What’s Your Attachment Style?
“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word). I will protect you from your own insecurity. I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never cultivated in yourself. I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family.
I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.”
~ Elizabeth Gilbert
Do you think that the Elizabeth Gilbert quote above is a little over the top? You won’t if you lean toward having an anxious or insecure attachment pattern. Simply put, we don’t see relationships as they are, we see them as we are. We bring our perspectives, values, beliefs and relational patterns into every relationship we engage with. The higher the emotional intensity and more significant the relationship, the more likely we are to react from our attachment patterns.
So what is this attachment thing?
Quite simply attachment theory is the work of John Bowlby, and Mary Ainsworth who worked to establish that there were very particular and patterned responses that children had following the temporary removal of their primary carer during an experiment. Depending on the child’s perceived sense of dependable connection and caring from their parent, they typically responded by demonstrating one of three styles of attachment: secure, anxious or preoccupied, or dismissive.
Secure Attachment
Bowlby and Ainsworth discovered that when parents or carers are consistently available and responsive to their children, the children feel securely attached to their carer, are better able to manage separation, are more willing to explore, engage with new people and develop new skills with minimal anxiety or distress.
Anxious or Preoccupied Attachment
They discovered when parents or carers were over protective, inconsistent or only sporadically available their children develop anxious or preoccupied attachments. These children are more vigilant with their parents or carers. They do not tolerate separation well, tend to cling to their carer and react with distress when things are uncomfortable or unsettling.
Dismissive Attachment
If parents or carers are unavailable or neglectful, children are likely to develop a dismissing style of attachment. These children show few signs of needing or relying/trusting their carers. They do their best to manage on their own without assistance and do not seek the attention or nurturance of their carer.
Attachment issues didn’t stop when we grew up and attachment theory didn’t end with Bowlby and Ainsworth. More recently researchers such as Shaver and Hazan, have been exploring attachment patterns in adult romantic relationships. My research has built upon this research to explore how the attachment styles across our family relationships influence how people think, feel and behave. Almost every relational behaviour from jealousy to intolerance to deception to despair is influenced by our attachment style and patterns. Many common relationship problems and issues are also related to our attachment style and patterns. Could it just possibly be that family estrangement is one of them?
If you are curious about your attachment style, you can try this test. I’d love to know how you go!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tori Lafferty, estrangedfamily. estrangedfamily said: http://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/2011/01/31/whats-your-attachment-style/ Attachment didn't stop being important when we grew up! [...]
Fiona,
I have beenreading your posts about attachment. I have found it very helpful . After doing the quiz, I think I fall into anxious/preoccupied and avoidant. I do not have many close attachments and do not crave them much. Generally I am suspicious of people. I do have 2 close friends and a wonderful husband, but even with them I know I will go only so far with trust. Most people like me, I have lots of pals. I get along well with people and excel especially at work, because I keep it light. I do not and have never felt close to my family of origin. I have been estranged from my abusive, narcissist, non-functioning brother for 9 years, and estranged from my parents on and off during those 9 years, mainly over issues about him. Thier terms seem to be either I accept ALL of them or get NONE of them. (BTW, we are in our 40′s; at what point do we get to decide who we speak to??)The 3 of them are like glue, I have always been distant. From a young age (like 6), I remember very clearly figuring out I could not rely on my parents to protect me from my brother and so I kind of emotionally put myself in a bubble. My father is very self- involved and checked out emotionally from all of us. My mother, I think recognizing how screwed up my brother is, has become completely co-dependent and over involved in his life to a very unhealthy degree. She will attack me or anyone in defense of him no matter what he does (again, we are talking about about a 45 year old man, why does he still need his mom to defend him??). Obviously this has driven us apart.
My question is this: since we have never in reality been close, and go years at a time w/o speaking, why am I so preoccupied with my parents? I think about our estrangement constantly. I consider life decisions with them in mind even though we have not spoken in years!! Rationally I can not understand this but emotionally I have a hard time stopping. I will give a few examples of this: when we were deciding wether or not to have kids, one of my main worries was what it would be like for my mom to have grandkids and not see them if we are on one of our “off” periods and not speaking. Why do I care about that?? I should have been thinking about me and my husband, what WE want and how it will be for our kids. But no, I was thinking about her and I had not heard from her in years!!! Right now, my husband and I are thinking about a move abroad, and one of the first things that came to my mind and has been a major issue is not wanting to be so far from my mother in case she gets sick . My husband , kids and I have not seen or heard from her in 3 years, over a fight about my brother!! Why is she still so importnat in my decisionmaking??? It is making me crazy!! Since I am aware that this is very strange thinking indeed, I do catch myself and ultimately I make my decisions based on other factors , but it bothers me that it happens at all and that i struggle with this. Can you please help me understand this preoccupation with a person I do not feel attached to, but can not separate from either??
One more thing, the intergenerational estrangement topic…my parents who are so insistent I speak to my brother hav ebeen estranged from thier own siblings for 25+ years!! We grew up w/o extended family bc of this and it was VERY HARD for me, since I also was (emotionally) estranged from my family of origin. i always felt I grew up toally alone even though I lived with 2 parents and brother. I always swore I would not inflictthis on my kids. Guess what?? Repetion compulsion is stronger than me! Not only am I estranged from my family (so no uncles/aunts/cousins or grandparents for my kids on my side), I chose a husband with family far away. Sigh!!!