Am I A Control Freak?

“If you want to control someone, all you have to do is to make them feel afraid.” 
― Paulo Coelho

Many of us who are struggling with estrangement issues are also struggling with control issues. When our lives feel unmanageable the natural tendency is to … well manage it better. When we are afraid, we work to get unafraid.

Naturally we might think that applying some good old fashioned control will help to make things more manageable. This might be true if we were talking about a widget production line, but when we are trying to control relationships and people, we may find applying control gives us considerably less success.

The need to be in control of everything and everyone can be exhausting and crazy making. In addiction treatment circles, there is a handy name for the compulsion to control relationships, it’s called co-dependency.  We now recognize that it’s possible to be codependent even if you are not in relationship with someone who is experiencing substance abuse problems.

So what is it? Codependency has many definitions, but for the purpose of this discussion I will say codependency is simply: a set of maladaptive, compulsive, learned behaviours used by people to manage emotional intensity, pain and stress.

•  Maladaptive - The coping mechanisms we use, don’t actually work: not in the relationships we learned them in, and not in the wider world. In short, we don’t get our needs met.
• Compulsive - We might find ourselves repeating patterns of behaviour that have not had a positive outcome, yet feel unable to choose new, more life enhancing strategies; doing the same things and expecting different results.
• Codependency blooms where there is fear, emotional pain and stress - some contributing factors may include becoming involved with people who have: substance abuse problems; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; chronically under perform; are abusive, physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, financially, spiritually etc. or who have experienced damaged attachment patterns in their primary family system.

When we are part of a dysfunctional family we do not (or are not permitted to) acknowledge that problems exist. Dysfunctional families don’t talk about problems or confront them. As a result, we may have learned to repress emotions and disregard our own needs. We become  ”victims” or “survivors” and we find ourselves in relationships where the rules of engagement are those which deny, ignore, or avoid problems and emotional intensity.

Maybe we detach ourselves and chronically run from confrontation or conflict. Maybe we find it difficult to talk, touch, feel or trust.  Maybe we have a tendency  to get involved and stay in toxic relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. Maybe we find ourselves trying to control or manage other people’s chronic dysfunction. Maybe we recognize that we  have a very difficult time setting and enforcing boundaries. Maybe we  find ourselves protecting others from the consequences of their behaviour, which in turn reinforces their dysfunction and our upheaval.

Ahhh what tangled webs we weave! Sadly, when we place other people’s needs, health, welfare and safety before our own, we invariably lose touch with our own needs, desires and sense of self.

No one likes to feel manipulated or controlled and most people actually don’t feel great when they are trying to control the world or other people. Contrary to what some people think, controlling is not fun and it doesn’t make the person doing it feel better. Where there is a need to control, there is often intense anxiety or fear.

Sometimes people genuinely have a compulsive need to control things and people who do not require any controlling or managing. This is one sort of problem. The other sort of problem is when people are trying to control or manage people whose behaviour is in fact, unmanageable, dysfunctional or otherwise out of control and whose problems may actually profoundly impact them!

Both types of control problems are driven by fear and anxiety and both are an issue. Both affect the person on the end of the controlling behaviour as well as those doing the controlling. Yet while they may be two different sorts of controlling problems, there is cross over in the strategies used to resolve the problem. For instance, the desire to control things, which don’t need controlling  may involve relaxing and softening boundaries, or resetting our thresholds and tolerance. Attempting to control or manage out of control people or situations may also require that we take a close look at what we are tolerating and potentially learning to better set and enforce our boundaries.

I wrote a couple of posts awhile back about enabling:  Enabling: Unhelpful Help and Sorry I Can’t Help You Any More which might help to clarify the difference between codependency and compulsive controlling. We need to have a bit of a think about who or what it is that we are trying to control and why we might be trying to manage it.

Do we have a need to control things or people who are doing quite nicely without our help? Do we have a compulsive need for order that exceeds the comfort of others and ourselves? Are we trying to control people who clearly have problems that they are not managing on their own? Are we trying to control someone or something else as a way of not only “helping” but also as a means of relieving our stress, anxiety and trying to minimize the damage other people’s behaviour has on our lives?

Are you really a control freak?  What are you afraid of?