Betrayal

“We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.”
- Freud

I have often found it interesting how little information has been written about betrayal. The subject is a common theme in stories and movies, yet doesn’t seem to translate well to a more open discourse. Most of us can identify a time and relationship where we have experienced betrayal, and for many of us who are managing family estrangement issues, betrayal has been an intimate and impactful experience.

So what is betrayal, why is it so damaging, and how come no one wants to talk about it?

At the most basic level, betrayal involves the breaking or violation of an agreed or assumed trust or confidence. Often betrayal is seen as the act of supporting a rival person or group at the expense of another person or group. We believe our family will accept and value us ” no matter what”, we trust that our partner will be faithful, we assume that our friends will have our backs and seek mutually beneficial outcomes, we believe our work place is healthy and that our jobs are safe, we trust our wider social systems to protect us and support us when we need them to.

When our trust is broken, we experience betrayal – a substantial psychological and emotional dissonance, which occurs within a relationship between individuals, within families, organizations or even larger social and political systems. Betrayal is often unexpected but even when we have suspicions, discovering betrayal is psychologically and emotionally shattering and involves shock, disbelief, disappointment and the re-evaluation of one’s relationship(s) and belief system. As the Freud quote above suggests, the more we care or trust, the more vulnerable to betrayal we become because, generally speaking, the greater the trust that one puts in another person, the greater the impact the betrayal has. In addition, the more we rely or depend upon a relationship and the greater it’s sphere of influence in our lives, the more profoundly we will experience betrayal. Because family is deeply primal and the place where we first learn about trust and belonging, if we have experienced betrayal in those relationships, we may carry fear and distrust forward with us into our other relationships too. We are also likely to have these deep primal betrayals re-triggered by later ones.

The aftershocks of betrayal are anger, despair, fear, revulsion for the lack of integrity and loyalty demonstrated by the person who has betrayed us and a pervasive sense of helplessness or powerlessness. Discovering we have been betrayed is devastating because it strikes so deeply at the core of who we are. Betrayal causes us to doubt ourselves and to doubt our ability to make sound judgments about other people. Betrayal shakes up our belief in the fundamental goodness of people, of groups, of organizations and of the world. When we have been significantly betrayed we may fear that we cannot trust anything, or anyone and we may begin to perceive even the sturdiest of relationships as dangerous and unsafe.

Betrayal is an experience that causes us to question ourselves, devalues our self worth and erodes our self confidence. In the wake of betrayal, we may find ourselves socially isolated and silenced because not surprisingly, betrayal also leads to shame. Yet going it alone and silence are not our friends when we have been so deeply wounded. This is the time we must seek out trusted relationships with those who have consistently been present for us. This is not the time for fair weather friends, this is the time for those who will walk the hard yards beside us. If we find we are without people who we feel we can trust, we can trust ourselves and we can enlist the support of a professional to help repair the damage done to our sense of self and self-worth, and to help resolve any feelings of vulnerability we carry with us.

The opposite of betrayal is loyalty. Both exist and there is no point pretending otherwise. Building and establishing trustworthy relationships is a journey and so too is getting to the other side of betrayal. The important thing to remember is we can do it and we are worth it.

The Way Forward

“We cannot take more than one step at a time.”
― Orison Swett Marden

“How do I survive estrangement?”  If  had a dollar for each time someone asked me this, I would be a wealthy woman.

When we are deep in the throes of suffering, and we feel that our world will never be rightened again, it is difficult to imagine that we will move through estrangement.  We will though.

It isn’t easy. It has no particular time frame. There is no one answer for how to get from where you are to where you would like to be. It takes courage to keep moving forward when everything inside wants to curl up in a ball or retreat. But like any tragedy that enters our lives, we move through estrangement one step at a time. Each morning we put our feet over the side of our bed, we stand up, we brush our teeth and we dress ourselves. We move through the tasks in front of us and we do the best we are able. We let that be enough.

We notice and value the relationships and caring that is present in our lives. We seek extra support when we need it. We cocoon and nurture ourselves. We might meditate or pray. We cry when we need to cry. We rest. We pay attention to the things in our lives that miraculously remain untouched by our pain; a beautiful sunset, the sound of birds chirping or a cat purring, a mug of hot tea, the feeling of surf and sand on our feet, a hug from a friend.

