A Week of Christmas: Adjusting Our Expectations
“ Christmas Amnesty. You can fall out of contact with a friend, fail to return calls, ignore e-mails, avoid eye contact at the Thrifty-Mart, forget birthdays, anniversaries, and reunions, and if you show up at their house during the holidays (with a gift) they are socially bound to forgive you—act like nothing happened. Decorum dictates that the relationship move forward from that point, without guilt or recrimination.”
- Christopher Moore
Ahhh if only it were so simple! Have you ever tried the strategy of waiting until a holiday or another important occasion and then sending a gift or a card and hoping that it would build a bridge, heal a hurt, open a door… only to find the gift or card unceremoniously returned, or never mentioned? How about inviting someone you have a strained relationship or no relationship with, to join you for the holidays – only they don’t show up, or they do show up and its just terribly awkward and uncomfortable … or worse?
It happens.
We have such high expectations for the allure of occasion. This is both a blessing and a curse. It is our belief that holidays are magical and special that allows us to step outside of our normal day-to-day routine and enjoy ourselves.
It is also our expectation that holidays should be magical and special that can trip us up and leave us feeling lonely, unloved and anything but special at Christmas when the day fails to measure up to our imagination of what it could be or should be.
It’s time to adjust our expectations.
Christmas comes bearing all sorts of stresses; battling the malls and going shoulder to shoulder with other holiday shoppers, decorating, invitation sending, menu planning, grocery getting, cooking, cleaning, gift wrapping, entertaining. Or simply the stress of managing the social expectation of what Christmas is (or is not). We juggle the expectation that because it is Christmas time, we are supposed to be and do things in a better, more loving, more caring, more forgiving and giving way. And we have expectations about others doing the same thing. Somehow Christmas is supposed to be suspended from the reality we live the other 364 days of the year. Whew!
Must we add resolving family problems and curing estrangement to the to-do list?
Some may say that Christmas just isn’t Christmas when there are empty places at the table and the people we expect to be there are not. They might believe that holidays simply aren’t worth having while family rifts are happening. Some people spend their holidays planning and imagining reconciliation. They may even think that it is not possible to enjoy the season, in spite of absence. Yet many of us do exactly that.
In order to accomplish this, we must adjust our Christmas expectations. We start by looking to the people and relationships who are present. We look to spend time with our immediate family, our inner circle of close friends, even acquaintances whose company we enjoy. If we are the only person present, we learn that we matter, and we deserve a special day too …
We learn not to stack the deck against ourselves by expecting a Disney Christmas, and we instead decide what would make the day magical for us and those we love and care about. We plan to create a holiday experience that is achievable – that means we keep our focus on the things we reasonably can do and want to do!
If your favourite part of the holiday is baking or cooking – do that – even if it is just for you – you are worth a beautiful meal or a shortbread cookie. If you enjoy Christmas carols, crank em up! Buy a present for yourself. Get it gift wrapped.
If you like entertaining, invite someone you like to spend the day with you. If you have no one to spend the day with, consider volunteering a part of your day to a favourite cause … head off to a homeless shelter, a senior citizens home or hospital, walk a puppy at the RSPCA. Remember, with the technology available, people don’t have to be sitting in your living room to connect. Phone, instant message, Skype, email – it’s all available – use it!
Think of Christmas like a ” get out of the day-to-day grind for free” card. If it was any other day that you had completely to yourself, to do with exactly what you pleased, what would you want to be doing? Do that! Read a book, head to the beach, curl up with a mug of hot chocolate and watch cheesy movies … get your camera out and go outside, write a poem, do a crossword puzzle, play a video game, listen to some favourite music. Light a candle, have a glass of champagne … play in the snow. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination.
Christmas is not “Drive Yourself Crazy Day” It’s not ” Bang Your Head On Closed Doors Day” and it doesn’t have to be ”Reconcile with Estranged Family Day”. Leave family problems and the resolution of estrangement for another day; a less loaded day. Adjust your expectations. Take care of yourself.
