holidays are magical and special that allows us to step outside of our normal day-to-day routine and enjoy ourselves.

It is also our expectation that holidays should be magical and special that can trip us up and leave us feeling lonely, unloved and anything but special at Christmas when the day fails to measure up to our imagination of what it could be or should be.

It’s time to adjust our expectations.

Christmas comes bearing all sorts of stresses; battling the malls and going shoulder to shoulder with other holiday shoppers, decorating, invitation sending, menu planning, grocery getting, cooking, cleaning, gift wrapping, entertaining. Or simply the stress of managing the social expectation of what Christmas is (or is not). We juggle the expectation that because it is Christmas time, we are supposed to be and do things in a better, more loving, more caring, more forgiving and giving way. And we have expectations about others doing the same thing. Somehow Christmas is supposed to be suspended from the reality we live the other 364 days of the year. Whew!

Must we add resolving family problems and curing estrangement to the to-do list?

Some may say that Christmas just isn’t Christmas when there are empty places at the table and the people we expect to be there are not. They might believe that holidays simply aren’t worth having while family rifts are happening. Some people spend their holidays planning and imagining reconciliation. They may even  think that it is not possible to enjoy the season, in spite of absence. Yet many of us do exactly that.

In order to accomplish this, we must adjust our Christmas expectations. We start by looking to the people and relationships who are present. We look to spend time with our immediate family, our inner circle of close friends, even acquaintances whose company we enjoy.  If we are the only person present, we learn that we matter, and we deserve a special day too …

We learn not to stack the deck against ourselves by expecting a Disney Christmas, and we instead decide what would make the day magical for us and those we love and care about.  We plan to create a holiday experience that is achievable – that means we keep our focus on the things we reasonably can do and want to do!

If your favourite part of the holiday is baking or cooking – do that – even if it is just for you – you are worth a beautiful meal or a shortbread cookie. If you enjoy Christmas carols, crank em up! Buy a present for yourself. Get it gift wrapped.

If you like entertaining, invite someone you like to spend the day with you. If you have no one to spend the day with, consider volunteering a part of your day to a favourite cause … head off to a homeless shelter, a senior citizens home or hospital, walk a puppy at the RSPCA. Remember, with the technology available, people don’t have to be sitting in your living room to connect. Phone, instant message, Skype, email – it’s all available – use it!

Think of Christmas like a ” get out of the day-to-day grind for free” card. If it was any other day that you had completely to yourself, to do with exactly what you pleased, what would you want to be doing? Do that! Read a book, head to the beach, curl up with a mug of hot chocolate and watch cheesy movies … get your camera out and go outside, write a poem, do a crossword puzzle, play a video game, listen to some favourite music. Light a candle, have a glass of champagne … play in the snow. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination.

Christmas is not “Drive Yourself Crazy Day” It’s not ” Bang Your Head On Closed Doors Day” and it doesn’t have to be  ”Reconcile with Estranged Family Day”. Leave family problems and the resolution of estrangement for another day; a less loaded day. Adjust your expectations. Take care of yourself.

Fatherless Day

“...I’ve made it my business to observe fathers and daughters. And I’ve seen some incredible, beautiful things. Like the little girl who’s not very cute – her teeth are funny, and her hair doesn’t grow right, and she’s got on thick glasses – but her father holds her hand and walks with her like she’s a tiny angel that no one can touch. He gives her the best gift a woman can get in this world: protection. And the little girl learns to trust the men in her life.”
— Adriana Trigiani

I’ll start this post by thanking Aimee for sending me this quote and sharing a little bit of her story with me.  Aimee, like several other Australian readers, is having an ambivalent Father’s Day.

“I never knew my birth father. I know is his name is Robert. That’s it.  My step father abused me from the age of seven to fourteen. My mother is still married to him so I don’t see either of them. I can’t relate to this quote, but it breaks my heart. My heart is broken because I wish I had a father and someone to protect me not hurt me or abandon me.”

Often people believe that mother’s are the key relationship for girl children and fathers are the key relationship for boy children. Research has shown quite clearly that this is not the case. Both boys and girls are deeply impacted by their relationships with their fathers, or lack of relationships with them.

While little boys learn what it is to be male, to be a father, a husband and a friend from watching their fathers; little girls are also busy learning from their dads. Fathers teach their daughters how to interact in future relationships, especially with men. Loving, supportive, encouraging, protective fathers model positive qualities that both their sons and daughters will use to guide their adult relationships.

So what does it mean to be without a father? Here are a few examples of how some estranged people are feeling about their relationships with their fathers this Father’s Day.