We pay attention to the stories of others who have successfully traversed the landscape of estrangement. We believe, perhaps in spite of ourselves, that it is possible that we too have the courage and endurance to do the same.

There is only one way to bear that which feels unbearable and that is one day at a time, one step at a time.

Fatherless Day

“...I’ve made it my business to observe fathers and daughters. And I’ve seen some incredible, beautiful things. Like the little girl who’s not very cute – her teeth are funny, and her hair doesn’t grow right, and she’s got on thick glasses – but her father holds her hand and walks with her like she’s a tiny angel that no one can touch. He gives her the best gift a woman can get in this world: protection. And the little girl learns to trust the men in her life.”
— Adriana Trigiani

I’ll start this post by thanking Aimee for sending me this quote and sharing a little bit of her story with me.  Aimee, like several other Australian readers, is having an ambivalent Father’s Day.

“I never knew my birth father. I know is his name is Robert. That’s it.  My step father abused me from the age of seven to fourteen. My mother is still married to him so I don’t see either of them. I can’t relate to this quote, but it breaks my heart. My heart is broken because I wish I had a father and someone to protect me not hurt me or abandon me.”

Often people believe that mother’s are the key relationship for girl children and fathers are the key relationship for boy children. Research has shown quite clearly that this is not the case. Both boys and girls are deeply impacted by their relationships with their fathers, or lack of relationships with them.

While little boys learn what it is to be male, to be a father, a husband and a friend from watching their fathers; little girls are also busy learning from their dads. Fathers teach their daughters how to interact in future relationships, especially with men. Loving, supportive, encouraging, protective fathers model positive qualities that both their sons and daughters will use to guide their adult relationships.

So what does it mean to be without a father? Here are a few examples of how some estranged people are feeling about their relationships with their fathers this Father’s Day.

“I don’t get on with my father because he’s an angry angry man. It took me many years to realize I am always waiting for men to get angry. I think of ALL men as angry people.”

” I don’t want kids. It’s a run around trying to please my father. I never measured up when I was a boy and I don’t measure up now. I don’t miss him but I miss the idea of a father. How could I be good at something I haven’t experienced myself?”

“I don’t think of my father much. I used to when I was in my teens. I used to think if only he knew what I was going through he would come here and rescue me. Of course he didn’t come.”

“My father has an amazing relationship with my brother. They do everything together. My sister and I can’t compete with that. We’re not technically estranged I guess but I feel estranged if that makes sense.”

“My own father was absent but I knew he loved me. I met a man who was absent a lot and assumed he loved me too. It wasn’t love it was neglect. So I think daughters pick some aspect of their fathers in their partner because it feels familiar like I did.”

Today is Father’s Day. Even if you are estranged from your father, especially if you are, it’s a good day to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings about him. This doesn’t have to be an all day thing. Simply noticing how you feel for a few moments, is enough.

It’s Father’s Day. Are you sad? Angry? Glad you don’t have him in your life? Do you wish things were different? Is the absence of this relationship shaping your life today? Have you come to terms with your loss?

Honour your feelings. Take care of yourself. If its possible, spend some time today with a man or a boy who you love and care for; who loves and cares for you too. Remember, you’re writing the story now.

Mother’s Day Is Over

“But there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours begin.” 
— Mitch Albom

Today is Mother’s Day and I wanted to take a moment and reflect on the many, many people who are estranged from their mothers. For those of us who live with this sort of estrangement, Mother’s Day marks an anniversary more akin to a death than to a celebration. While other people are shopping for cards and gifts and planning to spend the day with their moms, we who are estranged invariably take time to mark what we do not have and who is not present in our lives … a mother.

The marketing and mass commercialization of this day means that we can annually expect to have this wound picked open to bleed. It means that we will, even if only briefly have to contend with the vacuum in our lives that has been left by the person who we are told in every way should love us most, and best. Many of us will be unable to talk about this openly because our shame will effectively silence us. “No I don’t have a relationship with my mother”… “No I won’t be spending time with her today”… “No … I don’t love her”… “No she doesn’t love me” …. Many of us will still be caught up in the question, “If my own mother does not love me, am I really worthy of anyone’s love?”

