The Strangeness of Silence
“Taken out of context, I must seem so strange”
― Ani DiFranco
I’ve been writing a bit about silence as a form of communication; communication which is intrinsically fraught, and more often than not leads to the erosion of relationship. I thought I would explore a little more fully why that might be.
Communication is never as straight forward as we think it is. We say something and we think we have been perfectly clear and that there is no chance of misunderstanding as a result.
Yet, research demonstrates that there are many places for communication to run amok. A misspoken word, a certain perceived tone of voice, an example which doesn’t resonate or fit for another person, language barriers, differences in communication and interpretation based on culture, age, body language etc.
The actual process of communication relies not on one off exactitude, but rather on an ongoing exchange and continual refinement that relies on two people willingly engaging in the process.
While we are busy tuning into the literal or explicit message being conveyed, we are also busy trying to find context and create meaning. When we are tracking communication we are looking for both spoken and unspoken messages, filling in the sub-context of communication as we go. This is a slippery slope since most of this is guess work until and unless we articulate and reality check our perceptions. This is further compounded because often we are doing this whole making of meaning at a subconscious level and it can be very difficult to articulate what we are picking up.
For example; a husband says, “Do you mind if I go out with the guys after work?” His wife responds, “Fine, I guess.” The husband not only looks at the literal message his wife has given, but also looks for other cues about how she might be feeling. He may tune into her tone of voice, or look to see if she is frowning, or turns away. Based on the unspoken sub-context, he may seek further clarification. “It doesn’t look like you are really fine with that?”
However, if he is determined to have his evening out with the guys, he may choose to ignore the sub-context and only tune into the literal message his wife gives. When this sort of exchange happens, the other person often feels betrayed or wounded because they sense the other person is neglecting to observe the unspoken “agreement” to attend to both the literal words said and the sub-context of the exchange.
It is the ability to pick up and respond to sub-context cues that provides the oil or lubrication for social interaction and creates a buffer where understanding can occur. We instinctively make adjustments to our communication based on subtle or not so subtle cues that we are picking up from the other person and we adjust our communication accordingly. These could be things like facial expressions, body language, a change in tone etc. The more available information we have, the more likely it is that we will refine our communication process to be heard and understood and to allow the other person to feel the same.
The potential for miscommunication is amplified by distance. For instance, phone communication is limited through lack of visual cues. Limitation is again amplified when we speak through text whether a letter, email, instant message, text message or the like in absence of both visual and auditory cues. It doesn’t mean we aren’t still shifting between the literal or concrete and the sub-context of what is being said, it just means it is more difficult to guess, and to subsequently refine what we say to better facilitate understanding and meaning.
When we think of what is going on with silent communication, we are completely missing the literal content of the communication, and are forced to create context and meaning from a very narrow range of sub-context. Lack of content doesn’t mean that we stop attempting to make meaning, it just means we have a whole lot less to go on. The likelihood that a person will correctly identify the sub-context of silence, let alone the literal meaning of it, is extremely remote. If we are using silence to communicate something, we are eliminating the majority of tools from our communication tool box.
If we are opting for silence to communicate that we are hurt, it is quite possible that the other person will interpret the message differently. Instead of seeing hurt, they may see stubborn refusal to engage, anger, power and control. We may be hoping that our silence leads to engagement, apology, a desire to seek us out and resolve the hurt. The other person may instead feel that they are being manipulated and controlled by our anger. The end result of that interpretation is that they will be unlikely to move closer to take care of our hurt.
We will then go on to make meaning of their behaviour. Perhaps we tell ourselves that the other person clearly doesn’t care that we are hurt. After-all, if they did, they would seek to comfort us, right?
This is where we need to be so careful with the way we use silence. We need to understand that when we decide to go silent, communication goes underground. All the cues go missing and all that is left is guessing. Things we say and do lose context, making meaning becomes a crap shoot, and as the quote above so eloquently says, in absence of context, we all seem strange.
You are so right Fiona. As I have said before, there have been occasions when I have thought it might be better never to chat away to people ever again. There was the time when someone I worked with had a piece of mis-information and I did not know this. When I mentioned something in my life he drew a wrong conclusion but I did not know. After a couple of years I referred to something and he said “That’s right Pam, you tried to kill your baby, didnt you?” That is when I discovered he thought that was what post-natal depression meant!
For me it was appalling that he had thought that for a couple of years.
But, as you say, silence is also fraught.
My BA is in linguistics and that covers non-spoken communication as well as spoken. Fascinating.
Misunderstanding and misinterpretation is the basis of humour too. The Two Ronnies did an excellent job of misunderstanding.
Hi Pamela,
Thanks so much for sharing a very good example of misunderstanding held across time. Communication is possibly one of the relationship areas where we can all stand to learn more and develop skill. Your degree in linguistics must have been very interesting and provided a wonderful opportunity to think deeply about language and communication! It’s also good to remember that sometimes miscommunication is not a death knell for a relationship, but can also be a source of humour.
Take care,
Fiona
The masterpiece of communication screams the truth that often the biggest problems arise because of MISCOMMUNICATION and as Pamela illustrated, a MISTAKE BY SOMEONE while communication is attempted, is perhaps a big factor in issues, fractured relationships, and problems in our existence. It is IRRITATING AND FRUSTRATING when another/others do not GET IT.
As an aside, a gal I am very close to became close for many reasons…she was and is a special woman endowed with traits in not only quantity but quality, and is extremely intelligent, focused, sensitive, feminine, and do much more BUT a BIG factor in our friendship is our being able to communicate clearly and completely to the point we can discern beforehand how the other feels, almost like ESP.
Communication, was a big problem leading to my marriage failure and it also is a common problem in many relationship failures.