“I don’t get on with my father because he’s an angry angry man. It took me many years to realize I am always waiting for men to get angry. I think of ALL men as angry people.”

” I don’t want kids. It’s a run around trying to please my father. I never measured up when I was a boy and I don’t measure up now. I don’t miss him but I miss the idea of a father. How could I be good at something I haven’t experienced myself?”

“I don’t think of my father much. I used to when I was in my teens. I used to think if only he knew what I was going through he would come here and rescue me. Of course he didn’t come.”

“My father has an amazing relationship with my brother. They do everything together. My sister and I can’t compete with that. We’re not technically estranged I guess but I feel estranged if that makes sense.”

“My own father was absent but I knew he loved me. I met a man who was absent a lot and assumed he loved me too. It wasn’t love it was neglect. So I think daughters pick some aspect of their fathers in their partner because it feels familiar like I did.”

Today is Father’s Day. Even if you are estranged from your father, especially if you are, it’s a good day to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings about him. This doesn’t have to be an all day thing. Simply noticing how you feel for a few moments, is enough.

It’s Father’s Day. Are you sad? Angry? Glad you don’t have him in your life? Do you wish things were different? Is the absence of this relationship shaping your life today? Have you come to terms with your loss?

Honour your feelings. Take care of yourself. If its possible, spend some time today with a man or a boy who you love and care for; who loves and cares for you too. Remember, you’re writing the story now.

It’s Your Party, And I’ll Come If I Want To …

“My invite must have gotten lost in the mail,” she said venomously. “But I don’t mind crashing this party. 
— James Patterson

Last week, in my post, You’re Uninvited, I started writing about family events and estrangement. I wrote this in part, to a number of emails speaking about the inevitable tensions of knowing an important family event is about to occur and trying to make the decision about whether we should be involved (attend or invite).

In the follow up comments there was a fair bit of confusion about why we even worry about this issue when we are estranged. I mean, estrangement in and of itself should make this issue a no brainer, right? We’re estranged, that means we’re not in relationship and that means that we not only shouldn’t want to attend these sorts of events or invite estranged members to them – it also should mean we have no emotional conundrums about them.

Other people found this position offensive and short sighted. They spoke about the tension of wanting family and to belong, or wanting connection with some people in their family, even tho they were disinterested in other relationships within their family. They wrote, often very eloquently, about the way such dilemmas took up a substantial amount of emotional and thinking energy and how they struggled within the confines of estrangement to be “good” people, making considered and fair choices.

It’s not easy. It’s not simple. Sometimes it’s down right messy!  One off solutions will never cover the range of complexity inherent in these situations.

Two pieces of information came my way this week that I thought might be worth sharing. The first is from a reader who shared a bit of her story with me about attending her father’s funeral, even tho she had been estranged from him for many years, and consequently with many other people in her family too. She wrote about her vast ambivalence about attending the funeral, and also about her fear that she would not be able to find any closure with her relationship to her father if she did not attend the funeral. The story did not have a positive ending. The family event was marked by vehement in-fighting, blaming and anger. In her own words, “I didn’t find the closure I was looking for, but I found enough hurt to fuel even more estrangement.”

The other bit of information I stumbled upon was from an advice column, Ask Annie wherein a reader asks how she should manage family events where people she did not want to be in relationship with, would be present. Dear Annie’s solution? Attend but follow “etiquette”and feel free to snub the offending family members, whilst building on the other relationships in her family. This is a tricky one as it involves “snubbing” the spouses of certain people, while having “nice” interactions with their partners. It goes without saying, I did not agree with Dear Annie’s advice.

Clearly the business of attending family events or inviting others to your family events where estrangement issues are alive and well, is fraught. I’d like to propose some things you can think about in these situations. They aren’t advice per se, just points for your consideration. Remember, your estrangement situation is yours, and no one, including me, will have the answers for you.

1. Check your motives. Think about why you want to attend the family event or invite an estranged family member. Often we are triggered around family events to reach out and connect with family members, even though it may not be in our (or the other person’s) best interests. Consider whether by sending an invite or choosing to attend, if you are opening a door that you’d really rather stayed shut. Consider what you feel.Consider how the other person might feel. Is attending/inviting informed by guilt? By shame? By obligation?

2. Consider your resilience. Think of the best/worst case scenarios. Consider whether you have the reserves and resilience to deal with them. If you extend yourself and make an overture and it is rejected, how are you going to feel? Can you attend or invite without having any expectations? This is not about being negative or thinking of the worst, it’s about choosing from the heart and ensuring you can look after yourself if it goes sideways.