I expected this year to spend Christmas alone in the Rockies, isolated and by myself so as to make sure I was in good company. (hahahaha) Alas, a relative made plans for me and I also have a legal event I must attend so that holiday must be cut short.
I have opted out of the card exchanging, and all associated rigamarole. (call me Scrooge if you like) I have enjoyed as much of the Christmas thing as I can stand. I do not buy gifts, I give $$$, and pay my X half what it costs her to buy family presents as I have not a clue and she knows best what all require.
I refuse to be dragged into the Christmas craziness anymore, except for my grandchildren who I am building investment accounts for their future use.
Somehow, I am more relaxed and enjoy more the season. Wonder why.
Always Edward and always different!
Again, very helpful! Christmas is so fraught with unrealistic expectations, made more unnerving when ‘fixing estrangement issues’ is added to the list. Quite a comfort to give ourselves a break by taking it off the table and allowing ourselves the freedom to enjoy Christmas. Well-written piece offering our souls some peace!
Just the words/message I needed to read. Thank you.
Once again, Thank you Fiona. You are a master at “succinct and on point”.
I have just one question…..how did you become so very wise?
I can answer your question why Fiona has become so wise…she was born a member of the fairer gender. I have found that while the fairer gender can be cold and cruel, they also have a distinct capacity to the nobler character traits including understanding, empathy, trust, warmth, objectivity, fairness, affection, and so much more. I have made some experential observations on this and note that on blogs and bulletin boards, commentary on issues by women demonstrates validation of their gender in the traits I listed above as well as a high intellectual application.
I have three close friends, one is a man and two are women, both quite astute but one an actual eighth wonder of the world who has to have an IQ in the top 1% of the population. Both are married, and much younger, but the fact they were chosen by who they married is a tacit testimonial to their husbands’ awareness of excellence in women. All men should be so lucky.
I have to add patience, did I not I expect Fiona would be inclined to want to kick me between the rear pockets, in consideraiton of my having failed to recognize she has to be imbued with much of that to deal with the irrascible me…and even at that with patience galore I know at times she must find it trying. (at least I have a sense of humour about it all)
Always Edward
Thank you for this reminder to be mindful of what I focus on this Christmas. You’re helping me in the battle to keep my priorities in proper order. I have decided to have a happy Christmas season. Those who decide not to be part of it, I will leave till another time to deal with. Thank you for the inner liberty you help me find.
Merry Christmas Fiona.
Thanks, Fiona, boy did this come at the right time for me (many of us I’m sure!). I have made the decision to start our own new traditions this year, partly due to estrangement, and partly due to the fact that, at some point, all families must make this choice, i.e., whether to carry on with your families traditions, or to start your own. I have also decided that, as in your article, we will only take on that which is important to us, and spend more time enjoying the holiday, instead of knocking ourselves out to make sure everyone else is happy. In my family, that used to mean non stop running to make all happy, at the risk of my own health, and my mental health as well. I have been asked several times, by well meaning folk, how I plan to “rekindle” my relationship with my mom & sister so that I can celebrate the holiday with them, as if this would be the natural course to take. The first time I floundered a bit, but then I realized it doesn’t matter what they think, or anyone else. What matters is that those close to me, my husband and children, enjoy the holiday, and not have to deal with all the crazy family drama my mom & sister seem to literally thrive on, which makes my soul tremble with leery anticipation, knowing what’s in store for me. It doesn’t affect just me, when surrounded by this negativity, I tend to withdraw, start the process of shutting down and throwing up that protective wall, like I learned as a young child. It’s an effective measure for that, but it also shuts out people I don’t want to shut out. When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, so I’m not doi g this for myself only, but my family as well. Besides, I think my mom & sister would be happier without me there too, I seem to bring out the absolute worst in them, and according to what they think of me, they probably don’t want me around anyway. I may be wrong, I’m sure they’ll be disappointed there’s no scapegoat to kick around and cast blame upon. This time of year has always made their “dislike” of me more intense, everything seems magnified, ever since I was around 7, I literally feared this holiday season, knowing what was coming. This year will be the very first year this will be different for me, and it’s been a LONG time coming, now that I’m over 40. Bout time, right? It’s never too late to be proactive in your own life! I’m going to relax and enjoy my husband and kids, and everything else be damned
Thanks again for all you do, Fiona, and this article lender the vindication & validation I needed at this time.
