Two Sets of Rules?
“Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.”
― Henry David Thoreau
I’ve been hard at work wading through reader emails and decided to pick up on one that was sent to me by Raylene. In her email she said, “In my family there are all these rules about how to be in relationship. I follow them because I have always followed them. Lately I feel like an idiot for going along with things I don’t agree with but doing them anyway. I have a relationship with my family but the price seems high.“
First off, many of us have experienced “rules” in our families – things that we must say or do, put up with, not say or not do if we are to maintain our family relationships. Sometimes these rules make sense, things like, treat each other with respect or be honest with each other. These are generally sound rules which don’t just guide our relationships with our family, they guide our conduct in all meaningful relationships.
Where we run into trouble is when our family has rules, which are not healthy or functional. Rules that we often wouldn’t consider following in any other relationship except for those with our family.
These are rules that admonish us to behave in ways that are not consistent with our own values and beliefs. Rules that ask us to suspend our thoughts, feelings and boundaries. Rules that find us tolerating behaviour that we wouldn’t generally dream of putting up with from anyone else, in any other relationship.
These sorts of rules, we need to consider very carefully indeed. Compromise is required in all relationships, but when the rules we adhere to cause us to compromise ourselves in such a way as to leave ourselves open to pain, stress, dysfunction and abuse … these rules must be identified, and must be broken.
There are families that consider the bond of family more sacred than the right to health and well being. Blood is thicker than water, family is for life, unconditional love, forgive and forget, thou shalt not be aware, thou shalt not speak … the list goes on and on.
Who’s making the rules? Who’s following them? Do we really need two separate sets of rules to guide the relationships with those we are related to, and those we are not?
I don’t think there should be 2 sets of rules, but family seems to think that they can get away with anything, and you’re not going to confront them about it. Sometimes when other family members say, she or he’s still your (insert relationship), I feel like saying to them that just because she or he is still my (insert relationship) that doesn’t give them the right to mistreat me. So I think family member or not the rules of behavior should be the same.
Virginia
Thank you for this post…it is so true! I have been told that I must make exceptions for family by following these rules…even my therapist asked me last week how long I intended to “continue avoiding family functions” even though it has only been 4 months. I didn’t know I had a time limit…she acts like I am a naughty child. I don’t think she understands how painful this is. I am so grateful for this site…it means a lot to know that I am not alone.
Hi Lee,
I find it frustrating to read about professionals who are working with estrangement issues, who are perpetuating dysfunction and undermining the need for all of us, to make the healthiest decisions for ourselves, about our families. Remember, shopping for a therapist is like shopping for any service provider – we are not obliged to continue to receive a substandard service from anyone – we can we can shop around.
Best wishes in your healing,
Fiona
Life is all about control by the damned system, religion, government, and people. These rules are a form of judgment and while we need rules that protect us from the ravages of criminals, we do not need rules that equate to subjective judgments. imposed by family members or others.
I have close friends who are atheists and their opposites, I will term as “believers”. There is no quarreling or hatred from either group towards the other.
There is a difference between rules and standards.
Among many things, the one thing I love about God is that He has His own rules BUT allows freedom to accept or reject, and still cares about people.
I note that humans for sure do not ascribe to that. I am sickened and angry at what I see happening in families today by way of judging and legalistic nonsense imposed in family circles. The ones hurt most are, as we have seen here, children.
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Always Edward
Hi Edward,
Lovely to see you back – hope your walkabout was restful!
I can always rely on you for the big picture perspective! Sometimes however, that big picture perspective can be really overwhelming when people are busy trying to create change in their own “little picture”. We each can only ever start where we are, with ourselves and our own relationships. As the saying goes, courage to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference!
Take care,
Fiona
You are, of course correct and this time it will not take a D-8 Cat bulldozer to drag that from me as it generally does.
As to vacations, it ended too soon as is generally the case but I again interacted with good people within a nation I have confidence in.
