Care Less
“The better you learn to take care of yourself, the less you settle for being around people who can’t or won’t treat you as well as you’re accustomed.”
― Curtis Sittenfeld
We are hitting the time of New Year’s resolutions and thinking about the things that will make the year ahead of us better. I’ve been reading through some resolutions and am always inspired to see how many people select the goals of loving and caring more for their resolution.
In fact, I think my resolution for 2011 was Love. It was a worthy resolution that created all sorts of positive impetus for me across the last year. It meant that I took more risks with love, allowed more room for it and paid more attention to it. Was it a “good” resolution? Yes I think so – however it has also allowed me to see where loving more is not always the answer.
This year I am making a new resolution. It might sound strange and unnatural … certainly unorthodox as far as resolutions go and perhaps some people will have all sorts of judgement and baggage about it. This year, my New Year’s resolution is to care less.
Care less for people who care little for me. Care less for people who judge and condemn me for being the person I am. Care less for people who struggle so deeply with their own issues, that they have little or nothing to share with me. Certainly to care less for people who would demean, diminish, isolate and harm me.
I will not necessarily stop loving. I will stop investing. I will place my caring where it is meaningful and matters. I will place my caring with people who are capable of reciprocating in kind.
Sure as sure, there is no Superman, or Batman, or Wonder Woman who will intervene in these “skinny” relationships on my behalf. Sometimes we have to be our own heroes. Sometimes we need to care less.
I never thought of it this way.
Great article…and the word is indifference. Our first and foremost responsibility is to ourselves, because if we do not look after ourselves, nobody else will. Looking after ourselves is not being selfish,but not looking after ourselves is to be foolish. Temporally, all we have is ourselves…why do many people pay more attention to things that do not matter, and so little to themselves?
Other people can be abusive to us in many ways, but I wonder why people are abusive to themselves.
I wasn’t taught any better, so until I was made aware of my self-defeating behavior patterns I just didn’t realize they were wrong. As Oprah said, “When we know better, we do better.”
Yay! I love it. That is all I have to say.
“Care less for people who care little for me. Care less for people who judge and condemn me for being the person I am. Care less for people who struggle so deeply with their own issues, that they have little or nothing to share with me. Certainly to care less for people who would demean, diminish, isolate and harm me.
I will not necessarily stop loving. I will stop investing. I will place my caring where it is meaningful and matters. I will place my caring with people who are capable of reciprocating in kind.”
These words are almost spot on and most of what I vow for me and my family. The only place I differ though is to be able to care and help for those who I have nothing to gain from and might have issues and I don’t feel you, Fiona, necessarily feel that way or you wouldn’t be dealing with us and our issues, right? In fact, because of our own estrangement struggles, we will be more sensitive and compassionate to those who are struggling.
I couldn’t possibly agree more with your statement that you won’t stop loving but stop investing and place caring where it is meaningful and matters and to care less for people who would demean, diminish, isolate and harm me (& my family), for those who care little for me, and those who judge and condemn me for being the person I am.
I couldn’t agree more!
I’ve had a pretty startling revelation since yesterday. I looked back over the last twelve months and realized that my in-laws made zero effort to reach out to me or apologize to me. Yes, we were invited to a few major events like birthday parties, but overall there was a complete lack of effort on both sides to include each other in our lives. I realized that I have I wouldn’t say *wasted* my time on them, but that I see that there was a lot of energy spent on something that I could have redirected on areas of my life that needed me more. If I matter that little to them, then I need to re-evaluate where my energies and affections need to be. When I started to do this, to focus my thoughts on positive people and things in my life, rather than ruminating on the things that aren’t going so well, or may cause me stress, I saw a dramatic difference in the direction my own life was taking. I think I’m on to something.
I still love them. And it does still sting to see my kids missing out on so much. And the door is always open. But I wonder how much more I should invest in something that isn’t going anywhere.
Hello Sue
I walked away and disowned a sibling decades ago and never have regretted it, Sometimes people are just write-offs, and keeping them in our existence is not worth it. We each have to decide for ourselves but having some in our lives is like having a perpetually flat tire on our car. Not worth the bother!
There is ALWAYS a right and wrong in every situation, although in failed relationships there is often an identifiable “at fault” posture on both sides.
Every situation has to be measured and considered carefully before action, and leaving the door open is always a good thing to do when one is not sure of what to do, and as you are doing, I expect it is because you are allowing the other side room to reconclle. You have chosen the best option in this case, as it speaks of a desire to reconciliation which is a large part of the noble character you possess which I have seen demonstrated here as of late.
Any decision you make though to move away form this tact does not in the least diminish that reality about you.
I am regretful of your situation, but of course see you in a very positive light. Your interaction with Karen has pplaced you, and her, front row center in my cherishment.
AAlways Edward
In my opinion, “caring less” requires two things: (1) knowing my self worth and (2) learning to detach from abusive/toxic/harmful people regardless of his or her supposed position in my life (ie. parent, pastor, spouse, etc.). How I’m incorporating that in my life is learning that my thoughts/feelings matter; no one has the right to control me; and I deserve equal respect regardless.
You well know that disrespect, manipulation, control and selfishness do not discriminate in finding people to attach themselves to and position in life, profession, etc are not a defence against such people being toxic to you and others.
The human psyche, fueled by the religion of the day, dialetic secular humanism, provides a constant and ready army of toxic people one needs to be on guard against in every aspect of one’s existence.
Life in general, our existence is fraught with challenges, trials and tribulations as it is. I do marvel at the wisdom written thousands of years ago by the wisest man ever when he said about life, “All is vanity and vexation of spirit.” He was not complaining, he was making an accurate observation.
To the present, and into the future, things have not and will not change. We need to get used to that reality and focus on preventing being victimized more importantly than dealing with the after effects.
I see some here have keyed into that, I know I have, and I observe Fiona touches on “preventative” as well as mitigational. The key to everything is choosing the right people to interact with where possible, andf erecting screens/barriers to others(relatives) where it is not.
I find your handle “giftedwithbrokeness” interesting, and it flies with the axiom, “where there is sorrow there is holy ground”. May you be spared treading on “holy ground” more often than necessary.
Always Edward