Gossip

 

 

“When two people gossip, they are having a relationship at the expense of a third party.”

- Anonymous

Estranged families are often rife with gossip – in fact, it can be the only way information is passed and shared. Gossip can escalate from casually and non maliciously sharing, to sharing with one family member at the expense of another family member to something called “triangulation”. In estranged families, triangulation can be a way of managing and alleviating conflict, by drawing a third party into a relationship, which is experiencing its own problems. The conflict or problem is deflected onto a third party, and takes the focus of the immediate issues in the relationship.

Consider Amy’s situation; “I have not spoken directly to my sister, Debbie for over 10 years. The only way she can know anything about me is through my mother, who I also do not speak with. Despite Debbie and Mom having a rocky relationship too, they agree I am the problem. This is how Debbie and mom work. They feel good about themselves by picking on me.”

or Rhoda’s observation …

“My husband has issues with his mom but its not comfortable for him to confront her. I notice he talks to his mom about me, sometimes says some really negative things about me. It feels like they connect and bond by cutting me down.”

Triangulation may temporarily alleviate stress and anxiety, and in small doses, can be managed. For instance, it is very common to have a chosen friend or family member that we de-brief things with. I may choose to tell my best friend about an argument I had with my husband, however there are “rules” about these de-briefings. We understand that I am de-briefing, that I still love and respect my husband, and that I am not asking her to pick sides, or in anyway diminish or demean my partner.

However, gossip and triangulation quickly become unfair communication strategies when they become entrenched, when they scapegoat or victimize another person and when they interfere with building and maintaining healthy, one-one relationships. Debbie and mom may reduce any tension in their own relationship by focusing on Amy, or Rhoda’s husband and his mom may successfully postpone having to address the issues in their relationship by criticizing Rhoda, but none of these relationships are actually being worked on, grown or healed.

 

Things to ponder …

• When you gossip, you are influencing another person, about an absent third person.  Does this happen in your family?
• Have you been the subject of gossip in your family? How did that feel?
• Who talks about who?
• Are you the third party in someone else’s triangle? Can you extricate yourself from being in the middle?

 

Keep your communication focused, direct, and free of third party interference. It may not change your family circumstances but it will allow you to maintain your own integrity.

 

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