Even if we do love our mothers, we may still be unable to be close, and even if we believe she does at the heart of things, love us, we may be unable to be in relationship.Even if we are reconciled to the loss of this relationship, it hurts. It is like a death, except a death we cannot or will not mourn, cannot openly talk about and cannot think  or feel peaceful about. Her story and our story remains entwined, regardless of the facts of estrangement.

So today, for those who are estranged from their mothers, I would like to wrap you up and cocoon you in caring. I want to tell you that no matter how significant this most primary of relationships is, there are other people who love you and care about you, value you, respect you and want to be a part of your life. I want to remind you how very many reasons there are for relationships to break and for relationships to go unmended. You are not a bad person or the “presenting problem”. You are just one person in a sea of many who cannot or will not remain in relationship to your mother.

Take some time to be kind to yourself today. Spend this day with people who care about you. Love yourself.

~* ~

Sometimes Love Is Not Enough

“The worst thing: to give yourself away in exchange for not enough love.” 
— Joyce Carol Oates

There’s an assumption that often floats around about family estrangement that the real problem is a lack of love. In other words, if we just loved each other more, we wouldn’t estrange from one another.

It may be hard to understand but sometimes love is not the problem. We can love someone with all our hearts and yet, not be able to retain connection and relationship. Sometimes love is not enough.

Relationships are complex and complicated too! It can be extremely difficult to walk the tight rope of loving yourself, growing into your own personhood, sorting your own problems while at the same time loving someone else, supporting them to grow into their own personhood and staying out of the way of their problems.

When people are bent on destruction, whether it is ours or their own, we can love them and find ourselves unable to remain present. Sometimes we leave because we must look after ourselves and that means removing ourselves from harm. Sometimes we leave because we realize that we cannot look after the other person and that our continued presence is neither useful or desirable.

Sometimes other people assure us that they love us with all their hearts and yet they are unable to step up to the plate and be accountable, responsible or present. Sometimes despite all the love they say they have for us, they hurt us, abuse us, take us for granted or take advantage of us and when they are in our lives, our lives become unmanageable.

There are so many reasons why estrangement occurs and many of them have nothing at all to do with love.

We can (and they can too)  love, truly, deeply with all our hearts and still sometimes love is just not enough.

~ * ~

It’s A Journey

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

~Laozi

When we physically injure ourselves, or become ill – we know that getting better might take some time. We know that we will have to go through the process, no matter how tiresome or difficult. The body will have it’s way.

Emotional healing is like that too. When we have been badly injured emotionally, psychologically, spiritually …. we go through a similar convalescence process to that we experience when we are physically hurt.

In the wake of family estrangement, relationship ruptures and cut-offs we may experience unbearable hurt, deep grief, guilt, self-loathing, fear, anger or frustration. We might feel these feelings one at a time, or all at once even! We may feel inconsolable. It might seem that nothing anyone else says or does can take us away from the edge of suffering. We may feel life isn’t worth living, or maybe we just feel numb, passionlessly disinterested in engaging with our lives.

This overwhelming discomfort will turn, given time, a whole bunch  of self care and a bit of effort. Even without our assistance, Mother Nature will have her way with us, and the Wheel of Time will turn. No-thing stays the same.

Gradually we begin to notice the warmth of the sun, and tune back in to the sound of laughter. We take tentative, teetering steps toward acceptance and well-being. We feel ourselves smile, maybe for only a second or two, but then, for a little longer and a little more often. We have less bad days and more good ones. We find ourselves putting our energy into relationships with people who are giving their energy back to us. We let go of our pain and we quit clutching at relationships with people who cannot give us the things we want or need. We decide to heal.  Eventually we are made anew by the irresistible challenges of life and relationship.

Healing and recovery are a process … a journey if you will. You know that.

So how come you are looking for quick fixes and trying to be anywhere but where you are?