The reason why my close friend of the fairer gender and I love to interact and share life’s quirks and problems, is that we so completely understand each the other making for a tight and secure bond. That security is added to by our easy interaction the few times I can visit her, as we both cultivate a “no strings attached” man/woman relationship that allows us to be openly and honestly ourselves with NO need to be phony or pretend people as we both accept the other with unconditional love of a platonic but deep typeset.
She was so insecure and I sensed that at the start prompting me to voluntarily forward her an RCMP fingerpront check and an OPP background criminal record verification I was clean/clear/no record status. This put her at complete ease and showed I was empathetic and devoted to her safety and security as it was an internet meeting on a BB. Her insecurity had to do with abuses others had perpetrated on her. IDIOTS!!!
We have moved closer and closer, but have set boundaries we both observe for the security, and peace of mind of the other.
I am sure she wil agree COMMUNICATION was a BIG and is a continuing HUGE factor in our closeness.
Always Edward
Hi Edward,
The last line in your comment is the zinger …. communication is a BIG factor in having close and connected relationships. Without it, it is very difficult if not impossible to grow and nurture closeness.
Thanks for your sharing,
Fiona
“If we are opting for silence to communicate that we are hurt, it is quite possible that the other person will interpret the message differently. Instead of seeing hurt, they may see stubborn refusal to engage, anger, power and control. We may be hoping that our silence leads to engagement, apology, a desire to seek us out and resolve the hurt. The other person may instead feel that they are being manipulated and controlled by our anger. ”
this is something I often reflect upon, in my “silent disengagement” from my parents… they indeed see my silence as a way to punish and manipulate them, but my meaning (and I told them so, in clear terms, by written and spoken words) is that there between us there is arguing and discussing, but not communication; they just want to contact me to talk over and over my reasons, in the hope of leading me to accept that thier reasons are better than mine.
so yes, I know that they see my silence as a punishment, but I have to say, they choose to see it this way, as I made clear that I will keep silent until they are willing to consider my position. there’s no point to keep talking, and arguing, and trying to fix things when all they want to do is to “set me straight” without aknowledging that I might have a point… it’s pointless, and it drains all energy and happiness out of me.
Hi Silvia,
You bring us to the crux of the matter. After we have done our level best to communicate and retain connection, we have done 100% of our 50%. The relationship is entirely dependant at that point on what the other person chooses to communicate and do.
Communication is not an invitation to endlessly bang our heads on closed doors. At some point we have to assess where our efforts are taking us. If we find ourselves where to continue to communicate ” drains the energy and happiness right out of us” … we have all the information/feedback we require to know that we need to do something different.
It sounds like even in taking some distance, you have been open and direct about your intentions. As the saying goes, ” I can explain it to you, I cannot understand it for you.”
Take care,
Fiona
thanks Fiona! as you said:
“Communication is not an invitation to endlessly bang our heads on closed doors.”
yes, this is the exact feeling I get every time I speak to my mother! and I am truly sorry but I can’t do this anymore. the biggest problem is the feeling of guilt that comes out everytime they try to contact me and I meet them with silence: I know the reasons behind my silence, still I can’t help but feel uncomfortable when I don’t return their calls….
I have been clear in my intention to take some distance until they are willing to discuss (and in that, I mean really discuss every option out of a problem) some issues between us, but they just refuse to accept that there could be something to discuss: they just think they are right and that somehow I must eventually come to agree with them. and the point is not all about the resolve of these issues, but about that once again, they behave in a way that hurts me, minimizing my needs and opinion like they were pointless. I really can’t go on interacting with them if that’s the way they intend to interact with me…
I don’t feel as if my in-laws ever understood me during face to face conversation (as evident by my MIL wanting to hammer in her point rather than seeing that I was bawling and visibly upset and toning it down some), so how could I expect them to understand me via the written word?
The last real conversation I had with her, if you could call it that, her final words were “She doesn’t want me here anymore, so we should get going.” She interpreted my silent tears as rejection, and before that, as defiance. She did not once acknowledge that I was crying because I was HURTING. She offered me no comfort, but a trite apology, “Well, I’m sorry that what I said might have hurt you.” (referring to her written words on Facebook). She didn’t make any apology for upsetting me on that day, or for upsetting my CHILDREN, or acknowledge that she understood how I could think her words were hurtful.
So, it doesn’t surprise me that the first we heard from her after that event came via her daughter who wrote my daughter and said “We thought you were mad at us because of what happened.”
I guess, I’m more surprised that I did not see things as they are before. She feels no remorse for HURTING me, she feels remorse that things aren’t the way they were before, that things aren’t what she wanted them to be, and if I’m hurt, well, that’s MY problem, not hers. After all, in her words, it’s my fault that I took her words to heart. She had written, regarding that Christmas, “All who were important were there.” That implies that all who were not there were not important to her. But it’s my fault that I misinterpreted those words and took them personally,
I’m done. I don’t know what else to say. I will heal, but this relationship, I’m afraid, cannot unless something changes. We can’t keep going on the way we did and are. If nothing changes, then I have to look after me and my kids and my feelings, and of course, my husband.
I can’t let any of us keep getting hurt over and over and over again. It’s ridiculous.
Hi Sue,
Like Silvia above, you also are at a point of evaluating the effectiveness of continuing to engage. We can bring everything we have to the table and if the other person/people are unable or unwilling to join us, our options become seriously constrained.
At that point we have three options 1 – learn to accept the status quo and find other ways of getting your own needs met – perhaps maintaining the relationship but moving that person outward in your ” circle of trust” .
2- Continuing to work to create positive change, despite the fact that there is little reward for your efforts 3- Remove yourself from the relationship.
Seeing your family and yourself hurt over and again is a preposterous situation. It’s great that you are able to see that.
As always, I wish you every success in the choices you are making toward your health and healing.