3. Yes, do think of the children! Family estrangement is grown up business. If it is possible to leave children out of it – please do. Something as simple as a card can make the difference between another generation learning to cope through distance and one which understands that difficulty in one relationship is not an excuse to obliterate all other connections too. Think really carefully about this one.

4. Don’t fake it. If your family is not inviting or attending you or your children to important family events, it hurts. It hurts them and it hurts you too. This is a BIG family estrangement owie – as the implications are enormous. We can live with knowing we will not have access to family, but it may break our hearts that our kids will grow up marinating in disconnection and distance.

Any time there is a special occasion involving children, we can find ourselves feeling very badly indeed for our kids, as well as for ourselves. This extends outward to extended family who do not feel able to connect with children or young people whom they love and care about, because they are estranged from their adults.

Despite all the pain and anger this may stir up, we need to be honest with our kids. Age appropriate honest. We don’t make excuses and lie for people. We also don’t demonize them. We need to let kids know that they may not get acknowledgment or invites from certain people ie. grandparents, the way that their friends do, but that it doesn’t meanthey aren’t important or loved. That’s right, we take the high moral ground around our children. We explain that there is pain, hurt feelings and disconnection AND that it doesn’t mean the missing family members don’t love and care for them. We give them an alternate story, that is capacity building and life enhancing. We give them a chance to break the legacy of estrangement.

5. Graciousness and gratitude. If someone you are estranged from sends you an invitation, consider the spirit it is offered in. Even if you do not desire any connection whatsoever, think about whether refusing the invitation is a means of self-care, or a  means of punishing the other person? Do the right thing. You’ll feel better for it.

6. Consider speaking to the person who is holding the event before you attend. Try to be even handed and honest about your concerns. Use the conversation to inform the decision you are making. If you let the person know you are worried about attending and don’t want to escalate existing family hurts or dramas, yet would also like to be present, you give an opportunity to brainstorm and discuss the best way to be present, or conversely to make a better informed decision about not attending. Consider doing the same before you invite someone who is estranged to attend one of your events. Don’t be naive. People who are estranged from their families have feelings about it, regardless of the importance of the occasion.

You’re Uninvited

“Whenever someone makes out a guest list, the people not on it become officially uninvited, and that makes them the enemies of the invited. Guest lists are just a way of choosing sides. “ 
— E.L. Konigsburg

I can’t imagine a more relevant quote when we start thinking about the impact estrangement has on families around such things as special family events; weddings, births, funerals, birthdays, Christmas and the like. I have many posts on this blog about making it through such occasions, coping with grief and loss, and struggling with issues of acceptance of self and others. That’s not so much what I want to write about today.

There’s a post I wrote a long while back, Families Gone AWOL, that looks at the issues more broadly and is worth revisiting. People often compare estrangement to a death in the family. In my post I go to some lengths to explain why this analogy often does not fit. Dead people don’t get married, they don’t graduate, they don’t have babies. Dead people don’t have birthdays, they don’t gather for holidays and they generally don’t die again. Estranged family members do all of these things … and even if we are well and truly estranged, many of us still have a variety of ways of finding out that these things are happening and that we are not a part of them.

The follow along is we will also have these events occurring in our lives and we too will be busy with inviting or conversely not inviting. Sometimes we can feel quite alright with that. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we can vacillate between the two positions.  I wrote a very personal blog post about how this works for me in my family called, Choose Joy. It was about my daughter’s high school graduation last year, and how difficult it can be to live with the realities of estrangement. Not only difficult for ourselves, but often difficult for entire family “factions”- those who are “in”and those who are “out”.

Many of us will struggle with making decisions about whether we should turn up for family events that we are clearly not invited to participate in; funerals are a great example of this. We may feel our own grief and our own need for goodbyes and closure, trump any current family disconnections or upsets. Many of us will also struggle to manage our own special occasions; do we notify estranged family members? Do we put differences aside to invite people who we are estranged from? Is that the “higher road”, the more noble, evolved choice?

We may struggle to reconcile the inevitable tensions  estrangement brings. What does it mean if we are estranged from one person, like a sibling for instance, but we do not wish to be estranged from our sibling’s children? Can we choose not to be in relationship with one person, yet want to be in relationship with other people who maintain relationships with that person?

We may have heard that one of the most common times that reconciliation happens is during one of these family events. What we may not have heard is these events also can reinforce estrangement and make a nightmare out of events that should not be nightmares; weddings and births spring to mind.

Like estrangement, death brings grief and loss. Unlike death, estrangement brings with it complexity, possibility, and highly charged emotional conundrums. I’ll endeavour to write some follow along posts to this one, which might unpack some of these incredibly difficult choices.