Show Me You’re Sorry, Don’t Tell Me

“A good apology is like an antibiotic, a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.” 
— Randy Pausch

We’ve all been on the receiving end of an apology that didn’t feel very satisfying. We’ve probably also given out a few apologies that weren’t taken well. It seems like there is plenty written about what makes for a good or a bad apology, but I think there are some general things we can think about to tease out the difference.

A good apology is a sincere one. The person giving it feels genuine remorse for the hurt they have caused. Their intention is to be accountable, to take ownership of their behaviour and to make amends. The apology is offered without words that minimize the hurt or anger of the other person and without rationalizations, justifications  and excuses. Generally speaking, when someone apologizes to us for doing something that has hurt us, we expect that they will not repeat the offending behaviour.

When an apology is given so that the offending person can be absolved or  ”let off the hook”, when the intention of the apology appears to be to minimize their guilt or to silence us and our hurt or our anger, we will not find the apology believable or satisfying. If apology is offered but the offending behaviour does not change, it will be very hard to take it seriously. The more often someone apologizes for the same thing, the less likely we will be to accept the apology.

Apology is not a ‘get out of jail free card’. If we have seriously hurt someone it may take time for them to be willing to let go of their feelings. If we have been hurt, it may also take us some time to get past our feelings.  An apology will never replace the willingness to commit to the hard work of healing a hurt or righting a wrong. It’s not a replacement for the process of rebuilding trust. It may be that the best apology is shown, not just spoken.

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Theme of the Week: I’m Sorry

“It is always so simple, and so complicating, to accept an apology.” 
— Michael Chabon

 If you are estranged from a family member you have undoubtedly thought about or been told you ought to both apologize and/or accept  apologies.

It is often suggested or implied that if we apologize, or the other person does, we can simply graciously accept the apology (or that ours will be graciously accepted), problems will be resolved,  rifts will be mended and life will move on. Sometimes this is even the truth. Yet, many of us have all kinds of experience with apologies or the lack of apology that lends a more complicated view to the words, “I’m sorry.”

Apology is located deeply in our system of beliefs. How we feel about giving or receiving apologies is influenced by all sorts of things like culture, age, gender, authority as well as things like the general distance in relationship, our perception of wrong doing, the way we interpret the act of apology and our history with making and receiving apologies. Much of this is deeply ingrained in our families and we may or may not even be fully conscious of what we think, feel and believe to be true about apology.

Consider some of the things research participants have shared:

“Why should I be the one to apologize. I didn’t start this.”

“Everyone in my  family is quick with an apology and quick to do the same thing again twenty minutes later.”

“My mother expects apologies but never gives them.”

“If you really love someone you shouldn’t have to say sorry. I mean, they should know you are sorry.”

“I’m not sorry. All I did was tell the truth.”

Some families, cultures and religions place a very high value on apology and it’s sister, forgiveness. Other ones don’t. There is plenty written about the “right” way or the “wrong” way to apologize; plenty that speaks to us about the how and why of making an apology or receiving one.  The follow along is we have expectations about what will happen when we make an apology and what should happen if we accept one. One of the recurring themes in my conversations with people who are estranged from family members is this tension of working out when we should make apologies and when we should accept them and aligning this conundrum with our experience of apology in general. Many of us will not have had particularly positive experience with apology in our families for all sorts of different reasons. This struggle with apology (making them and receiving them) may in fact, be one of the reasons estrangements occur, continue and are perpetuated.

You might think  the solution is simply to get on with the business of apology. Yet it is not nearly so simple. The landscape of apology is steep and fraught with many perils. In order to look objectively, or as objectively as any of us can about something so intrinsically personal, we may need to spend some time picking apart our experiences and beliefs about apology. We need to see how we move with apology generally and then, in a more focused way on  apology within the context of the relationships we have with people we are estranged from. We may need to get clear about what apology means for us, so that we can make informed decisions about making them and receiving them, or risk slipping into apologetic reactivity.

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