“…and if you show up at their house during the holidays (with a gift) they are socially bound to forgive you—act like nothing happened.”
I have a very hard time understanding the “magical thinking” demonstrated here…as if just showing up on a holiday and then giving a gift exonerates someone of all personal responsibility, yet I see this thinking and behavior all the time and I resent it. Act like a selfish jerk all year long, then give a gift and pretend…Tis the season. How can people live with this hypocrisy and madness without being driven insane themselves.
How can anyone presume that ignoring relationships and the work involved to maintain them or just indulging in outright neglect and selfishness throughout the year, or even years will be ignored if one just shows up for the holiday. Under those circumstances gift giving seems highly manipulative, rather than an act of true grace and real generosity. What better way to pressure someone into forgiveness than if you give a gift in front of an audience–it’s cowardly and deceptive behavior.
My in-laws were always rejecting, manipulative and cruel and they never behaved in an inclusive, loving or caring way towards me, so I gave up any thought that they would somehow change. I can’t really say what hope my husband may have had. I think he learned to just lower any expectation that he may have had given how miserable and selfish they are. My family had their own set of problems too, but they never acted mean or excluded my husband. I decided to opt out of the madness.
For a time I (we) also used to invite people over and I would make a feast, but I encountered the same sorts of ungracious, selfish and inconsiderate behaviors. Lack of gratitude seems to be a very pervasive attitude these days and I’m no longer incentivized to offer warmth and graciousness to others when they are so lacking in decency or appropriate behaviors.
On another web site someone started a thread asking others what were their family Christmas traditions. Well we’ve had a few….We made our own ornaments one year (dough) and painted them. It was a fun project, but also took a lot of time and effort, although my in-laws didn’t appreciate them. They like money and care about it more than people and relationships–only expensive gestures impress them. We also purchased wines from the local wineries and placed them in homemade gift baskets filled with jams (also made from local produce that we picked ourselves. My in-laws never appreciated gifts from the heart–only money. They didn’t/don’t care about anything else. I used to bake too, but seldom do that anymore either.
These days my efforts are simple and I don’t bother to give anything from the heart to people who don’t care about my efforts, time and attention. Our traditions change and I like to keep an open heart to new experiences. I live in a colder climate now too, so weather influences what we do as well. We decorate a tree (with the rejected dough ornaments), although the past few years I really haven’t been into that either. I bake for a few people, but do that less now too. It depends. Situations change…
One of my happiest experiences is when one year, during a severe cold spell we purchased some cracked corn (which is healthy) from the wild bird center and fed the geese and ducks at the park. These simple pleasures make me happy and it was fun watching the geese and ducks feasting on healthy food–I know they appreciated our giving.
Your in-laws sound more like outlaws and I can imagine few things more cruel than ingrates such as they are, rejecting presents you gave that I would be very pleased to receive. Homemade preserves would be welcome in my cupboard anytime of the year and the thought that anyone would go to the work involved that it takes from picking to process, just to give to me would warm me towards the giver. I know my parents would have cherished and loved a precious woman such as you in our family, as a daughter or as a daughter in law, as anyone would who recognizes the sacrifice in time and effort it takes to make such a gift. They would have absolutely adored you!
Such people as your toxic in laws are not worthy of such treatment, maybe they should be given a pint or so of the same corn that you fed the geese, but you would have to steal from the birds to accommodate and I am not in favor of that as it would deprive good geese of food that they are grateful to receive. Tell ya what Karen, I have a brick to send them if you would forward their address to me.
I regret that your tender feelings were probably hurt, these people did not and do not deserve such a great gal as you for a daughter in law. Thinking of the hurt they imposed on you generates hurt in me but also anger that such emotional messes actually are a given in the sick society we live in.