Doing Grief, Feeling Grief

“It’s good to do uncomfortable things. It’s weight training for life.”

~Anne Lamott

I have been speaking throughout the last few days about the expression of grieving, which is foundational to moving forward after the loss or termination of a relationship. However, expressing grief, is really just the beginning of the journey, rather than the end. There are two primary things which need to happen in order for us to move through loss 1- we must tune into our feelings and express them 2 - we must find concrete, active ways to integrate the loss into our lives and learn to cope without the missing person.

There is a good deal of emphasis on the expression of grief – and I think this is interesting and possibly a bit ironic, considering we have a culture, which resists feeling uncomfortable. Is it possible that we need extra support and information about expressing our feelings precisely because we aren’t supported to feel?

The fact is, we will feel whether we decide to feel or not. Our feelings are involuntary in origin – which is to say, they arise whether we will them to or not. Whether we choose to attend to our feelings mindfully, and actively work with them in a skillful manner, is another thing altogether.

The second part of the equation is considerably more under our conscious control. This part of the grieving process is active, and doing in nature.  This is the part of integrating loss that involves realistically assessing the concrete ways in which we and our lives are impacted by the ending of the relationship.

“I was angry when I broke off my relationship with my daughter. I think it was for the best. Now I am getting older I realize I am alone. My daughter is my only immediate family. My friends children are there for them if they get sick. I have a friend whose son comes every few days all winter and shovels her walk. I have no one to do that. No one to come feed the cat when I was in hospital. No one to visit me there either.

Lynn’s story illustrates her awareness that estrangement has concrete implication and that she has not yet found ways of integrating this awareness into her life. She has not developed other relationships, which would provide her with support and caring, to replace that which she may have lost when she disconnected from her daughter. Even if Lynn’s daughter was not the supportive sort, Lynn may need to mourn the fact that her daughter is not the daughter she wishes she had (expressing her grief) and she will need to integrate the loss by reorganizing her life to go on without her daughter. Until Lynn has found a way to express her grief and integrate it through reorganizing her life in a way that is fulfilling to her, she is likely to feel painfully caught up in the absence and loss of her daughter, even though this loss was her choice.

This is a delicate balance – the need to feel what we feel, and do something constructive about it to cope with the loss of relationship in our lives. It is further complicated by the fact that we often tend to have a better ability in one area than the other. Research has indicated that women tend to be better at the expressive aspects of grieving (feeling the loss) and men tend to be better at handing the active details and doing of loss. Whilst there may be a gender bias, in my professional experience I have worked with men who are able to fluidly move through emotional expression, and women who are very competent at handling the nuts and bolts of creating change and moving forward.

What seems to be more important is how we identify our strengths. If you are the sort of person who can take complex and intense emotions in stride, but who falls apart at the idea of having to learn to manage finances, or figure out how the lawn mower works – that’s really good information. You will know that you are more likely to need support and help to move through the concrete reorganizing and adjusting to loss. If on the other hand, you do a great job managing all the details of your circumstances but find yourself unable to get in touch with your feelings, or wishing to avoid your feelings altogether, you may need support to become mindful of and express your feelings.

One is not better than the other. One does not happen at the expense of the other. Both are required. The trick is making space to experience both, even if one is less comfortable than the other.

Things to ponder …

*  Are you more a do-er or a feeler?

*  How do you think this might impact your ability to move on after estrangement?

* Can you think of ways you  mindfully work with your emotions?

* Can you think of ways you have mindfully integrated your estrangement into your life by making concrete changes?

The Question of Grief

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”

~Marcel Proust

Maybe you have been reading my postings about grieving, and maybe you have started to consider, really think about,  your own grieving – both the process of it, and the causes of it.

It could be that right now, you do not feel grief or do not connect with the idea of grieving. Maybe you thought grieving was only feeling sad. Maybe you just want to avoid the whole idea of grieving. Or, maybe you identify very strongly with the grieving information and can easily identify where you are currently in your personal grieving process. It’s okay either way.  Even if you don’t require the information or the learning at this time, you can come back to it, if and when you need it. It’s good to have different ways to think and feel about our experiences and feelings.