Fiona
Thank you, Fiona. Thank you so much!
Sue gal said. ” I have to look after me and my kids and my feelings, and of course, my husband.
I can’t let any of us keep getting hurt over and over and over again. It’s ridiculous.”
YA GOT IT RIGHT!!! Luv ya!
Always Edward
Dear Fiona,
If you have not already considered this, I think you should think about writing a book about silence. It is, as you note, such an important aspect of communication that is so often ignored. Your last post was so thoughtful, articulate and insightful that it has stayed with me all day. You are so right that in the absence of sub-context, our need to make meaning creates so many incorrect assumptions and interpretations that they can end up dooming a relationship that could be saved if the parties were simply willing and able to talk with each other directly.
I have seen this happen over the past two years in my relationship with both my sister and my mother, where a torrent of emotionally-charged emails were so totally misconstrued on both sides that they are no longer willing to communicate at all with me. I told them that I thought emails were doing far more to distance us than to help us understand each other, but neither was willing to stop the emails, to talk on the phone, in person, or with a neutral third party mediator present.
I have offered everything I could think of to try to repair these relationships, but I am left with silence and a few random emails or notes from my mother whose meaning I desperately try to decipher. For example, out of the blue, after no communication from her at all for almost a year, in October my mother sent me a rather bland birthday card (the type you might give your dentist) and a check for $50.00. It happened to be a milestone birthday for me – I turned 60 – so it was very strange that she did not even mention that. What does this mean? Did she forget it was my 60th birthday??? Is she getting senile? My Buddhist therapist encouraged me to take her gift literally as how she is able to express her love for me at this point, and NOT to attach other meaning to it.
I sent her a thank you note. Silence. I sent her a calendar of my paintings for her birthday in December along with a card of one of my paintings. More silence. What does it mean??? Did my gift to her offend her so much that she would not send any kind of acknowledgment? WHY??? (I have given these calendars to many friends who simply loved them, and every one acknowledged the gift.) I did not send her the calendar because I was seeking a response, but the lack of response speaks volumes, or at least raises troubling questions. Is she so ill that she cannot write to me? Is she DEAD??? Silence….and the need to make some kind of meaning out of it.
At some point, I must let go of tormenting myself with trying to make meaning in the silence, in the absence of context. I must accept that I just do not know and likely will never know….and that my 84 year old mother may well die without us ever having spoken again. And I will not know why. I am working on accepting that, on practicing equanimity in the face of what I cannot control or understand.
Please write a book. We who have been estranged need it!
Susanne
Hi Susanne,
Thanks so much for your kind words regarding my writing, it gives me immense satisfaction to know that people are reading and benefiting. You can trust that there will be plenty more writing!
Yes definitely to our tendency to make assumptions and interpretations when faced with a wall of silence. This is in our communication genes as it were. It can be very liberating to know that no matter how we try to make sense of silence, it is a begger’s quest. We’ll never know for sure if we got it right, and we’ll always be hungry for more concrete information. Sometimes we have to go seek our meal and a more hospitable table!
Your comment that in absence of a response from your mother you are left asking unanswerable questions, including the heartbreaking one, ” is she dead? ” It’s so amazing how much grief and suffering arises from the steadfast refusal to engage.
I am a big believer, and proof walking, that we can find acceptance, equanimity, our own health, well being and healing, in spite of toxic silence. We can do it, and committing ourselves to doing it is the first step.
Best wishes in your journey to that place.
Fiona
I am going through estrangement from my sister. She is putting most of the blame on me for what happened
between us. She is Divorced now, but I was helping her with her household chores from Oct.1999 through
Dec. 2007. I came to her house twice a week to help her. I was asked to help her and her husband in Oct. 1999
with the household chores because her daughter was in a bad car accident that happened in August 1999. She has a closed head injury, as a result of the accident. When they asked me if I could help with the household chores, I didn’t make the decision right away, but waited about 2 weeks to decide if I really would be able to help them. After the 2 weeks passed I made the decision to help them. My sister asked me to help her, because she had to take her daughter out every day for exercise, like walking in the stores, riding bikes, swimming, and
other errands. My sister’s husband is also retired, like my sister is because she had to retire because of her
her daughter’s accident. My sister became her daughter’s conservator, because her daughter was 25, going on 26 at the time of the accident. Being that my sister’s husband was retired, we were alone in the house together,
while I did the household chores. In the evening after I got done helping them, my sister, her daughter, and me
would go play Bingo. I went with them for awhile, but decided that I didn’t want to go to Bingo anymore because there is too much competition to win, and when you do win, you sometimes end up not winning too much because you have to divide the winnings up with several other winning players. So then, Mary’s husband asked if I would like to go the Casino with him. I asked my sister’s permission , if it was ok with her. She replied with
“Sure, go ahead. I don’t mind.” I wanted to make sure she was sure so I asked her,” Are you sure?” Again she replied that,”Yes, she is sure, and I trust you.” So I took her word for it, and thought that she must trust me, if she said she did. After we had gone to the Casino a few times, her husband got this idea to “Kiss for Good Luck” I again asked my sister if it was alright to “Kiss for Good Luck” at the Casino. Again she gave me permission to, and said it was ok with her. All the years that I was helping her, I thought she trusted me, and I didn’t have to worry that she would be suspicious or assuming things.
