Disconnected
“Sometimes another woman’s story becomes a mirror that shows me a self I haven’t seen before. When I listen to her tell it, her experience quickens and clarifies my own. Her questions rouse mine. Her conflicts illumine my conflicts. Her resolutions call forth my hope. Her strengths summon my strengths. All of this can happen even when our stories and our lives are very different.”
― Sue Monk Kidd
One of the really difficult things about living with family estrangement is our experiences can seem so disconnected from those of other people who aren’t estranged. Maybe you have found yourself in the awkward situation of trying to explain why it is that you don’t maintain relationships with someone(s) in your family, or why it is that you don’t want to, or they don’t want to, or maybe that you don’t know what they want, or sometimes even what you want.
This feeling of disconnection can be amplified when other people, some very well intentioned, are full of advice about what you should do, should feel, should think – even though they may have no idea about the complexity of your family circumstances or any experience with estrangement themselves. Whilst I don’t believe direct experience is the only way someone can understand or appreciate an issue, I do think it can be helpful. I also believe if we have no idea about another person’s experience we should tread very carefully before telling them what they should think, feel or do.
Many of us have searched long and hard to find validation for our experience of family estrangement. This is a worthy yet difficult quest because information about family estrangement is very limited and there are very few communities that support people who are estranged. These numbers shrink even more for those who have chosen their estrangements and who have no intention of reconciling with their absent family member(s).
We need validation.
Not only positive validation, and reassurance – but also validation that we bring our humanness to estrangement. This is to say, we make mistakes, we have regrets, we aren’t always the people we wished we could be. Sometimes we are to blame. Sometimes we need a kick in the insight pants.
We benefit from the stories of others who are experiencing estrangement. The good stories, the content and happy stories, the better off on my own stories.
We also benefit from hearing the stories where other people fall down, make mistakes, feel bad, or sad, and maybe wish that things were different. We need all the stories, because our story is all of those stories.
When we are deep in our grief, we are encouraged by the stories of those who grieved and came out the other-side.
When we are smug that we are blameless and find ourselves caught up in blaming and shaming others, the stories of others who have been hurt and shamed can lead us back to self-reflection.
When we are so angry that we feel we will never experience peace again, we are inspired by the stories of those who have overcome anger and found that peace.
When we are damaged, broken and hurt beyond reckoning, we are given hope by the stories of those who healed and who have built happy, fulfilling lives for themselves.
Sometimes we get upset or angry when our experiences are challenged. Sometimes we are unable to see that questions or gentle prodding to consider other possibilities is not, in fact, invalidating – but is rather an opportunity to experience our fallibility and an invitation to consider ourselves human.
How validating is that?!
I’ve always felt like the villan in my family because I swore at my cousin. It was right after she was mocking me for not sleeping around and i wanted to know who said some pretty bad things about me but she wouldnt say. And it was at her grandmothers funeral. No one remembers how much I helped her grandmother during her dying days. The fact that I swore at a 16 year old negates everything.
No one cares about what was said to me. Sometimes I feel like my own feelings don’t matter. However I know they do and I know then I’m spending too much time around my family.
I hear you. I swore at my mother in law despite the fact that she allowed my 6 month old to be taken in the car w/o a carseat by her daughter and I am the bad guy. Sounds like the cousin can’t take any responsibility for herself.
it hurst when nobody will acknowledge how this has all impacted you. I get it.
personally, i think funerals should be off limits in terms of bringing up the family issues, however it seems as though your cousin thought it was fair game.
sorry.
The funny thing was I was just trying to have a conversation with her. She was the only one I knew at the funeral. How’s school? I hate f-bomb school! How’s horseback riding? I hate f-ing horseback riding. Even asking basic conversational questions. I was told this was inappropriate. The funny thing is my parents took the cousin’s side. My dad took the side of saying it was okay to mock me for being a prude. He also mocked me in front of people for dating an jerk who turned out to be maried. And now that I tell him it is really uncomfortable for me to converse with him, I’m scared to introduce people to him, I creeped out by the thought of dancing with him at my wedding, he acts as if this is all news to him.
I just cant have a deep relationship with a man who has mocked me for both having sex and not having sex. Something isn’t right about it. It just isn’t healthy.
“This feeling of disconnection can be amplified when other people, some very well intentioned, are full of advice about what you should do, should feel, should think – even though they may have no idea about the complexity of your family circumstances or any experience with estrangement themselves. Whilst I don’t believe direct experience is the only way someone can understand or appreciate an issue, I do think it can be helpful. I also believe if we have no idea about another person’s experience we should tread very carefully before telling them what they should think, feel or do.”
Hmmmmm. You have delineated the danger of offering comments to others hwo have been hurt. I prefer to only offer comments to anyone if they ask, and alternately, I focus on offering encouragement, cherishment and understanding. You are good at stickhandling Fiona, a necessary skill in what you do, and I know you are careful but even at that, walking the minefield on the landscape of the human psyche, one can set off an explosion for even a carefully worded response can trigger further hurt and anguish. I do not at all htink what you do is easy.
Learning is a voyage, not a harbor for me and I would that were true for all.