None of them have enough skin to make a toe warmer for a gal like you, do not forget that.
Always Edward
Edward,
Thank you and I appreciate your encouraging words. A toe warmer? Really. You are kind and humorous at the same time. Of course you are right that my tender feelings were very hurt. Their hostility and rejection was very hurtful as I just wanted to be accepted, but my in-laws saw me as fierce competition, especially my sister-in-law, and could not abide nor tolerate me–there was just no love in their hearts. I tried so very hard to win their acceptance, but that would have come at too high a price and was contingent upon them getting their way at the expense of others, so eventually I gave up. Selfish, destructive people never consider how their behaviors compromise the happiness of others.
As to the geese and corn I’m glad that we are in agreement as I wouldn’t want to deprive them of food that they are grateful to receive either, besides watching them fills me with a lot of happiness and I can savor those moments.
As far as the brick goes…thank you for your consideration. (We) once gave a mean, rotten bullying kid in our “hood” some rocks hidden inside a bag of treats for Halloween. I was always taught to look the other way and to “forgive and forget”, but that was one time I couldn’t.
Hello All. just what I needed to hear. Me and my husband are taking care of ourselves this christmas and doing the things we want to do, the only expectation is each other and our son, eating great food, relaxing in pajamas, and champagne.
I will try to release the expectations I have of our families. I will try.
I absolutely love Christmas in spite of an estrangement that is not of my choosing. We just put our energies elsewhere. Life abhors a vacuum, so we let it flow. It’s like a running river, always filling in the spaces and carving new monuments for us as it goes. I love where it is taking me, in spite of the drama that I do not own in an estrangement that isn’t even a part of who I am. If an unwanted estrangement has taught me anything, it has taught me to trash expectations. The invitations, the gifts, the kind words and feelings mean nothing to the person who wants to keep the rejection dear to the hearts. What can we do when they demand this kind of a statement for themselves? Not much.
One of the key elements to happiness and living a quality life for others is to get rid of expectations. No where else is there more profound peace and tranquility than moving away from expectations. If everyone knew how to live without expectations, there would be no such thing as estrangement.
Thank-you for devoting an entire post to a subject this real.
“One of the key elements to happiness and living a quality life for others is to get rid of expectations. No where else is there more profound peace and tranquility than moving away from expectations. If everyone knew how to live without expectations, there would be no such thing as estrangement. ”
I tend to look at this another way…it is my right to have expectations that others will not try to manipulate me, take advantage, criticize, or impose THEIR OWN EXPECTATIONS on me, Geting rid of my expectations would be like presenting to herd members a razor sharp knife and baring my throat to them. I think we have all found that many people are out for themselves and seek to manipulate to advantage anyone they can, to their own selfish bent.
I wear my expectations as to how I expect to be treated, on my sleeve, and do not compromise on them.
If what was quoted above is to be taken that people should drop their expectations of others, which are really manipulations, I can agree but to say that we should drop our expectations, which are really protective principles and standards that protect us, is not at all what is conductive to one’s security or happiness.
Always Edward
Good analogy, Edward. I have to respect your feelings and what you say. I have often been called an idealist so I have to say that from my perspective, it isn’t a matter of someone coming at me to slit my throat. I prefer to think that people who interfere with my life are not doing it so they can intentionally cause me harm. I think that they are doing it for another reason that is personal to them. It’s just that their self-absorption gets in the way of my life. In other words, they aren’t coming at me specifically, they are just trying to do things to ease some hate or burden or anger they feel. I just happen to be standing in the way. So I get the H— out of the way.
I find that when I get out of someone’s way, then it leaves space for someone else to stand there. Someone else stands there and behold, they take the shrapnel. Someone will always take the fall for another who is flying bullets. You just have to leave the scene and keep in mind they are not trying to attack you personally. They are just trying to attack, period.