In July, 2008, my sister came home from her second home in Florida, without her husband, Just her and her
daughter came home to their home in Michigan. When I first saw her, I asked her why her husband didn’t come home with her. I found out that her husband had back surgery while she was in Florida, and a cousin that lived in Florida was being his nurse caretaker. The cousin’s daughter is a Doctor, and lives in Texas, so he went to
Texas for his back surgery to be operated on by the cousin’s daughter’s associate Doctor. When my sister, her husband, their daughter, and the cousin from Florida went to Texas, they all stayed at the cousin’s daughter’s house. My sister’s daughter, who had a closed head injury, told my sister that she walked in on her Dad and cousin having an affair. The daughter quickly told my sister, and my sister and her daughter packed up, and headed back to Florida without confronting her husband about the affair. When my sister came back home to Michigan in July 2008, I asked her where her husband was. She told me that he wanted to stay in Florida because he wanted to stay there so his doctor that did the surgery could treat him.
Around 1:00 A.M the next morning, after my sister’s visit, her husband called me, and asked me if I knew that
my sister was filing for Divorce. He told me that she had already closed his financial online investment account. I told him that my sister had visited the day before, and didn’t mention anything about a Divorce. Weather he believed me or not, I don’t know. He just asked me if I’m sure that I don’t know, and I said yes, I’m sure I didn’t know. I told him that my sister didn’t tell me anything about a Divorce. When my sister would talk to me on the phone, she was talking about the Divorce, and I told her things that her husband felt about her that he told me about. I thought I was helping her by telling her things that he felt, to try to give her some understanding about why her husband would betray her. She got mad, and said that she didn’t want me to mention her husband again or not contact him in any way, or she would never talk to me again. I agreed to
try not to mention her husband, and I would not have any contact with him. There were times that I would remember something that her husband said or did while I was helping her. I couldn’t remember every thing at once, but I just remembered different things, as they came to mind. My sister thought because I was telling her those things that I remembered, that I had been talking to her husband. I told her that the only time, I talked to him was when he called and asked me if I knew about the Divorce. I told her I said that if I say I won’t talk to her husband, I won’t talk to him.what I said. Another time, my sister was by her sister-in-laws place, and my sister called me, and said that her husband called her, and said that I told him that she was starting Divorce Proceedings. I explained to her the truth that I hadn’t talked to her husband,since he called that one time. I again reminded her if she told me not to contact him, then I won’t contact him.
In about October of 2008, one of my sister’s sister-in-law, called me to harass me. She asked how does it
feel that my brother-in-law dumped me for his cousin? I asked her what she was talking about. She said that
my brother-in-law and I were like boyfriend-girlfriend. I explained to her that we had more of a brother-sister relationship, but of course she didn’t believe me. Then she went on to harass me with assumptions suspicions and lies. She even harassed my husband about having an affair with my sister. My husband was not alone with my sister at any time. He used to leave me off when I was helping my sister, and he would visit for awhile, then go home. Later on the other sister-in-law was harassing me with false accusations. When she was harassing me, my sister was standing right next to me, and didn’t stand up for me. I had to stand up for myself, and my sister told me to shut up. My sister was also making false accusations herself, and also she was repeating to me the false accusations that her in-laws were saying. My sister is also putting the blame on me because of the things that I did that she gave me permission to do. She tells me know that even though she permitted those things, that I should have know better not to do them. It’s like she expected me to read her mind. I told her that I wasn’t aware at the time, that her yeses meant no. I told her that she should mean what she says, and say what she means. I told her because of her leading me on to believe that she trusted me, when she was lying to me for 8 years, that causes me to distrust her on her word. Right now, I don’t have any contact with her, because she does not want to discuss our problems, and just wants me to forget that it ever happened. She wants me to just forgive her, but she doesn’t mention anything about forgiving me for not reading her mind. Our only contact is writing letters back and forth because that is the only way that my sister will reason with me. I told her several times that I would never do anything to hurt her, or my husband. She was even implying that her husband and I were having an affair when I would help with the household chores, and also having an affair staying out late at night gambling. The reason that she was suspicious of an affair in her house, was that, as soon as I would come over to work, her husband would send her and her daughter out to do their daily activities. The real reason for her husband doing that was because he wanted my sister and her daughter to get an early start to their day, so her daughter could get in as much exercise ,as she could for that day. The real reason why we stayed out late gambling was that we wanted to see how much more money we could win, over the amount of money that we gambled with. Sometimes that took a shorter time to accomplish, and sometimes it took a longer time to accomplish. When we were satisfied with our winnings, then we went home. I think my sister is going to think forever that I had a part in her Marriage Failure. I am so hurt that she thinks that, and have been having trouble emotionally, since all this started in July of 2008. My sister suggests that we go to a Counselor, but I told her that she has to realize that she has be open with her true feelings with a Counselor, or he won’t be able to help us with our problems. Otherwise , If she doesn’t want to have any open conversation,I think that it is a waste of time and money to go to one. Since this situation has happened, my sister refused to discuss our problems with me, and just wants me to forget everything happened. I feel that we should have an open and honest discussion about our true feelings, or we will never have a healthy relationship again. I think if these problems are not discussed openly, then we will always have resentments toward each other. I feel that what my sister and her in-laws were trying to do with all the emotional and verbal abuse was to try to destroy my life, my family, my other relationships, my marriage, and our sister relationship. I have told me sister all the damage she and her in-laws did, and she has no compassion or empathy for what her and her in-laws were doing and saying. Because she is not admitting that she was wrong in any of this, I feel that this all might have been intentionally done to hurt me, and my family. I don’t know if any of this can be resolved because of my sister’s unwillingness to talk this out…if she is unwilling to talk this out and decides not to go to a Counselor because of an open conversation with him, then we will just have to stay estranged from each other. That’s my opinion anyway. Any comments on this situation are welcome.
would go to play Bingo. I wo .
Wow Virginia
Need a professional for this…wait here….FIONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh FIONA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Always Edward
(Gee it is great having Fiona here, I just love that gal)
FIONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Where are ya precious???????
Feast your pretty eyes on this. help help help
hmmmmmmmmmm
Ahhh time zones.