Always Edward
Edward,
“I prefer to only offer comments to anyone if they ask, and alternately, I focus on offering encouragement, cherishment and understanding.”
I do this too–offer comments only if they ask, and I also focus on offering encouragement and understanding or what I would call an empathetic response. I give the exact opposite of the ugly, mistreatment that I routinely received.
I see a world of difference between the type of response you refer to above as opposed to offering advice and especially if one is not seeking advice. I see advice as not only coming from a place of arrogance, but also controlling and manipulative–it sends a message that someone is out to “fix” me and this is definitely a relationship deal breaker to me.
One of my older sisters was quite good at offering unsolicited advice and she was pretty mean-spirited in her method of delivery. I recall her inflicting her advice giving when what I was seeking was empathy, caring and connection. When I called her on it and told her that I wasn’t seeking her advice, her response was to become angry and then she blurted, “Well, you are just too proud to take it.” This is the same sister who routinely dismissed my feelings as “too sensitive” and then that morphed into how she experienced my feelings as “nebulous”, but at least she used an ‘I feel language’ to deliver that unfeeling, insensitive, offensive comment. It should not be any surprise why we are ESTRANGED given that type of communication.
This same sister tries to make me out as an selfish, ingrate and she’s the poor beleaguered victim of my insensitivity to her. I mean after all, her advice and fixing is only her trying to help me. Never mind, that what I sought was emotional support and understanding, not the desire to be fixed by her or her stupid, non-helpful, self-serving advice.
“This feeling of disconnection can be amplified when other people, some very well intentioned, are full of advice about what you should do, should feel, should think – even though they may have no idea about the complexity of your family circumstances or any experience with estrangement themselves.”
This is one of the reasons why I went silent on the issue and I only discuss it here. I’ve always sought caring and connection and validation–what I feel I give to others, but what I get back is ADVICE. I don’t view it as being well-intentioned when someone tells me how I should feel and think. The fact is I’ve received a lot of UNSOLICITED horrible advice. Ditto for stupid cliches and it has only further amplified the feeling of isolation and aloneness, not to mention that most of it comes off as arrogant, heartless and cruel.
“I also believe if we have no idea about another person’s experience we should tread very carefully before telling them what they should think, feel or do.”
The angry part of me would respond cynically and say that in my experience, mindless dolts never do this and if any of these fools actually think they do, well they need a strong, swift kick in the seat of their reality pants. The other side of me–the one who measures her words more carefully would say that I agree and that is how I try to respond towards others with compassion and empathy, despite that I’ve felt like the lone ranger and unappreciated. Most often I’ve felt that others don’t tread carefully, but stomp all over people with their big elephant feet.
I’ve always been reluctant to offer advice, even when someone is seeking it–relationships are fraught with complexity. I find being placed in that position burdensome. This happened recently during last year when I found myself in the uncomfortable position of feeling like I was a therapist to a friend whose marriage was deteriorating. I was uncomfortable offering my opinions. My gut reaction is just to offer comfort and reassurance and I also suggested many times to seek counseling. He tried to reassure me that he wouldn’t get mad (but that is so not my experience of other people) and that he trusted my truthful opinions and insight. He reiterated time again that he wanted them and honesty. Yet, I was reluctant as I’m not a therapist and the situation felt so over-my-head. I sometimes think these reactions stem from having been on the receiving end of so much thoughtless advice. I also didn’t want to hurt him. I encouraged him to seek out others, which he did and they were much stronger in their reactions to his situation. I have so often wished that other people would demonstrate this type of respect and consideration for my feelings.
“Many of us have searched long and hard to find validation for our experience of family estrangement. This is a worthy yet difficult quest because information about family estrangement is very limited and there are very few communities that support people who are estranged. These numbers shrink even more for those who have chosen their estrangements and who have no intention of reconciling with their absent family member(s).”
This is very true for my situation. The fact that most estrangement sites and information focus on reconciliation can be very alienating for some people, especially if you are then treated as if you are the problem. It wouldn’t be a healthy choice for some people and they should not be treated as if there is something wrong with them, if this isn’t the goal or a possibility.
In my experience, validation has been sadly missing and I come here for that. I haven’t found it elsewhere. I find it not only in your writings, but in the comments left by others on this site, experiencing the same issues and problems. When Michelle writes that she’s “always felt like the villain” or that she has been “mocked” and that “no one remembers how much I’ve helped…” and “Sometimes I feel like my own feelings don’t matter,” I could be saying the same things about different situations with my family and in-laws as well.
“Sometimes we are unable to see that questions or gentle prodding to consider other possibilities is not, in fact, invalidating – but is rather an opportunity to experience our fallibility and an invitation to consider ourselves human.”
I like what you say here about gentle prodding, which a good therapist is trained to do, but I find this tactful, sensitive and necessary skill completely missing in most people. If someone is feeling damaged, broken and hurt beyond reckoning, the last thing they need is to feel challenged by someone who may not understand the complexity of your situation–it only creates more damage and more emotional pain. The fact is, I’ve met a ton of know-it-alls, who for whatever reason feel compelled to offer NON-HELP in the form of unsolicited advice about my situation. What people like that offer is NO HOPE, through lack of understanding. They just add to the emotional pain one feels.