24namaste, that makes sense to me on many levels and my situation wouldn’t be all that absurd if, with me (& my immediate family) out of the way someone else was taking the shrapnel. Actually, if I could see that as the case I wouldn’t be as personally offended. On some level, as unhealthy as I know my family to be with their bizarre thinking and tribal, exclusionary behavior, I’m thinking should be obvious to other extended members of my family but in five years now, that’s not the case. They’ve painted me and my husband, and even our children to be pariahs and themselves to be sweet, logical and well-adjusted. I’m imagining some poor salespeople or other such strangers are probably getting the wrath and ugliness once reserved for me now that the scapegoat is gone. I’m more bothered from what extended family believe about me than being shunned from my mom, brother, sister, nieces and nephews — crazy I know! I love the way you have processed your situation and the behavior from others from a nonpersonal level and believe me, this is my goal!
I always take any attempted manipulations from others, or attacks, in a personal way and respond accordingly. Nobody has the self righteous mandate presupposed on their anger towards anyone or at life in general to take it out on innocent people, and such individuals mert a just response to their toxicty.
To be sure, the regular herd does not want to cause a fuss, suffer duress, or take a stand for justice to the point they will confront a miscreant and give/him/her what they have coming. That is why we have so many bullies, and miscreant types around. A bully would be more inclined to be less so if everyone he treid to bully gave him a black eye, broken nose, or fractured jaw. I know violence is rarely necessary but where it is, it is the only thing that will suffice. Verbal violence is well in order for many, after all, there are
There are too many people who view others as targets for scams, and people to take advantage of. Here in canuckistan, criminals are coddled, and the “lieberal” bent is to switch the perpetrator to the place of the real victim and the victim to being the perpetrator. We do not have concealed carry laws like the good ole USA and I note that in states where concealed carry was implemented, the rates of rape, robbery and murder dropped drastically. The reason why is self evident, the human garbage that eyed what appeared to be a defenceless victim then realized they might have to pay with their very lives for their criminality, and like the cowards they are, backed away quickly.
Taking that scenario to that of people who are manipulative and seek to advance their own interests at the expense of others, if these psychotics were challenged and chastised, they would be less likely to re-commit. Society and the system has formed a stereotypical idea that everyone is defenceless and can be victimized without consequence. That works until they pick the wrong target.
It is estimated there are two million psychopaths in North America, and 300,000 in Canuckistan(Canada), thus making it a high probability the rest of us will be exposed to many in our general lives. I do not think we can afford to ignore that fact, and even less, to not engage any one who acts in an emotionally destructive way to any of us.
Call me intolerant if you will, for it true. I am not ashamed of being intolerant of murderers, rapists, thieves, and the general riff raff who verbally and emotionally hurt others. Be careful namaste, all is never as it meets the eye, we all deserve respect and to be free of imposed abuse of any sort from anyone. Nuff said.
Always Edward
Ha, Edward, my mother would argue you that one! I’ve expressed the same to her, however not as eloquently as you, and her reply was that, “sometimes love hurts, and ‘family is family’, & thus we must be the ‘bigger person’ and forgive, get over it, & move on”. This coming from the same woman who wouldn’t speak to me for 5 monthe because I told her I liked her new wallet, and shame on me it was supposed to be a purse! Apparently in my family, blood is an obligation that allows them to treat you with malice with no consequence. Whenever I would stand up for myself I was called narcissistic, drama queen, & plenty of other condescending remarks. Oh well, I’ve learned I can’t change them, but I CAN change the way I react to them. It was hard to let them go, but my improved health tells me it was the right thing to do… for me & mine.
Hello JustMe
I am totally intolerant of people who make stupid judgments and instruct others, from a position of ignorance, to move on when these critical ignoramuses have not at all suffered what the victim has suffered and so do not have a clue and should exercise the option of keeping their mouth shut. You have done best and protected yourself, and did right for sure.
This nonsense about group hug and all is right is the biggest heresy ever in the world of the pseudo counsellor who does more harm than good. Keep on, you are on track…my regrets for the situation and hurt you have been exposed to but it is not the problem we have, it is what we do about it that matters. You have done what needs to be done, you should treat any criticism as you would the buzzing of flies in your ears…ignore, abhor, and snore.
Always Edward