Hi Virginia,
Thanks so much for your willingness to share your story and experience in such a detailed way. I can certainly understand your hurt, confusion and anger – there is so much water that has travelled underneath your relationship bridge with your sister, it must feel overwhelming.
Much will depend on your willingness to re-engage with your sister. Some people eventually come to a place where they are able to move forward without revisiting the past. Some people are unable or unwilling to do so. A big factor in that choice is whether the negative behaviours can be left in the past, and replaced by new, healthier behaviours. If re-engaging means nothing more than a continuation of the hurt, then of course, that will not seem appealing!
Whether your sister decides to take advantage of some counselling, it may still be a gift you choose to give yourself. At the end of the day, your main priority must be on your own health and healing.
I wish you every success as you continue on your journey toward healing and a healthy happy life. We all deserve this, and so do you.
Take care,
Fiona
Reply
Hi Fiona,
Thanks so much for replying right away. I hope that you read my first message too, so you can thoroughly understand this situation with my sister. I know this may be so overwhelming to others, as it is for me. I know that I have to look for my own happiness, and well being and can’t depend on others to provide my happiness. I am happy in other areas of my life now. I have a new first 5 month old granddaughter, and she has made a positive difference in my life. My sister may be jealous because of my happy life, and she may be taking her miserable life out on me. I know that my sister cannot possibly have a happy life because of her failed Marriage, medical problems, her daughter will always be dependent on her because of closed head injury. Because of her daughter’s closed head injury from the car accident, her daughter will never work again will never be able to drive a vehicle again, and will never be able to get married. Her daughter was 25, going on 26 when the terrible accident happened, and she is 38 years old now. Her condition allows her to be manipulated into doing things that other people say to do, even if those things are wrong for her to do. I heard from my sister’s ex-husband he didn’t have an affair with his cousin, regardless of what is daughter told my sister. He says that they were using his daughter as a pawn because of her mental condition. He said that all my sister wanted was to get more of his money that he was saving for their retirement. My sister likes to spend money too much for things that she doesn’t need at all. So her husband says that all the assumptions,suspicions, and lies were because my sister wanted to get more money out of him. She even hired her in-laws to help her with that accomplishment, and they are not Professionals, they are just regular people. I don’t know who is really telling the truth about what really happened between my sister and her husband, but one thing I do know is that both of them tell lies sometimes, so it is hard for me to believe either one of them. I can only stay neutral in this, and I’m not going to pick sides because I don;t know who is really telling the truth. Both my sister and brother-in law lie, and so does his original family.
I discussed this situation with my only Aunt on my Mom’s side. She is 86 years old, and she has gone through many problems within her family and friends. She told me that if she can’t get along with someone because of their negative behavior, then she will either have little or no contact with them. Her decision is based on how badly they hurt her, and if they will or will not change. If they will no make any effort to change themselves, then she will not have any further contact with them. She advised me that it sounds like my sister is only trying to bring me down to her level or misery, so I can be miserable along with her. My Aunt said that to not let my sister bring me down to her level, because that is exactly what my sister wants. I have heard and read that most people that act negatively with other people because their looking for a reaction from their victim. If the victim reacts with anger, hurt ,crying or confrontation, that is exactly what they want. I read too that the more you defend yourself about something that you didn’t do, then the more you look guilty that you did the wrongdoing that they are assuming that you did. Weather this is really true how people think, I don’t know, but that is what I read or heard from other people.
I’m sorry that this is such a long post, Fiona, but it may have more details for you to help figure out this terrible situation. For now, I do not have any contact with my sister because she will not reason with me, and just wants to forget this situation like it never happened. Our closeness had been jeopardized because of the trust being shattered with both of us. Whenever I talked to her on the phone, or seen her in person, since all of these problems happened since July 2008, she still wants to continue putting most of the blame on her. The only way that I can contact her with arguing, is through postal letters, or email. I cannot tolerate being around her, or her talking about her in-laws. She is very close in relationship to her in-laws and her Mother-in-law passed away in August. She had a very close relationship with her Mother-In-law. My sister’s husband told me that his sisters were trying to destroy my sister’s and my relationship since my sister and her husband got married in December of 1972. He told me that his Mom told him that his sister’s were jealous of my sister’s and my close relationship. The 2 sister’s don’t have a close relationship with each other, and they were jealous about our relationship. He said that his Mom even laughed about how her daughter’s were acting. So when she laughed about it, then my brother-in -law asked her how she would like it if someone tried to destroy her daughter’s relationship with each other. After my brother-in-law said that to his Mom, then his Mom clamped up, and didn’t say another word about it.
I hope you can help me with this. I talked to many people about this situation, online and offline, but so far no one could come to a solution that I feel comfortable with. I know that I am the one that has to make a
decision, and be happy with whatever decision I make. If my sister was more understanding, and was more open to her true feelings this would be so much easier for me. I know that I may never be able to change her mindset, but I can only change myself. One of my brothers said that my sister may not realize that I am entitled to my own opinions, and she cannot treat me anyway she wants, without me standing up to her.
Our childhood days are over, when she could mistreat me with no serious consequences of doing so.
She has to accept that I am changed now, on the way I handle mistreatment from others, even if it is a family member that mistreats me. I will not let anyone, even family mistreat me, without me standing up for myself. My sister will just have to get used of me standing up for myself. She is probably having a hard time accepting me for who I am now, because she can no longer control me anymore. Maybe she doesn’t like that fact at all. I like the Doctor Seuss saying to be who you are, and say what you feel, because those that matter don’t mind, and those that do mind, don’t matter. So I know that I shouldn’t care about what other people’s reactions to me expressing my feelings are, because if they mind what I say, it doesn’t matter to me what they think, because I am being who I am. Nobody can change you, unless you let them. They say that people will treat you, the way that you let them treat you. If you let them treat you badly without any confrontation on your part, then they will continue to treat you badly because they know that they can get away with it. My sister’s in-laws show her that they are nice to her to her face, but they do talk about her behind her back, and repeat to my sister the hurtful things that my sister’s husband said about her through the Divorce Proceedings. They are rich and very selfish people, and can manipulate my sister without her even realizing it. I told my sister some of the things that they were saying about her, but she doesn’t want to believe me, because she says that they are nice to her. I feel that my sister is not going to realize her in-laws deceit until something drastic happens, and it’s too late.