Whether you are actively grieving right now, considering your previous experiences of grieving, or are just curious about what you think about grieving, here are some sentence fragments you can consider. Don’t think too much, let whatever responses pop up, come forward and write them down. Complete the sentences in as many ways as you possibly can.

* I think of grief as ……..

* What my grief says about me is …….

* If I fully experienced my grief I would …..

* What I would most like to do with my grief is ……

* The thing that would help me most with my grief is ….

Now, have a look at your list. Notice which beliefs are positive; lead to your long term welfare and happiness?

Which beliefs are less positive and may lead to your long term suffering and harm?

It is important for us to realize that we can learn to discern what serves us from that which does not serve us. It is also important to acknowledge that most of us would prefer to feel happy and to think that we were moving toward something healthy and life enhancing. Try to remember the positive beliefs, and let the negative go. Consider completing the sentences below, again just allowing your answers to arise spontaneously without censoring or editing:

* If I were to think of grief as a teacher, what is it I need to learn?

* If I were to accept rather than resist grief, what might I be doing differently?

Sleep on the answers to these questions and tomorrow, with fresh eyes, see what you have learned about grief, about yourself, and about how you could move forward with your healing.

The Journey Through Grief

“Maybe that’s what you got when you stood over your grief, facing it finally. A sense of its depths, its area, the distance across, and the way over or around it, whichever you chose in the end.”

~Sarah Dessen

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross gave us a model of the grief process, back in 1969, in her cutting edge book, On Death and Dying. Her model is quote probably the most well-known  and is widely used by many to map the journey through grief.

The model outlines five stages:

1-   Denial

2- Anger

3- Bargaining

4- Depression

5- Acceptance

This model was, and is an amazing gift to those who are moving through a process which may feel, without shape, measure or end. However, Kübler-Ross’ is not the only staged  model of grief. For instance, about ten years after Kübler-Ross, was Bowlby’s description of the phases of grief, and the associated tasks of healing, which aligned with his attachment theory. These phases included

1 – numbness

2- yearning and searching

3- disorganization and despair

4- reorganization

There are others staged models of grieving, which can be very helpful, as they allow us to normalize the scope of grieving (it’s not just feeling sad) and they emphasize the movement of the grieving process. The don’t however, necessarily fully describe the grieving that is typically associated with family estrangement. There are a variety of individual factors which may strongly shape regular grieving through a death. Some of these factors include; how old we are at the time of loss,  our personality traits, our cultural background, the nature of the relationship  we had with the person we are grieving, how the relationship ended, the  availability of social support (including family – very tricky in estrangement situations!).

However, as I have been discussing across other posts, estrangement loss is even trickier as far grieving goes, for many other reasons.  On top of all the other reasons and variables I have previously mentioned, here’s a couple more reasons that estrangement loss is unique:

1- We often have more than one loss to grieve – and it is not uncommon to find that as we grieve one loss, other losses, which are about life and family history, before, during and post estrangement, also arise! The multitude of these hurts and losses pop into our awareness, so that they too can be acknowledged and healed. This means that we can be in various stages of our grieving process, over various losses, all at one time.

2- Grieving is compounded by other stressors, which are very common in estranged families and include things like; addictions, mental or physical health problems, domestic violence, child abuse, divorce and other voluntary or non-voluntary separations.

Grieving family estrangement is complicated.

Although the stages of grief  are presented in a linear way, grief generally doesn’t follow a straight road. As much as we might appreciate a neat, tidy checklist that we could work our way through and be done with, instead we find ourselves weaving and winding our way through the grieving process, until we are resolved with each part of our healing. Grieving is seldom neat or tidy and while someone else’s theory or map may give us overall direction and reassure us we are going the right way,  the roads we choose to arrive there are our own.

If we can get conscious about how we move through grief, we can create an absolutely personal map.  This map is a lifesaver. Our map can help us appropriately make use of and manage the feelings and processes associated with Kübler-Ross’ stages of grieving, or any other step-type model. For instance, our map can help:

To remind us when we are resisting knowing, and resisting feeling – that we have been to denial before – and we know how to find our way out.