I do empathize with the difficulty that confronts you in dealing with people and I include myself in that mix. hmmm
There are of course rewards, and even though I think at times you are misunderstood, I am of the belief you seek the best interests of others in their existences fraught with challenges and difficulties…as to the challenges and trials of your work, there are benefits, and one of those is being loved and cherished…hmmm
Always Edward
When the family rules are detrimental to your own health and well being the most sane thing to do is break them or at least question them. It may not look sane to the other family members but odds are that their health and well being is being compromised too.
Hi Joyfulwise,
At the end of the day, I remind myself its my skin I have to live within. If I don’t take responsibility for me, I sure won’t wait for someone else to do it for me. It can be hard to leave other people to sort out their problems and lives – but its the respectful thing to do, and the only thing we really can do!
Take care,
Fiona
I finally realized that all of the rules that my family was shoving on me were well-crafted manipulations to keep me accessible for abuse. I was expected to see them on an incredibly frequent basis and, if I didn’t, I would be lectured, criticized, and demeaned until I succumbed. All of these rules did nothing except give them the right to hurt me, over and over again, in very specific ways; the rules justified their behavior and treatment of me.
Trying to remove those rules from my life (“I have no right to boundaries”, “I have no right to emotions”, etc) has been very hard, but so incredibly life-changing. Now when I come into contact with someone who’s “set of rules” are just disguises to allow abuse, I know that I can and should get very far away from them. It’s a lesson that I think most people don’t ever learn, because the initiator makes the rules seem so rational and your unwillingness to follow them makes you out to be a monster or, worse yet!, abusive. But I stopped buying into it and have started separating the bullshit from the boundaries and my life has become a lot less tangled.
Really good post!
I broke the rules in my family…”family first”, blood thicker than water, etc. etc. So this really speaks to me. And to Stephanie, thank you for your post…your situation sounds so similar to mine! It is so good to be able to come to this forum and know that I am not alone, or crazy, or a bad person. I find everyone’s input here to be valuable, thoughtful, thought-provoking, and helpful. A big thanks to you all.
Thanks, Yvonne! As sad as it is that people relate, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. And I agree: I love coming here and being forced to take a really good, hard look at myself. It keeps me from becoming stagnant.
Amen to that!
Hi Stephanie -
Thanks for sharing a bit about your journey toward a healthier and saner relationship with yourself. I’m so pleased to hear that as you do your own work on yourself and your life, the tangles are disappearing. Good work!
Best wishes on your continued healing,
Fiona
When I first read the the title I thought how the post was going to be about how certain rules dont apply to certain people. You can swear at me in my family; you cannot swear at my cousin. However, this is so true in my familiy: my father mocked me for dating a jerk, my family swears at me, my family wouldn’t visit me after I was sent home from the trauma ward. However, I’m supposed to think this is okay because it is family? If you wouldn’t tolerate other people doing it to you, you shouldn’t tolerate your family doing it to you.
i agree with you Michelle, in that if you wouldn’t tolerate other people mistreating you, you shouldn’t tolerate family mistreating you. I feel that our familys think that they can get away with mistreatment because they figure that you’ll just tolerate it from them because they’re family. It’s almost like they think they have a license to mistreat us.
Hi Michelle,
In general I am not a fan of different “rules” for different people, so never fear! One set of rules or expectations for family relationships, and another for regular relationships is a very interesting dynamic to explore. It can go the other way round too … where people think they are able to put minimal regard or energy into non familial relationships and expect them to survive and thrive. Relationships take energy and work and commitment. They require give and take and equity – regardless of blood.
Take care,
Fiona
it really is so sad that society “expects” us to tolerate certain behaviours from our relatives just because they’re relatives; and that you get these “you’re weird!” looks when you tell people that you refuse to go along with certain behaviours coming from your family and this is causing a rift between you and them…they tell you “you should go along because, well, they’re family” … while they would tell you to just turn away from any other people behaving in the same way… where’s coherence in this?
moreover, the one thing I hope to teach to my future children, is that they don’t owe me ANYTHING: nor gratitude, nor respect…neither love itself. I wish them to be free of any obligation towards me… I hope they will feel that way of their own volition
Silvia, your words ring very true to me! So does this whole post on the topic of 2 rules. In my family, my brother treats everyone as horribly as he wishes and it is all tolerated, even approved of, but those behaviors would never be tolerated by me. Heck if I even COMPLAIN about the outrageous behavior, let alone try it myself, I am attacked. When i point out this double standard, I am met with denial and/or attacks.