I hope that you can help me with this, Fiona. Thanks.
Virginia
continuing negative behavior, then she either has little or no further contact with them. Her decision to have little or no contact depends on how badly she was hurt by them.
years old
To Fiona: I wish you could help me with suggestions about this difficult situation. I just don’t know what to do, if my sister is unwilling to discuss our problems. To me there must be a reason for her not wanting to discuss this
serious situation. I feel if she was just truthful to me in the first place about her innermost feelings, that none of this would have happened because then I would have stopped helping her and stopped going gambling with her husband if I would have found out from her that she did not approve of it. If she would have just told me from the beginning that she really didn’t approve of things that I was doing, that she gave me permission to do. I didn’t do anything without asking her for her permission first before I did it. I always had complete trust in my sister, that she would always say what she means and means what she says. I never thought she would ever betray me like this. By the way, she is about 26 months older, than I am. I also have 4 brothers that I get along great with. My brothers views on this are all different. A couple of them think that I should try to resolve the issue, by talking to her, and the other 2 think that I should not make any effort to keep in contact with her. None of my brother realize just how stubborn my sister is because they have not grown up with her. We were all taken away from our parents and put in Foster Homes. I was only 2 years old at the time. My sister and I were fortunate to always live together in the Foster Homes. We always seemed to have a close relationship, as children, but now I’m thinking that maybe that was just a presumption on my part. Maybe my sister just faked closeness, because she felt obligated to me just because I am her sister. She may have thought what would
anyone else think of her if she expressed her real feelings of what she thought of me. That is just my opinion, and I may be assuming things about what she might of been feeling back then. But how she is mistreating me now, makes me think that way. My sister suggested going to a counselor if I can’t forget about her and her in-laws wrongdoings, but I told her that she may not have realized that if we both go to a Counselor together, then we will both have to open up to our innermost feelings, before a Counselor could help us to either resolve our problems, or at least come to an understanding of why all of this negative behavior happened, and the motives behind it. I have told my sister my true feelings, but she disregards them as unimportant. She tells me that she doesn’t remember too much of her or her in-laws wrongdoings. My question to her is, why does she think that if she and her in-laws think that they didn’t do anything wrong, then why would I be so upset about
this situation? I don’t get upset because of nothing. Someone has to do something wrong to me for me to get this upset. Fiona, I’ve told you as much as I remember about this whole situation in this message, and in my other message that I wrote before. I hope you can help me with your own comments. Any help that you or anyone else on this Forum can give me will be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.
Virginia
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Hello Virginia
A counsellor would be fine, yet if there are some personal items, why do you and her not just set aside some time, say a day to take off together, spend time, and start at the beginning with each other and fully communicate to each the other, your grievances and issues, one at a time, and dissect each issue to the satisfaction of the other, resolve that one, and then tackle the next until all the demons are slain?
You need to clear the slate completely, and this all sounds so simple in principle, but in practice not such a piece of cake, yet essential to both of your happiness.
Fiona can suggest, I can suggest, others can comment, I can even validate and say things you will like to hear, but the end shot has to see you both clear this mess with each other so the distance can be closed and the matter put to bed, and the lights turned out.
Always Edward
Hi Ed,
This sounds like a good idea to talk to a Counselor, but I have tried to talk this problem out numerous times with my sister, but I never get any good results, because of her unwillingness to even talk about our problems. She just wants me to forget that it ever happened. I feel that this needs to be talked out, if we are ever going to resolve it. Everytime I bring up the subject, she will either tell me that I should forget about what happened, or she will change the subject. The only way that I can communicate with her is write her letters. Sometimes she will answer my letters, and sometimes she won’t. I heard from her ex-husband that she will read my letters over and over and get upset about them. She even decided to shread some of the letters that I sent to her. In her last letter that she sent to me she said not to bother her unless I forget eveything that happened. I am to blame because I was doing things that she permitted me to do, but she is telling me now that she didn’t approve of it back when I was doing the things that she permitted. How was I to know that she doesn’t say what she means, or means what she says. I trusted her completely on her word, and she made me distrust her with what she said, and her actions. My sister is a person that bottles up her true feelings, and won’t express them to me. I don’t know if going to a Counselor alone would help me much. My sister does not want to admit to her and her in-laws wrongdoing in this situation. She told me that she and they didn’t do anything wrong. I have expressed my true feelings about this situation to her, but she doesn’t seem to care that she hurt my feelings. She just acts like I deserved everything that happened to me. They may have done all that they did do with malicious intentions, and my sister would never want to admit that to me, if it was true. My sister wants me to forgive and forget, but she has never once said that she forgives me for not being able to read her mind. It is hard for me to even think of going to a Counselor because of the expense of going to one. I think this is something that I am just going to accept that it is what it is, and there is no way that I can change my sister’s attitude about me. I can only change my perspective on this. She has to be willing to change herself, as I can’t make her change to cater to me. Thanks for all of your advice. You and Fiona have been very helpful to me in this situation. I will try to change my perspective on this, and maybe I will understand it better. However, this works out , I can’t say that I didn’t try to resolve the problems. When my sister doesn’t want to cooperate, then I feel that all I can do is pray that she will change her attitude of me someday. If she never does change her attitide, then I will have to accept that this might be the way that she wants to live. Maybe for some unknown reason, she may no longer want me in her life. Of course, her ex-inlaws are a big influence to her when it comes to how she views me, so maybe they are brainwashing her. My sister is kind of naive, and doesn’t always pick up on other people’s negative behavior. Especially her in-laws that she thinks they are always right, and can do no wrong. It does not help for me to be around my sister, or talk to her on the phone because it always ends up with an argument from her blaming me for things that I did not do, but she assumes and suspects that I did do those things. She listens to her ex-inlaws assumptions, suspicions, and lies too. She believes them, and she won’t believe me no matter how much I try to convince her that I would not ever hurt her in anyway. Thanks again for all your help in this situation.