To remind us when we are consumed with anger, and feel that there is no end to it -  that although the road may be long, eventually it turns a corner.

To remind us when we find ourselves in endless attempts to bargain, make deals, or talk ourselves out of walking the road in front of us,  that there is only one way out, and that is through.

To remind us when we have descended deep into depression or despair, that we will rise to feel sunlight on our faces again.

Our map shows us OUR direction, our way of navigating grief,  in our own indomitable fashion.

Things to ponder …

* Think over your life and the losses or major changes you have successfully navigated. Think about the five stages of grief, and your experience with each one. Can you see any patterns or themes?

* If you are in the midst of grieving right now … see if you can identify where you are in your grieving process. See if it is similar or different to your previous way of moving through grief.

* Can you take the wisdom you have gathered in your previous journeys to guide your way now?

Don’t Rush Me, I’m Grieving

Grieving doesn’t make you imperfect.  It makes you human.

~Sarah Dessen

No one wants or likes to hurt – but sometimes, it is what it is. We are never going to eliminate pain, but, as the saying goes – we can certainly decide how much we will suffer with it. Resisting grief hurts.

Simply becoming mindful of pain is a challenge in a culture that wants us to numb and eradicate it – don’t put attention on pain, don’t suffer, have a pill, painkiller? Anti-depressant? A nice stiff scotch? Hurting, how about a new relationship? Sex? Hmm .. maybe some chocolate cake? No need to suffer – let’s self medicate that pain! Don’t want to self-medicate with activity or substances? How about some super charged positive thinking?! Don’t focus on the hurt, just change your attitude and it will all be better.

People don’t want to hear about other people’s pain – we don’t even really want to be aware of or attend to our own.

This resistance to pain (and indeed any uncomfortable anything), actually embeds it, like a sliver,  deeper into our psyche and our emotional bodies. Paying attention to pain, finding the sliver, gently removing it – requires effort and work.  I have a fondness for narrative self inquiry – the process of becoming conscious and fully present with the sorts of stories we tell ourselves about our pain, what sorts of meaning we attach to things that hurt. This is the way I hunt down the sliver, this is the way I find the appropriate medicine for the pain.

This process is not insta-gratification. It is not presto wham-mo, healed! Grief is a process, we choose it. We accept it. We open to it. We don’t have to. We will receive much encouragement not to. At first, people will encourage us to feel better, get past it, get back to normal. Later when our greiving is too much for them to bear, they will be less patient; they will tell us to snap out if it, get on with it, pull ourselves together. Grief is difficult for the griever, and it is wearing for those who bear witness.

So it is hard to sit with our grief. Yet, we must.

I have already shared my research discovery that very often, those of us who are estranged from our family members, never fully grieve. Estrangement would appear to be something of a grief risk. “… Family estrangement leads to a very particular grieving  process – which is often characterized by a willful failure to grieve, or incomplete and aborted grieving. ” The fact that estrangement lends itself to so many barriers to grieving, along with the social pressures that want to minimize and rush us through our grief, which is then multiplied by our natural resistance to discomfort, it is little wonder we don’t grieve well.

Slow down.

Grief is a transformational process. It takes time. How much? Well I don’t know. Everyone is different. It will take you, exactly as long as it takes you and not one minute more, or less. Don’t let people push you though your process. Put aside people’s well intentioned, usually unsolicited advice. Don’t worry about getting back to ‘normal’… normal hasn’t been so hot either, or you wouldn’t be estranged!  Don’t abandon your grieving. ‘Getting on with it’,  pushes us to skip over grief. A death in your family will give you some compassionate leave and some sympathy. An estrangement will not. You must take this time and space for yourself. Grief is an intrusion. We have to set aside our plans, our lives, ourselves, to sit still with it. It is precisely because we must move outside what is, that grief has the power to transform and heal.  But only if we allow it.

Find compassionate companionship if you can; someone who is able and willing to be present with your grief, without feeling the need to inhibit it. As you grieve, care for yourself, like you would do for your best friend. Make space for your grief. Stay with it. Stay with yourself. Don’t rush.

You are worth it.