The obligations: I am told to this day that I have to put up with anything bc my parents changed my diapers and fed me. I am 45 years old! Really, I have to suspend all reason and accept any treatment bc you met your responsibility as a parent? You had me, it was your responsibility to care for me, that does not make me an indentured servant for life! I dont owe you for meeting the responsibilitites that you took on of your own free will and that I did not thrust upon you. You did not have me and care for me so that later on I could be your door mat, or did you???
This really hit home with me. I finally reached a point where I made a decision to never allow myself to be put in situations where I do not wish to be. My family does not understand my desire to live my own life and follow my own paths. I moved several states away as much to create some distance as well as the main reason. The distance is forcing [some of] them to accept it.
One glaring thing I see here, a common factor with most as well as the same factor that is causing the three women I talk privately with to have/are experiencing serious emotional pain and hurt is that much of their hurt COMES FROM FAMILY MEMBERS/IN LAWS AND STEALS THEIR HAPPINESS.
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Like most of the commenter’s here your article resonates for me too–the two sets of rules. I’m definitely not a fan of that type of hypocrisy, yet this behavior I’ve experienced in my own family as well as my in-laws, which I found having to cope with was much more intense and challenging. I’ve commented about these issues previously. If one tries to challenge the status quo and the double standard then one is also met with denial and/or attacks and they could be pretty vicious. And of course obligation is thrown in your face with every other tactic to throw people off. My husband would often tell me how his visits would go–usually extremely tense. He didn’t look forward to them, but I know he felt an obligation. I recall his description and retelling one particular visit. It was one of the few times where he broached the subject of her (MIL) mistreatment of me and him. He tried to stand up to his mother and she responded with anger, which was very typical. When he talked about his experience growing-up he would refer to her over-reactions and hair trigger temper. This time he not only had to deal with her usual anger and wrath, but her live-in boyfriend decided to stick his nose into their relationship issues as well. They blurted and spewed that she knew him since before he was born, etc.–something stupid and childish like that–you know the drill (I’m your mother, I gave birth to you and so you owe me, blah, blah, blah, etc.). Eventually her tactic was to completely avoid any discussions about me and my husband said she just didn’t want to deal with it. .
If one really considers a response like that–well it was a pretty pathetic, but the fervor and attacking behaviors that accompanied it was what he was used too dealing with–her rage and he didn’t have a lot of experience dealing with it in ways that would have felt more empowering for him. So in this situation he had two people going off on him, which unfortunately tended to subdue him. He retreated, and resumed his role placating which was his technique to avoid confrontation. His mother was a rageful, extremely selfish person. She never thought about anyone else’s feelings, but her own. She always had these big over-reactions to everything. She behaved as if the world owed her and everything was always all about her. She never exuded happiness or warmth. I never found her approachable or reasonable. She exuded a type anger–like just below the surface lied a simmering volcano just waiting to explode. No one liked dealing with her, but I think everyone felt an obligation. She was a miserable, unhappy human being. My husband would say that she was hard to know or get close too. I don’t think anyone felt close to her, but they tried to tolerate her the best that they could. Everyone was just too afraid of her to stand up to her or for themselves and it was not my place to do so for him or to involve myself in their toxic dynamic. I tried to keep my distance for my own self-preservation. When people are locked into such rigid roles it just doesn’t allow room for any kind of kind of happiness or growth.
There are rules in my family as well, yet when I read your writings here I tend to think more of my husband’s family just because of the very direct consequences of having to deal with them. Coping with their behaviors created urgency because of all the chaos which created a lot of intense emotions. Their destructive behaviors and influence had such an emotional impact on my husband–it was overwhelming. By contrast my family was quieter and unlike my husband’s family they were good to him and at least respectful of my choice to marry him.