Virginia
Hi Fiona,
In my last message there was a typo that said, that my sister is putting most of the blame on her. I meant to say she is putting most of the blame on me. I didn’t catch my mistake before I posted it, so please excuse that. Thanks.
Virginia
Hi Virginia,
I’m just not able to assist you to work through this through blog posts. Ultimately as I am sure you are aware, you will need to come up with your own solutions and if you are struggling to do that, as you obviously are, I would highly recommend that you seek professional counselling. You are welcome to contact me via email
e-stranged@live.com if you are interested in working with me, or consider visiting your GP for a referral.
Take care,
Fiona
Hello VIrginia
Unless the other side agrees to confront things honestly, there can be no resolution that will satisfy you. I understand you well, and how you feel, my X refused to confront her issues, she had checked out of the relationship wih the help of my enabling in laws, her blaming, projecting, and refusal to admit error. Sounds like your situation is similar to the way mine was.
I understand how you feel frustrated and there are many more here in the same boat. I regret the situation you are in and know that if the other side confronted the issues, you would work through them together and all would be resolved.
Be true to yourself, accept any part you had in this but not one iota more. If she does not come around, you will have to decide to stickhandle around the obstacles or distance yourself from things.
I do regret the way things are and wish this would resolve.
I am heading out today after we do one more job, and I will be gone a few weeks, but wil be sure to return here to see how things are with you and the other fabulous women here..
Always Edward
Hi Ed,
Thanks for all of your advice. I doubt if any of my sister and my problems will ever be resolved, if she is not willing to discuss any of this with me. She has been misleading me, and playing mindgames,even before I started helping her with her household chores in Sept. 1999.
If she makes a decision permitting me to do something, she listens to her ex-in-laws opinions, after she already made her own decision, about the situation, and does what they want. She never stands up to her in-laws when it has somthing to do with me. Since she has been married, she has always been closer to her in-laws, then she is to me.
My sister and I have always had what I thought of as a close relationship, but maybe I was wrong about that all along, being that I found out that she does not express her true feelings. Maybe she just felt obligated to me, not because she wanted to but, only because I’m her only sister. She may have thought what my 4 brothers, and other family members would think of her, if she did not have a close relationship with me. I really think now if our realationship was as close as I always perceived it to be, that my sister would not of mistreated me like she did.
I also think if our relation was really that close, then she would not of let her ex- in-laws interfer ,and try to damage our relationship. I don’t even feel close to her now, because she has alienated me, and her destructive behavior is just pushing me further, and further away, instead of bringing us closer. It is so hard to understand her, when she refuses to discuss things with me. Hope you have a good trip, wherever you go. Thanks for all of your caring advice. Looking forward to your futher comments, when you come back, Thanks again, and take care.
Virginia
Hello Virginia
I would press things with your sister and seek to get her to answer the questions you have as there is little you can do until you have solid and accurate info to the questions that permeate your mind about her relationship with you…that is the real starting point, ACCURATE INFO.
Always Edward
Hi Ed,
Thanks for your suggestion to talk to my sister, but she is not willing to discuss our problems. She called me on New Year’s day, and told me something that I was suspecting of her. And that was that she was assuming that when she and her daughter left the house for the day, that I was having an affair with her husband. That was not true, and there is no way that I can convince her that she is falsely accusing me. I’m an honest person, and I wouldn’t even think of having an affair with any one elses husband, let alone my own sister’s husband. I have a happy marriage, and I wouldn’t jeopardize it for no one else.
My question is if my sister did not trust me in the house alone with her husband, then why did she allow me to help her with her household chores, and to go gambling with her husband if she really didn’t trust me? I’m so hurt because she did not tell me back then that it bothered her when I was around her husband. If she had told me back then that she didn’t trust me, instead of lying to me about trusting me for 8 years, and leading me on to believe that she trusted me, then I would not be in this situation at all. She made me go through all this trouble with her and her ex in-laws , just because she could not be open and honest with me about her real feelings. I really don’t think that I’ll be able to get through to her when she thinks that she and her ex in-laws are right, and she thinks that I’m wrong.
I’m younger than my sister is, and she may not like the fact that with this particular situation I am standing up for myself. She has always been the older bossy sister, and I was the quiet one that didn’t stand up for myself when I should have. When this situation happened, I woke up and decided that I’m not going to take her put downs anymore. With this particular situation, she has been reeling me in by trying to be nice to me, but turning around and putting me down since July of 2008. She has said that she’s sorry several times, but she turns around and continues with her same destructive behavior. To me her “sorry” doesn’t mean anything anymore, because it’s not sincere. I feel happier when I’m not around her because instead of us rebuilding our
close relationship, she is just pushing me farther and farther away with her destructive behavior. I have told her that if she does not wish to discuss our serious problems of trust, then our relationship can not ever be like it was before. I always thought we had a close relationship, but it could have been superficial on her part only because I’m her sister. Thanks again for your response. Take care.
Virginia
I didn’t speak to my parents for the better part of 2011. Maybe I needed the space, but it didn’t change their minds on the issues we have. I learned from an older cousin this year that I really dont have to do anything I dont want to do. I can politely bow out of a funeral if I feel uncomfortable going. I dont have to attend the family Christmas dinner if I dont want to. Politely saying sorry I have other plans does work. If they complain, I can politely state that I have plans again and move on. I can have a balance and not put myself in the middle of the family drama. I can also limit information that gets fed to the family. It takes work and balance, but I’m getting there.
What I think is so ironic about this is that my cousin who is giving me this sage advice is divorced. The family will still mention this in some way at gatherings even though my cousin and his ex (with their new spouses) will get together on holidays to be with the kids . The people who are most involved have moved to a better place, while the rest of the family still have an opinion (even though it was none of their business to begin with.) As he puts it: Be you. Go out and have fun. They’ll still be complaining about the same things next year.
I like your cousin’s advice!!!
“The actual process of communication relies not on one off exactitude, but rather on an ongoing exchange and continual refinement that relies on two people willingly engaging in the process.”
It does take two people to willingly engage, not people out to get their way and be right at everyone else’s expense. In the case of my in-laws they want their way–end of story. They expect people to fall-in-line and to comply with their demands. They don’t even think about whether their demands are unreasonable and if you don’t do as they say–then they shun you. They simply refuse to allow anyone to talk openly about anything and they shut it down. Placating and appeasement is the perpetual pacifier in their mouths–my husband learned to do this, but I think it has exacted a huge price, despite him “denying” this. His need for their approval is conditioned and too strong. Really though the shunning was almost immediate with me. The door was never open and they never did get to know me–zero tolerance. I was competition and they wanted me gone. These people do have very different rules about their own behaviors and what they want for themselves. While my husband was never great “friends” with my sister-in-laws (SIL) boyfriends/husbands, he also didn’t treat them disrespectfully either. With behaviors like that–”my way or the highway,” there will never be any room for refinement, growth or joy. Apparently my husband can find a few “moments” of happiness with appeasement. If he meets their needs then they might give him a crumb of approval and then act in a way that would be appropriate behavior anyway.
“While we are busy tuning into the literal or explicit message being conveyed, we are also busy trying to find context and create meaning. When we are tracking communication we are looking for both spoken and unspoken messages, filling in the sub-context of communication as we go.”
“Unspoken messages,” are huge in “silent” families.
“This is a slippery slope since most of this is guess work until and unless we articulate and reality check our perceptions.” When I used to try to talk to my husband about his family (all of them) and their behaviors–he would often say that they “knew”. One of his comments about his mother was that “she just didn’t want to deal with it”. When I used to try to talk to one of my sister’s she would dismiss my feelings–the old, “you’re being to sensitive,” and other similar comments. When I tried to explain about another person in my past–from our childhood, she focused only on a date and from that small detail attempted to dismiss what I was saying as “wondering if it was just a dream.” When I tried to call her out on her comments regarding my other sister’s hurtful and destructive behavior–she would always say, “You always misinterpret everything I say,” and then continued with a sweeping generalization, “Well, if you misinterpret everything I say it only makes sense that you would likewise misinterpret everything she says.” Is there any better way to totally and completely disregard another person’s existence and feelings?
“This is further compounded because often we are doing this whole making of meaning at a subconscious level and it can be very difficult to articulate what we are picking up.” This is so true and one feels like they are in a perpetual “fog”.
This is all so very wounding. I start to cry. Sometimes I feel fine about the decisions I basically was forced to make, given their behaviors. At other times–the wounding is unbearable.
Hi Karen,
Thanks for your considered comments. I’m sorry that you have been so wounded by the abuse of silence. In my experience, personal and professional, I have come to believe that the use of the “silent treatment” (silence, distance, ignoring, dis-acknowledgement, banishment, apathy) is one of the most damaging and ironically aggressive forms of emotional abuse. It leaves its victims feeling unvalued, unimportant, deeply punished and unable to trust their own senses. It erodes their sense of competency as communicators and leaves them doubting their capacity for understanding and making meaning. It leaves its victims feeling dehumanized, invisible, and without worth.
This is one of the reasons I think it is worthy to continue on to unpack silence and consider its implications on relationships. It is especially important to be able to tease out the difference between taking space, which as I am suggesting, is clearly communicated, time limited, boundaried and respectful as opposed to engaging in silent hostility which is designed to throw another person off their pivot point, dismantle their self-esteem and hurt them.
One of the easier ways of considering the difference is to watch for a pattern of disengagement and to consider how the other person responds to engaged communication. If the silent treatment is a chronic relationship pattern, there is a serious problem. If attempts to discuss this pattern are met with rationalizations, justifications, excuses, blaming and more silence, there is a serious problem.
Ultimately those who use silence as a weapon, know that hurt is their intent. If we again look at the collage I made some time back, we can see some of the justifications for its use; “Silence is the best way of letting someone know they have done you wrong”, “Silence means you do not deserve my words”, “Silence breaks hearts”, “Silence kills”…
I say again, silence is intentional communication.
The silent treatment is punishing and it is about power and control. Silence is a way of forcing unspoken communication and nicely side-stepping any overt conflict, disagreement, or inter-relational issues. It unilaterally blocks any possibility of resolution or healing. If we do it, we must stop.
The silent treatment is an immature, un-evolved, passive-aggressive and irresponsible pattern of interaction that we must learn to protect ourselves against, or risk exposing ourselves repeatedly to a toxic pattern of abuse. This is not only dis-empowering, it is crazy making. We will struggle to protect ourselves until we see the dynamics for what they are.
I wish healing for you Karen. I know you have given all you’ve got to these relationships and all that is left on the other side of it is the skinniest of regard, caring and love for you.
Take care,
Fiona